What happens when an online adult toys store approaches you to do a review of one of their products? You say sure, then check out the site, then feel greatly overwhelmed and you bow out from a review, instead choosing to do a giveaway. If you’re me, that is.
Then a few months go past and you see friends and peers doing them. And then doing reviews afterwards. And you stop blushing and think, Damn. I do need to get in on that. Again, if you’re me.
So, I struck up a little conversation with the powers that be at Eden Fantasys and now, I’ve been tasked with a monthly review – based on reader’s choice. I know, my life sucks so bad, doesn’t it?
Being someone who’d never ridden anything without a heartbeat, I was half amused and half nervous when the hot UPS dood dropped off this bad boy. Also, I was curious if he came with it.
I was positive that my knee socks (if I owned any, because you can bet I’d be wearing them, if I owned some) would be knocked off, cuz this was like, something designed to give ‘er.
I opened it up right away. I took the batteries out of my tv remote. I got right to it.
“I could have been flossing” was my mental reaction to the first go-round. I mean, yeah, I shot and scored, but it was like shooting on an empty net during a powerplay. Not quite as whiplash-inducing as I thought it would be.
But you know, I’m stubborn, so there would be further attempts.
The second occasion when the Symphony Opus and I met, I was struck dumb with insomnia, looking for a quick fix. If you’re not aware, there’s nothing like a couple of stacked orgasms to quiet the insomniac mind and let you sleep like a…well, not a baby, those don’t sleep…like a thing that sleeps really well. If you don’t believe me, take a poll of men who will tell you the honest truth: wacking it equals sleepytime.
Blame the environment, timing, or necessity for success, but I wasn’t blown away that time, either. Though I did get some sleep earlier than usual that night.
One last final test before I listed this jelly monster on the suck list….
Better, but still, something was missing. What was that? There’s something I was not getting out of it. Don’t tell me…I almost have it…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
Oh, yeah. Any g-spot success, whatsoever. For a toy designed to be a g-spot vibrator – which to me translated to little work and a hell of a lot of glory – this made me sad in my pants. This g was not up, and nary a hoe was down.
Maybe it was our differing shapes, but I’m more apt to blame the low power (even on the top speed) and the over-bendable materials (which seemed like what 70 year old men were dealing with, prior to the days of the little blue pills).
So, I give the Symphony Opus two thumbs down, as far as tapping this natural resource. I mean, come on, I have orgasms faster than Britney Spears can say babay-babay-babay while sashaying in fishnets. More times than a Lost viewer wonders what’s going on. And this, instead of making angels sing from the heavens? Put this song in my head.
Which I guess isn’t such a bad thing – I forgot how much I used to dig that song.
Point being, this dude was not something I’d suggest going for. Maybe the same shape, but made of a different material, would have saved it. Maybe just one more speed. Maybe if it hadn’t been pink.
But it’s not all bad.
If you’re deciding to avoid the whole g-spot orgasm adventure, sticking to the more guaranteed (and vanilla) clit, this guy can do it. In fact, he can probably do it all night long, if you buy batteries in bulk.
If you’re looking for quiet, because you, like me, don’t want your neighbours aware of the shenanigans and high-jinx ensuing from your apartment: passed the test.
Apparently, it’s also waterproof, but I didn’t get to try that out since shower time in my home can equal a wayward child walking in at any point and asking what I’m doing. It’s bad enough that she’s watched me shave while providing a commentary (because apparently razors and bikini lines are more entertaining than Dora?). I’m not getting busted masturbating by a two-year-old, dammit.
Also, surprisingly, this guy and oral are like BFFs. Meaning it is worth bringing it out for the sexy time with your partner. Meaning, “hello. Why didn’t you do that before?” Meaning its ridges, the material, the speeds and everything that I’ve just blatantly shot my mouth off about? Totally became assets when it was’t the only visitor downtown.
All in all, though? This guy was as amazing as my electric toothbrush might be.
Also, you might not want to borrow my electric toothbrush.
