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On tightening the noose

September 6th, 2009 | Addiction, Isobel, The Ex

I need your help. Your opinion, more specifically.

I’ve been blathering for months about the upcoming renegotiations of my separation agreement. Part of that is how much child support and extras The Ex will pay. Part of it is about visitation. As it stands now, he pays about twice as much as I expect he’ll continue to, and he sees Zoë on both days of the weekend, between the hours of 10 and 3.

He wants to change the visitation. He proposed an evening visit during the week and one overnight visit a month, in addition to the weekend daytimes he already has. I said I didn’t agree and that we should meet with a third party to mediate the agreement negotiations. He agreed. I’m just waiting for him to set up the appointment.

I have other ideas in mind for how visits should be.

I think that visits should be about him wanting to spend time with her, not just during the best hours of the whole week, when she’s in the best spirits, he doesn’t really have to act as a parent and is minimally responsible for tasks such as feeding, clothing and bathing her. Right now, he gets her at her best, he feeds her some gelato and they do something fun for the afternoon and then he goes on his way – so that he can fit in his friends and partying.

When we split up over two years ago, I told him that he could have overnight visits with her when he could go an entire night sober (and be sane while doing it).

Since that time, during fights he’s threatened to go to court for joint custody – it hasn’t happened. Even when things have been better than fine, he’s said he’ll move out to his own place and have a room for Zoë, for sleepovers – he’s still at his mom’s, sleeping on the floor. When I said she was staying with my friends while I went to Chicago, he freaked out for about an hour – a week later, he decided to go camping that weekend instead of trying to talk me into letting him take care of her. At his most open, he’s admitted that the way things are with visits works for him – he doesn’t have to do more, spend more on her, have a place for her, spend a weekend sober.

He’s an alcoholic who drinks daily. He smokes pot pretty much daily. He’s said that he wouldn’t do those things while she stayed with him, and I’m supposed to just take his word for it, yet when he’s been here past his usual visit hours he’s still smoked and drank. He’s never been solely responsible for her at night time, except for the two times he’s watched her here while I’ve gone out for the evening – he drank and/or smoked, then.

I have a pretty good case against overnight visits at his place: his history of disinterest in them and lack of parenting, the lack of space or sleeping area, and his addictions and his mom’s enabling of them.

But.

I’ve been on-duty for her entire life.

She doesn’t know that he’s the parent. She knows he’s the dood she can push around and get stuff from.

I’m a little resentful that these chunks of awesome that I should get to partake in are his visit times and he doesn’t have to deal with any of the hard stuff that being a parent means you should deal with.

I’m tired of saying to friends that we can’t participate in things on the weekends because the thing starts during his time.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

I have a new idea, being as I said two years ago and several times since, “You can have overnight visits when you can go an entire night sober and be able to handle it” and he hasn’t. (In fact, I’ve even said at some points when berating his lack of responsibility in her life, that he could have lied to me about doing it, but he’s still chosen not to.)

This idea is basically for me to say to him grow up now, or fuck off.

I propose the following:

  • He must, by mid-October, have a safe and secure place for her to sleep. Ie. A bed. Of her own. At his place.
  • He must take her each and every weekend from Friday night to Sunday afternoon.
  • He must refrain from drinking and smoking pot for the 12 hours before and during her visit with him.
  • He must educate himself about her food allergies and nutritional requirements in order to make appropriate decisions about what to feed her.
  • His mother is not responsible for Zoë’s care, even to the extent that he has a drink out with friends (because he is solely responsible for Zoë {and his sobriety} during her visits).

The fine print:

  • If I hear of him drinking or getting high – because Zoë tells me everything, literally, without me having to ask, and he’s a horrible liar who is aging disgracefully (aka I can see the booze in his face, the day after) – he waives his rights to visitation;
  • If she is fed improperly – meaning foods she’s allergic to – same deal;
  • If he makes the grandiose ‘mistake’ of drinking and/or smoking and his mom does not inform me of it and return Zoë to me as soon as it happens, his mom loses her visitation rights as well;

until:

  • He enters into a drug and alcohol program; and
  • attends and completes courses relating to parenting, alcoholism’s effects on children, and nutrition in relation to food allergies; and
  • he attends a session with me and an unbiased third-party who advises that they’d feel comfortable with Zoë being in his care, again.

The clincher:

If this is too much to ask of him, if it’s too much time or rules, or he gets his back up about being called an alcoholic in front of a stranger and refuses this agreement out of pride, he waves the right to regular, twice-per-weekend visits.

He gets stuck with the same deal that all of the people she has playdates with have: When we’re available and it’s convenient/wanted.

