I have this personal policy – I don’t tell Isobel ahead of time when she’s going to see her dad.
Why? Because I’m being protective. Because I have experienced and foreseen. Because of the potential.
On Wednesday night before bed, she got to talk to him on the phone, a rarity. She didn’t want to go to bed shortly thereafter because she was convinced that when he said he’d see her soon, it meant that night. So I told her that she would see him in three days and asked what they would do together.
This is where her imagination came in, saving the day and distracting her from my soon, but not today. Apparently, they would be going to the park and then digging in the sand at the beach. There’d be whales in the ocean, calling to each other. There’d be boats in the distance, but she wouldn’t be going on them. A grand time would be had by all.
Then Thursday came, with the same excitement about seeing him. And again, I promised her that on Saturday, they’d get to have fun together.
Friday, another promise. {when did this kid develop a memory, dammit?}
Saturday morning came around. I got a rare half hour of tea time before she woke up {bliss, relaxation time that comes before I’m too exhausted from the day to unwind properly}, tripping over sleepy feet.
“I gonna go to da park with my daddy! I gonna dig in da sand. She gonna be so happy!”
{yes, everyone’s a woman, every pronoun she, even when she’s aware of boy-ness. She’s also quite concerned with other people’s happiness – a blessing and a curse.}
Her settling down with some oatmeal littered with carob chips, I packed up her food for their day together. Then, like magic, we proceeded through the steps of getting her face all clean and shiny, and getting dressed without the usual power-struggle.
He’s always early. Except for when he’s not coming.
This would be the 7th time in a year and a half that I’ve been looking at the clock, thankful she’s not aware of the passing of time, yet, wondering.
{Ten minutes late, the phone rings.}
“Hi….
“Hi”
{insert a minute of silence}
“I fucked up….”
“You think?”
“I made a mistake.”
{heh. yeah, you tripped and fell into that bottle?}
“She woke up this morning, excited to go to the park with you, just so you know. The first words out of her mouth were that you’d be digging in the sand at the beach.”
“Oh, God. Shit. I went out last night and I didn’t even set my alarm and I’m in no condition to see her.”
“Why?”
{why do I keep asking why?}
“I just didn’t think. I’m sorry. I’ve looked forward to this all week and I made a mistake.”
“For the record, a mistake is something accidental and usually the same accidents don’t happen over and over.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t do it again, tomorrow.”
“Okay, I won’t.”
{you fucking selfish asshole. When the fuck will spending time with your child every time you can be more important than partying, or drinking alone, or being high or being a victim of everything not working out for you? How dare you trying to joke converse with me about having joint custody when you haven’t even gone two months without fucking up on her fucking time. Fuck you, JDawg, and your fucking weakness. Grow the fuck up and be a goddamn father.}
Then I had to tell her.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to not lie in this situation? Do you know how much easier it’d be to say he was sick, or had to work, or something elaborate and fabulous so that she could understand him being taken away from her on their day of fun? Or how hard it is to tamp down the small, spiteful side of me that wants to tell her he’s not coming because he’s a selfish fucking asshole?
Instead.
“Daddy can’t come today. He was out with friends late last night, and he didn’t sleep very much, and he’s just not feeling up to a visit today, but he said he’ll be here for sure, tomorrow.”
And the tears. And my heart breaking. And the concerns that this will happen every six to nine weeks for the rest of her life and that one day, I will be thankful only that it’s not more frequent than that. That I (and her) will be that desensitized to it.
Damn straight he spent $50 to take her to the aquarium for the day today and showed up on time, appropriately guilty.
{you know, these brackets are the inside my head thoughts, right?}
