The square of which is 12. If you divide it by seven, as in days of the week, you get 20.57. 20 weeks and four days since more than a sip.
It’s not getting easier, I’ll be honest. Everything is a trigger, this past week. Every meal we eat out, the drink menu calls me. The really big temper tantrums make me want to take a little walk to the store where all of the bottles line up so perfectly. Having money in my bank account is a reason to celebrate, right?
Celebrate. I almost bought I condo when I was 20. I had the down-payment in my chequing account, and I started to celebrate a little too early – before even applying for a mortgage or making an offer. Soon, two months were up, the entire deposit had been drank and I was broke, unable to even pay rent. I had to move back in with my father. I’d quit my three jobs, dropped out of school and started drinking from wake (and bake) to bed.
Now, I have my bills paid and more work than I can delve mentally into while living within the strict confines of my newly-adopted robot-like schedule, and there’s still money in the bank and I’ve forced myself to spend some of it, because, quite frankly:
if it’s there, I could drink it.
I’ve made this commitment to myself, to her. So I won’t. Really. No, I won’t. I can’t. I shouldn’t. I mean…maybe, nope. Won’t.
This is the dialogue that hits my brain 12-37 times a day, during times of peace, strife, waking, and lying while waiting for sleep. While I’m balancing my budget and checking my email. While I sit down to order a vegetarian wrap after being told that caesars are on special. While I’m making dinner or washing dishes or folding laundry or typing minuscule words like this.
I quit drinking because I thought that if I wanted to drink at some point, nearly every day, then I probably had a problem in there somewhere. It wasn’t until I quit that I knew I had a problem in there. Quitting has been the most relevant factor in my thirst.
This is already going around in circles, and not really doing much except to overwhelmingly, verbosely state the obvious: this is getting harder.