It could go either way.

He could tell me to fuck myself and I could bring in pages of documentation about all of the times he’s already broken the agreement we have about him not drinking around her. And I could refuse for things to continue as they are, we end up back in court, and he could lose the visits, anyway.

He could agree and fuck it up at some point – I’d predict sooner, rather than later.

He could agree and then not end up getting her a bed and try to pull a fast one on me – which is why I’d ask for a receipt as proof, as well as a picture of the room where it’s set up.

He could agree and it could go completely fine, and she could have an actual father and I could have some actual time off and the world could be a beautiful, non-exhausting place where we could co-exist as the adults we’re supposed to be, co-raising the happy child we should be.

What say you?

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  • Well, after reading all this, my opinion is that your child shouldn't have that influence (that of an alcoholic, drugaddict). I think your lawyer was very smart to only use the alcoholic stuff, keeping drugs off the record, just in case you would need it further, but on the other hand, it could be missunderstood as a lack of interest from you. I mean this only as an advice.
  • Al_Pal
    Sounds like a reasonable list.
    Good luck, lady.
  • You know, this just occured to me. One thing you could do is offer that he can have her under all the conditions that you have stipulated, but change the piece about his mother to "under the supervision of his mother." Sounds like you trust her.

    Truth is that if he hasn't given up drinking and drugs yet, he probably won't, but asking for him to be sober while with his daughter is not at all unreasonable. You just need someone to be in charge of him.

    In my experience with courts in Ontario, judges really appreciate when you come to them with viable solutions. With supervised visitation, he has pretty liberal access to his daughter (which judges also want to see), and you have assurance that someone responsible is in charge (who is not you!)

    I am in the situation of having to supervise my son's visitation with his dad. Neither of us have family in the area and I didn't want to put that responsibility on a friend. It sucks for both of us. I don't get a break and he never feels like he has alone time with N....
  • chris
    Although you have 'feelings' for the guy, it's crazy to think that he is going to be the father you want for your daughter, or partner to yourself, while a functioning alcoholic. Insist that the guy get into AA, do 90 meetings in 90 days and only then allow visitation and/or re-negotiations. Take a look at the AA "Big Book", even get him a copy; it's a great eye-opener for the alcoholic and the people whose lives he is affecting.
  • kristen
    You know, this just occured to me. One thing you could do is offer that he can have her under all the conditions that you have stipulated, but change the piece about his mother to "under the supervision of his mother." Sounds like you trust her.

    Truth is that if he hasn't given up drinking and drugs yet, he probably won't, but asking for him to be sober while with his daughter is not at all unreasonable. You just need someone to be in charge of him.

    In my experience with courts in Ontario, judges really appreciate when you come to them with viable solutions. With supervised visitation, he has pretty liberal access to his daughter (which judges also want to see), and you have assurance that someone responsible is in charge (who is not you!)

    I am in the situation of having to supervise my son's visitation with his dad. Neither of us have family in the area and I didn't want to put that responsibility on a friend. It sucks for both of us. I don't get a break and he never feels like he has alone time with N.
  • maybe *every weekend* from non is a little much. You're setting him up to fail. Maybe one weekend a month? baby steps.. or else just cut him off. I think every weekend but with the strings attached that you know he can't do, just to take her away again is asking... to take her away again.
  • Um, that sounds more than reasonable to me.

    Personally, I don't think I'd let him alone with her PERIOD until the drinking/pot were under control.
  • I grew up going to see my Dad every other weekend. Friday to Sunday afternoon as long as he showed up to pick me up. He was an alcoholic and still is and I spent a decent amount of time playing Dominos in his favorite bar. BUT I knew who my Dad was good and bad. I didn't grow up thinking that my Dad was this awesome guy who had his shit together and shat gum drops. He had his good moments and his bad but I'm glad that I have those moments to look back on. I'm 24 now married with my own kids and I haven't spoken to my Dad since I was 18 but that was my choice and it was an informed one. I'm thankful for that.
  • This sounds like his opportunity to prove himself worthy of the title Father.

    My opinion: You should make him commit on paper his willingness to abide by your rules, which are very reasonable, whether they are doable or not for someone with a dependency problem. Then his success or failure is all on him. Sink or swim, flop or fly.

    Your daughter needs a father. Not just a male person who shows up whenever, intoxicated or not. Your willingness to even discuss this indicates that you are aware of this.

    Good luck with your dilemma.
  • Oh, yeah, we're totally talking about an agreement that will be filed in family court.

