I got an email yesterday from Zoë’s grandmother, her dad’s mom.
I’m happy, because it was communicative and positive and didn’t continue the year and a half of negative behaviour we’ve both engaged in. I’m happy because she asked to spend some time with Zoë, one-on-one during the next week and that’s all that I wanted from her – for her to arrange time with me that the two of them could hang out. I’m happy because it looks like Zoë will get to see her twice this week and that will make Zoë really happy.
I’m torn, because she asked for a weekend-long visit as well – one during which Zoë’s dad would be there. One during which I have no control over monitoring his drinking or pot use. One during which Zoë’s grandmother is confident that he will abstain from drinking or smoking, because apparently in the past month, she says he’s changed.
I told her that even though it was in direct opposition to his visitation rules, in the past year he’s stayed here and still drank and smoked. But apparently, he’s changed and wouldn’t risk his visitation, she thinks. She says she would hold him accountable.
She doesn’t know that three weekends ago, while he watched her on a Saturday night while I went out with friends, he drank more than a six-pack. She doesn’t seem to know that he’s a different person when he’s not around her and that he hasn’t made one step needed to have overnight visits, including lying to be about sobriety.
She doesn’t know how much I want these overnights to take place, but I think, on some level, that she understands why my gut says no. She left an alcoholic with her two sons (their father) and thinks he cleaned up his act because he had to. From what I’ve heard, it didn’t, but her ruler has far more give than mine.
I want to say that it can happen, if she’s solely responsible for Zoë. I want her to agree that if the Ex chooses to drink and smoke, then she will tell him to leave, or call me, or pull the plug on the visit.
I can’t trust that she would do that – rat out her own son, knowing that he’s in danger of losing his visitation if she does.
I can’t assume that her view of the greater good will match my own – that Zoë grow up seeing her dad sporadically, rather than regularly, hungover or drinking. I can’t look at the potential of a weekend visit as more than an opportunity for everything to go badly, while I also get a weekend off.
I want that weekend off. God. I want it. And I feel so selfish for it.
I just don’t know what to do.
