[Tonight's post was written by Red Lotus Mama. I don't think I can adequately describe her so that you'll get how much of an important person she's become to my life. Her words are both soothing and stimulating, her manner and methods inspiring. If you aren't a follower, I suggest you become one, and while you're reading each of her posts, picture her scribbling with bathtub crayons post concepts on the shower wall. I do.]
A recent poll says that 25% of Americans say that the internet can replace their significant other for a period of time. What is sad is that I fall in the 25% group. What this study did not include is of the 25% how many of these people were involved in a troubled marriage. If they did have a finding I would fall into the group of unhappy married people. I work in the internet industry full time. Putting 6 hours in at the office and 2 more hours at home after princess D has gone to bed. But, when I was done with my 2 hours I was networking online (Twitter, Plurk, Facebook) or I was writing posts or reading blogs instead of joining my husband in bed.
This is how I met Zoeyjane. Late nights on Plurk playing Either/Or. There was something about Zoeyjane (and a few other women) that I had an affinity with. They seemed to be in a troubled relationship or was surviving one. They became my annonymous support group that didn’t meet face to face. Instead of going up to bed I would stay online with them laughing, sharing stories, getting advice. It was my escape.
The night I refer to as “when the drugs wore off” I turned to Zoeyjane for help. She was online late at night as usual. From previous online conversations we had had and after reading her blog I felt like she could provide me some advice I needed. I turned to the right person.
When I refer to that night I don’t literally mean recreational drugs. In fact, I can be considered quite innocent in the realm of drug use. I have smoked pot a few times, took ecstacy once and there was that hilarious night I took a cat tranquilizer after I was told it was ecstacy (I recommend you NEVER take one). When I was a kid one of my mom’s hair stylist friends was addicted to cocaine. One day he pulled me aside, shoved a flashlight up his nose and turned it on. The light shined out the opposite nostril the flashlight was shoved up in. Then he told me to never do drugs. I don’t remember how old I was, but I was old enough that it scared me for life. He was probably high when he did that. The drugs I am refering to are just as powerful, just as addictive, just as deadly.
I was only 24 when I met my husband. Most people consider us total opposites from appearance to common interestes to upbringing to education. We ignored all of that and fell in love with how we needed each other for balance. I would be considered very “normal,” but I am attacted to one more “wild” than me. He is exactly that. He is the life of the party, everywhere we went someone knew him, he is daring and passionate with no structure. No one thought we would last and we were determined to prove them wrong. When people asked him how he scored such a great wife he would say “I keep her drugged up” or “she will leave me once the drugs wear off.” We would all laugh, but deep inside those statements rang true.
Addicts have to hit rock bottom before they are willing to admit they have a problem. They allow their lives to become unmanagable in order to support their addiction. They live in a fog of high highs and low lows. They ignore responsibilities and procrastinate on getting on with their life in fear of what accomplishment might mean.
I was addicted to my husband’s need of me.
The night “when the drugs wore off” was the day after I hit rock bottom. When financially we were so in debt our truck was repossesed. I spent the day at my family reunion with my husband. Even though I was surrounded by people who had no idea what was going on in my life it gave me the space from to clear my head and see the whole picture. It was then I realized what had been obvious to everyone. I was married to an alcoholic.
The days after “when the drugs wore off” are still hazy. I was going through withdrawls … anger, sorrow, pain, lack of appetite. with help from my internet support group and my family I was able to pull myself together. My daughter needs a happy, healthy and financially stable mother. That meant I had to get rid of the drugs. So, I left my husband.
My recovery has been progressing at a pace that surprises me and others who are witness to my life. I still turn to my online support group of friends and I got the courage to attend a live support group. The internet is still a place I am drawn to daily, but I find that I am turning to it for a different reason than I was before. Instead of a source of escape it has become a place of healing. Instead of reaching out for help I am sharing my experience.