    Thank you.
  • Sounds more than reasonable and more than fair. It puts all the onus on him, his choice to be a parent or not.
  • tough situation...
    for me, the main issues come down to him not caring properly for her during his time with her.
    he doesn't respect and/or understand her food intake needs and allergies. he doesn't provide structure in line with what is her norm. and he doesn't consistently provide a safe, secure and appropriate environment for her to live/stay and play in.

    unfortunately, there is little you can do to control those things when she is in his care. rules and agreements can be created, but they're only as good as the people that have agreed to honor them.
    alcohol addiction and casual drug use are symptoms of his issues, but the bigger issue to me, is his lack of desire to parent his child properly.

    it's a hard decision to make. do you attempt to restrict his time with her, for your daughter's own good physically... but with potential drawbacks later for her mentally...
    or do you let it continue and hope that everything will be fine and that in time as she ages your daughter will see the situation for what it is?
    i'm not sure there's a 100% "right" answer here.

    i do know this... he won't change because of threats or agreements or ultimatums.
    he will only change because it came from a desire within him. and for that to happen, he needs a total life overhaul... so, do you see that happening any time soon? because if not, you're just going to continue to be frustrated trying to make him achieve the standards (totally reasonable) you've set.

    so i guess you have to wonder, what's the best and worst case scenario here? if he doesn't change his ways, what happens? and how much physical and mental/emotional harm does that put zoe in to be in his care 4 times a month?
  • You know, I'm honestly completely fine with her being parented differently - the key word being parented. I don't care what she eats over a weekend with him, as long as she eats enough and nothing she's allergic to. I don't care if she's allowed to push every single button and rewarded for every single bad behaviour, because at three, she already knows that shit doesn't fly with me.

    She's a smart kid - she knows already the difference between her dad and I.

    What I want is for him to step up to the plate or resign from the team. Since he's not willing to bow out, I'm offering up this sink or swim chance. When if he sinks, he will not be able to take her down with him.

    And personally, I'd much prefer that I 'take away her dad' than for him to consistently fail. If I have to be a bad guy and the person that ruins her life in her eyes, it's fine with me.
  • Oh T.... I dont know what to say that everyone above me hasnt already said more eloquently. Both sides.
    I think, if it were my daughter, it would come down to whether or not I want her around that. And I couldnt. I could not want her around someone that I didnt know could honour his word. Even if it was her father. I agree with the way you raise her, full tilt. I think you are a marvelous mother. But he? He doesnt seem to get it. He may be an awesome play mate: fun and doting, but he needs to learn to be her Father. He needs to want to better himself, and he needs to actually do it. Zoe deserves that. You deserve that. He deserves that. Right now, he doesnt deserve your trust and respect. Yet. Give him a reason to, though. Be strong, and stick to it, and respect yourself and your daughter. And hopefully, one day, he will too.
  • Hence the thought to give himself rope to hang himself with. Because if he does, I'll finally have the legal right to stick to it. Even with our current agreement, if he drinks, I just cut the visit short and he can make it up anytime.
  • I was a single mom for several years. Her dad is a good father, never any problems except he gives her everything she wants, ignores my wishes for her and then gives me shit about money all the time. They're all assholes, and that's why we're not married to them anymore. It sucks, really sucks, to do it all alone.


    But. There's what's fair for you and there's what's right for your daughter. Fair for you means her father actually doing some parenting and gives you a break. Right for your daughter is keeping her safe. It may be that you need to get more money out of him so that you can have some help--a trusted babysitter who comes regularly, etc. because it doesn't sound like he's a parent at all.

    From what you write, it seems like you don't trust that he's sober for 12 hours before she comes, that he doesn't drink around her or isn't high around her. Seems to me that him being around her AT ALL is harming her, and that any court would agree as much. I do not believe that a child needs both parents. A child needs one person who has good boundaries and puts her first. Your ex? Doesn't.

    I don't know all the background, but if I were in your shoes, I'd insist he go to rehab and is clean for 6 months would be prereq #1 for him to see her at all. But then I'm a harsh bitch. If you don't trust him now, how are you going to live with those 72 hours when she's with him for overnights if you don't trust he's sober?
  • Yeah, unfortunately, I was advised last year that him simply being an alcoholic (without a record) is basically impossible to prove and so, him not being entitles to visitation because of it is pretty much unlikely. But. If he agrees in writing and it's filing in court, to not drink for ____ and then does, I can do whatever the agreement stipulates is the consequence.
  • raino
    for some reason, parts of my comment was cut out....

    correction ...granted he’s an alcoholic, you stipulate that he must go an entire night sober. do you drink while you have her and have you ever gotten ‘drunk’? i know some moms and dads that are alcoholics and great parents.

