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On hitting one key

March 7th, 2010 | Me, The Ex, Zoë

Right this very moment, there’s an email sitting in my drafts folder that I’m afraid to send.

Once I send it, I can’t undo it, and it’s potential damage could be huge. It could mean financial disaster for us, this month. It could mean that my daughter never sees her father again. It could mean that he shows up at my door, angry, drunk and needing vilification. It could mean going to court, with a list of his offenses, dragging his name and self-esteem through the mud to get a judge to see that at this point in time, he’s unfit to be more of a parent than an alcoholic.

I’ve been putting off writing it all day, finally getting down to it when I knew not doing so would cost me more, in lost work time, in emotional pain.

Today, I sent her off for her last visit with him and didn’t tell either of them, and I carefully planned to have an email waiting for him tomorrow morning, stripping him of his visitation, as soon as he woke up.

By doing so, I will have given someone an extreme case of the Mondays.

I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty, and that I’m doing the right thing and I didn’t race into this decision whatsoever. It’s been all of her life that his drinking has been an issue, and that her well-being has been at risk. But, the guilt-feeling, extreme-moralist in me can’t help but feel like I’m about to ruin his life.

Note, I didn’t say that he has.

Why yes, I will be attending Al-Anon meetings. Why do you ask?

Ultimately, it comes down to this: I don’t want Zoë to grow up like me. I don’t want her to think that if someone’s nice to you part of the time, then they love you, and if when they’re drinking they’re nicer, you should just accept it. I don’t want her to not be able to trust people and lovers, to never give herself over to another person, because she’s aware all too well what happens when they decide not to be there, anymore. I don’t want her to pick up a bottle and see salvation, healing for every moment when she thought that she wasn’t enough, or for the anxiety she feels, or the abandonment she faces even when she’s not alone.

Basically, the goal is is preserve this for as long as I possibly can.

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Even if it comes at a great cost to me, and to him. She doesn’t owe us anything, and we owe her the world. I have the clarity of that mantra – I know that without giving her everything that I can, she’ll miss out on something (and still might) – but he doesn’t. And I can’t try to teach him anymore, when it puts a tariff on her emotional well-being.

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  • al_pal

    Just read all the comments that've come in since I left mine. OOOOF.
    *HUGS*

  • you, lady, are the strongest person i know. the bravest. your honesty is a serious inspiration to me. and i wish you more love, hope, bravery and happiness than you'll ever need.

    and sending you lots of hugs through my computer, all the way from south africa xx

  • You said it just right when you stated "she doesn't owe us anything..." You have to do what's right for her. xoxo

  • While I agree that it's a good decision, I think you might have to go through the court to do that? I don't know what your current agreement is, or what the laws are in your area, but I'd be VERY careful to make sure that you do it "in order" so to speak. Otherwise he may try to turn it around on you.
    Not attempting to worry you, and I really do think you're making a smart decision:)

  • Krys

    How could you possibly take someone's child away from them over e-mail? Yeah, I understand that you're doing the right thing. But the way you are doing it is not a dignified way to approach a serious situation, and it's got to be incredibly emasculating for him as well.

  • One more note: it was recommended by legal counsel that I do it this way, to remove the potential for violence, as well as create a paper trail.

    This way, if he were to, say, decide to take me to court because he actually decided the effort was worth it to argue this with anyone other than me, it could get added to the stacks of emails we've already exchanged, regarding big-time decisions in Zoë's life.

  • Just to interject here, Krys... This is the 3rd time his visitation's been removed. Twice, I told him to his face, with our daughter present (when isn't she?). The first time, violence was insinuated, the second, he told Zoë that he had to leave because he was so mad. And he was so busy being 'mad' (read: feeling small and guilty), that he didn't hear his daughter APOLOGIZE to him, because she thought he was mad at her. It took 45 minutes to calm her after the moment he walked out of the door.

    Secondly, you aren't familiar with him, or the fact that I simply have the choice to either tell him in front of Zoë, or email him, period. His phone's been cut off, I've never been privileged with his home address or work information (at this job).

    Thirdly, kicking a man when he's down is a ridiculous phrase to use in this situation, since the guy is NEVER up, except for when he's living fabulously (ie drunk) and no one's challenging him about it.

    Fourth and final point: We argued, the weekend before this, wherein he blatantly yelled, "if I'm so terrible, why don't you just cut off my visits, altogether?" to which I replied that I had be prepared to do so when/if he screwed up big time, but that I was starting to think that maybe the little bits of damage were bad enough. Which is when he said, gesturing all over the place, with Zoë right there, "thanks for doing me the favour, all this time. It's been so fun, having to deal with all of this." So, it's no great shock to him, though he might not understand it because he has his own perception of reality.

    After he left, she asked me why he called her 'this'. So, emasculate him? Fine, gladly, if it means that he starts acting like a father, instead of a bullying mistake of a dad.

  • 2sherpa2

    Too bad for him. He has had too many chances as it is. It is time for Zoe to take center stage. He has emasculated himself already by his outrageous behavior.

  • Krys

    I agree with the whole outrageous behaviour bit, but in the end it comes down to human decency. If you want to be treated with respect, then treat someone else with respect. Take the higher road. If you can yell at someone to their face, then at least have the decency to tell them something that will break their heart and probably lead them into a deeper bout with depression and drinking to their face. I don't think he's a good guy, I've even thrown out many of LEAVE HIM comments myself. However, he obviously has problems and "demons" of his own to deal with, so why kick a man while he's at his lowest point. It's like breaking up with someone over e-mail. It's already a bad situation but made worse by the other person's cowardice. Too often people hide behind social media and e-mail, and it's causing real problems in our society.

  • 2sherpa2

    I respectfully disagree with you, he deserves no pity, "no human decency". As I said before, he has had MULTIPLE chances to right things and has not, talk about "human decency"where was his?! In this instance what she did was definately acceptable in my view.

  • Just catching up. Thinking of you both. <3

  • It took my best friend YEARS to come to this realisation.

    Both that she needed to do this and that HE chose his path over his child.

    I am so proud of you babe. And your baby girl will be too.

  • Realistically, it took me years, too.

  • You may be at the beginning of a very hard road, but it's a road you won't regret going down. It took me three years to get my son away from his birth father, but the money and headaches (and fear, lots and lots of fear), are nothing compared to knowing my baby will always be safe and know nothing but love.

  • Wow. You are doing the right thing, for you, for her...even for him (hopefully).

  • nancysyzdek

    I'm so proud of you. Yes it will come with consequences, many of which will be painful and difficult. But send it knowing that you're doing it to show Zoe that she deserves more. She deserves to be treated with love and respect...and so do you.

    Sending love and hugs.

  • mel

    you are doing the right thing for your daughter.

  • karensugarpants

    i think you're doing a wonderful thing. and this is coming from the daughter of an alcoholic. that damage is never undone. so good for you.

  • You are choosing her and there should be no guilt in that. he has chosen the bottle, not her.

    Much love and strength my friend. You are doing something I had never been able to muster up the strength to do!

  • I mentioned a little of my story on your other post. I understand what it's like to have that father who is nice sometimes, and very drunk the next. I can hear your reluctance and the guilt and I'm sorry you're in that spot. It's no fun. I'm sure you are making the best decision for your daughter.

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