Entries Tagged 'confessions of a confessaholic' ↓

I don’t censor myself, like, ever. Rarely, will I trip over words in a conversation in an attempt to make sure others aren’t made uncomfortable, but for the most part, it’s here’s me, like it or leave it. I kind of have this philosophy that if I’m putting it all out there, people will never have those I didn’t see that coming moments.

There’s almost nothing worse than those moments.

So, I make my scars and judgements obvious, I scream out my annoyance and support, I sometimes write and speak with a level of determination that can stop people and cause them to rethink, except really, I’m not all that important. I’m just, you know, being me, one hundred percent, 99% of the time.

And then every once in a while some thing, or one, or occasion comes along, and I find that it might not be okay to put it all out there. My natural inclination might be to say, “fuck it, I want to talk about it” but I still hold myself back. These issues are few and far between, and usually are only involving other parties that might read this blog, or a potential client or employer who might.

I don’t wanna get Dooce’d, you know? Or dumped before I even have a boyfriend. Or screamed at, that often.

I find myself in a quandary this rare evening, with three separate narratives flowing around my grey matter, without dock to plant anchor at. There’s a person, there’s a realization and there’s a possible change of direction. But leading all of those thoughts, there’s a fourth. One that I’ll briefly mention and let you be you and discuss it away.

Two days ago, I suddenly thought that I might not want to go to BlogHer.

Not because I don’t want and need the vacation, because I sure as hell do.

Not because I can’t afford to, which if I had any grain of responsibility, I probably could – it would just take a lot of stringent saving from basically today, forward, and things would be really really really tight.

Not because I don’t want to hug every one of you that will be there, or because social anxiety will crush the air out of me, or because I don’t want to put faces to names and schmooze and booze away three evenings.

Not because I don’t see BlogHer as an invaluable networking event, during which I could, if I’m interesting to enough people, make this blog a lot more popular.

Because I could use that money more effectively. Because I’m considering removing the BlogHer ads, but don’t feel like I should until after attending, and I’m not a patient sort. Because I’d get home the day after Isobel’s third birthday, during which she will be with friends of our family and neither her father or I.

Or, I could stay home and go on a trip later in the year, possibly with Isobel. I could take off the ads, now, instead of later, and not feel disloyal. I could do most of that Zoeyjane-marketing from home, via social networking, commenting, picking up the phone and getting to know people without the 12th vodka-infused beverage of the night in my hand and painful heels on my feet. And I could not miss my daughter’s third birthday, doing so.

I could do it better if I never got on a plane to Chicago on July 23rd, but, I’d be further isolating myself in my apartment by doing so. I’d also be walking away from something that I’ve committed to and mentally planned for since July 18th of last year.

So. This fourth thought that I was willing to put out there, is basically: I don’t know what the fuck to do about the BlogHer stuff.

Tomorrow, I’m expecting a phone call. During this call, if I can convince Isobel to watch a show and not yell about taking ownership over the conversation, I’ll be interviewed by a reporter for the Georgia Strait. This is a big fucking deal to me.

She was looking for people with mental illness experience – you know I’ve got a little bit of that, right? *wink* So it seems that I might be her gal, at least for an hour. How did I end up signing up for this?

I’m going to be speaking at a conference here in Vancouver, Mental Health Camp. The purpose of this all-day event on Saturday, April 25th is to explore the complex relationship between social media and mental health, be it in relation to blogging, using Twitter, healing others or becoming healthy – about reducing stigma via various two-way methodology on the Internetz.

My topic is an obvious (if you’ve been here for a little while) one: mommy blogging and mental illness. I’ll be discussing the social interpretation of mommy bloggers and how reputations can precede us. About how being known as one with a mental illness and a mommy blogger can get hackles raised, CPS called and how that can effect change in our lives. Or in my case, not.

I started blogging, and continue to do, so for mostly selfish reasons – I get to vent all over your screen and whether you want to or not, or even if you weren’t here, I feel support. As a result of this, from my hands-on candidness and boldness in relating both mine and Isobel’s angst, I’ve gained friends made of gold, stayed up late at night when someone’s heart or head was ailing, and I’ve gotten to know myself (and the world around me) much better.

This blogging schtick, even at its lowest points, even in its ugliest moments, even when visions were painted clearly that made you (and me) wince, is working for me. I do it, because even if it doesn’t seem like it, I get a little temporary healing from each word, post, comment, email, tweet, virtual (and real) hug, and on and on. It helps me.

Apparently, there’s a reason some of you do it, too. Some of you out there are also bold and honest about your own struggles with sanity. Some of you mommies are not picture perfect in Manolos, pearls and the newest Juicy lipgloss. Some of you have also blogged about your medication, suicide attempt, PPD, depression, ADD, eating disorder, social anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc.

You are who I want to talk about at this conference. If you’re going to be in the Vancouver area on the 25th, please consider attending, but even if you’re not, or you have other plans, or you just aren’t that big a fan of Gastown, please consider this:

Part of my talk at Mental Health Camp will focus on mommy bloggers, yes. But not so vaguely. Part of my babbling will mention you, how you blog, about what, why, where, etc. I want to know who you are, out there, the ones that choose to do like I do – let it bleed it on the page.

Please leave me a comment with a link to your post on your mommy blog relating your own issue, struggle, purpose and M.O. about your mental health – I want to discuss in 10 days what, as a community, we’ve done to virtually erase the stigma of moms with mental issues, and use you as an example of what change can look like.

Alternatively, you can email me at mommy is moody {at} gmail {dot} com. If you know that I’m already familiar with you and you don’t want to be referenced, please do let me know that, too.

One more request: can you please pass this on? I know there’s a lot of ladies out there who deserve to have their backs patted for spotlighting the elephant in the room. Stumble, Digg, Tweet, share in your readers, email the link, Facebook it – please help me get the word out.

I want to mention how awesome you are.