    correction ...he still lives at his moms and she sleeps on the floor. granted she may not have the most comfortable of sleeps, is she safe? my brother used to have his son sleep with him or one of them on the couch. obviously you wouldn’t want this seeing she’s a girl but maybe something similar?
  • raino
    hmmmm..

    as one of the other commenters said; nothing is ever black and white. i obviously don't know the nitty gritty details of the whole situation, but as you asked, i will provide my little bit of insight based on what you have said in this post.

    devils advocate perhaps.

    you mention that he gets her at 'her best', feeds her some gelato (not really bad bad for her unless she has an allergy to it) and they do something fun for the afternoon. well, it has been my experience that the 'parent' that sees the least amount of the child gets to do the fun stuff simply because... they see the least amount of the child, if you get my drift. i think this is normal and the more he does see of her, the more rules and structure they will have. he likely wants to make the most of the small amount of time he has and to me that's okay provided she is being well cared for in a safe enviornment.

    granted he's an alcoholic, you stipulate that he must go an entire night sober. do you drink while you have her and have you ever gotten 'drunk'? i know some moms and dads that are great parents.

    he still lives at his moms and she sleeps on the floor. granted she may not have the most comfortable of sleeps, is she safe? . obviously you wouldn't want this seeing she's a girl but maybe something similar.

    why does it need to be a place 'of his own'. is it possible that he can't afford to get a place of his own .... aside from the obvious fact that he is spending some money on pot and booze?

    pot - although i am not condoning pot; especially daily, i know many many many good parents that do pot and daily. i don't believe that he should be doing that while she is present tho, just not a good idea for so so many reasons.

    i agree with you that once a negotation is reached it needs to be stuck with eg: take her each and every weekend from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, so that you can have a life too.

    i agree that he must educate himself about her food allergies and nutritional requirements in order to make appropriate decisions about what to feed her - i don't see why he would NOT want to do so.

    what is wrong with his mother babysitting zoe, from time to time? i don't see why he would want to have her babysit when he sees so little of her to begin with but ...

    the fact that he doesn't lie to you makes me think that he is an honest guy, no? and the fact that he even cares to see her makes me think that he's a decent human being, no?

    and of course you are resentful of the awesome times that he has with her - who wouldn't be? soon she will be old enough to 'see' what's really happening.

    like i said at the start, this is just my little bit of insight, i don't really know what it is like to 'live' the life of a single mom. you do.

    but good luck!
  • Thanks for the alternative views...some clarifications:

    The concern about the gelato, etc is that all he will feed her is a serving of gelato over the course of five hours. No other snacks or lunch. The past two weekends, for example, she's ended up having no more than 300 calories (which is about a fifth of what's ideal for her for the entire day). The less she eats, the less appetite she has, and as a kid with a fast metabolism and food allergies, it's hard enough to keep the weight on her.

    Regarding the drinking: I have been drunk three times since she was born, true. I have drank a few times enough to 'feel it'. But for the most part, I don't drink, or drink very lightly. The problem with his drinking is that - as he admits himself - once he starts, he doesn't stop until the booze is gone. Regardless of whether that's a 6-pack or 2 bottles of wine, or a 26er and a flat of beer with a buddy in a field until 5am.

    The problem with his living situation is that he's in a 1br apartment with his mom and he's had 2 years to buy a bed (or a year to buy a couch) to sleep on and has chosen to spend his money elsewhere. And I would never be okay with Zoë sharing a bed or sleeping area with him if he was drinking or smoking since he's a very heavy, very active sleeper, just like she is. (I've gotten black eyes from the two of them, seriously.)

    I wouldn't want him to have a place of his own - at least for a while - because I would rely on his mom being there to chaperone. His living with her was just an example of his lack of follow-thru and direction. He can afford a place, if he makes the weed and booze and eating out less a priority. I know this, because he's asked me before to help him plan out his budget so that he could. Right now, it's just easier for him to stay with his mom and his unhappiness about it further serves to prove how much of a victim of circumstance he is.

    The weed factor is mostly an issue from seeing how he's interacted with Zoë after smoking up. Her crying, her wakefulness...were largely uninteresting and took too much patience. In addition to pot going with drinking for him - they're rarely separate.

    There's nothing wrong with his mom babysitting, but there is something wrong with it if it's so that there's a loophole for him to be able to get wrecked while Zoë is in his care. He has the rest of the week to do that, still.

    And lady, he DOES lie. He SUCKS at it and I always bust him. :P But yes, he is a decent human being, who I think at the core of it, wants to be a dad - just isn't up for the full-time role.

    Thanks for the perspective. Totally valid points, all around.
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