so i open the door and hey! huckdoll! and whilst standing at the entrance to my cave apartment, i show her the present cave. and the expected holy fuck comes about and i am both embarrassed for my over-zealous zoë shopping and proud. and then she says,
“we got the girls this and this and this and that’s it.” cuz they’ll get tons from everyone else, anyways.
and i think, “we’re allowed to do that?” at the same time that i think, “i’m jealous.”
and so, off and on for the past four hours since she’s vacated the building (for more reasons than only that), i’m thinking of her and her girls and how the world will not end for them because they didn’t get 16 (double and tripled up) presents from mommy (and daddy).
and i wonder, “why did i go so crazy?”
sure, you could go with the usual, she kinda knows something’s up, if her whispered “santa”s are any indication and i wanted to give her everything that she’d ever want. nods.
how about that i had the money and there were some great finds for the money i had available?
not buying that either?
um, that i love her so very much, i will banish my OCD to allow her an explosion of stuff? nope, that’s not really it, either, is it?
guilt?
yeah, that’s it. cuz really, if you’ve been reading for a while, if you know me intimately (or interactively, whatevs), you know that most of what i do is with forethought, but all future actions after the primary action are caused by guilt made possible by the primary action. get it?
so the nutshell?
i sent her daddy away to live somewhere else and i still fight with him sometimes but most of the time we’re cool like supercool. and i’m not 100% about her 24 hours a day anymore. and sometimes i put on too many movies cuz i just want to think, clean, cook. and i complain about her annoying me a little too comfortably for a mommy. and i spend money on starbucks and smokes and books and movies and myself (here and there, which still adds up) instead of being responsible enough to make debt payment a priority. and did i mention that i’m a really bad role model?
so, welcome to me trying to buy off my kid, before she even knows what buying off means. next year, it will be quality over quantity.
the extra super duper sad thing? on any given month, i probably buy her three to ten presents, anyways. just cuz she likes stuff. i like stuff. don’t you like stuff?
i’m going to have to cut back on this – economically and to preemptively strike against the kid i’m creating, who will shriek, “i want it now!” in the grocery store line up.
