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On Loving That Which is Not Good For You

January 19th, 2009 | Chantix, confessions of a confessaholic, love letters

I guess I’ve been a tad dishonest. I have fallen in love before.

It was still a co-dependant relationship and nothing about it is healthy, and I’m still often taken back to the days of first feeling those head-over-heels thoughts. But there’s still a lot of hurt and anger and resentment about this relationship I’m speaking of.

I love smoking.

I hate it.

It’s been good to me; it’s been hell on my wallet and my future health.

I’ve tried to quit a bunch of times and my heart wasn’t in it. I’ve gone mental, when trying to erase those little torture devices from my day to day, taking a drug that has worked for everyone I’ve known that’s tried it. It made me so all-over-the-place that within a week, I knew I had to wean myself from it.

I honestly didn’t even quit when I was pregnant. At first, I wasn’t allowed to. High risk pregnancy, heart issues, a history of losing eight other babies – all reasoning for two doctors to tell me not to quit, because it would place too much strain upon the developing Isobel. I was instructed on how to cut back from a pack a day habit to five or less cigarettes within a 24-hour period, over a few months’ period. Get that? 20 to 5, but I had to take months to narrow them down.

I did good. Then my dad was dying. And food and lack of caffeine and smoking less went out the window. I blame myself and those cigarettes I smoked for the duration of the last trimester for her colic. I blame him, honestly. Like I need more things to pin on my father, but yes, I pin that one on him, too.

But over the past month or so, I’ve been smoking less, unintentionally. And this is a good thing, really. This gets me a tad excited, how I used to need to buy a pack every 36 hours and now, it’s every three or four days. This makes me think that maybe, inadvertently, I’m naturally giving them up.

I’ve smoked, in total, for 13 years. I started when I was 12, quit when I was 15, and started again on the day that Rockstar Ex and I broke up, when I was 19. Smoking is what, if you believe more in science than karma, killed my father. Smoking is what could kill me one day.

Yet I love it. I’m in love with it. And I don’t want to break up with smoking.

And I have three really really really good reasons.

What the hell would I do during time outs? And what if I gained a bunch of weight? And really, the major one: I wouldn’t be a cool kid, anymore.

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  • Ali
    I am off the cigs nearly 5 weeks now. While I feel so much better for it physically & Im not craving any more (I am using the patches) - this week (5th week)was most definitely the hardest. I felt - to say the least suicidal, hormonal(which should not be so) & as if my body had been battered and bruised. A friend has said this is the detox process as I have never lasted this long before & my body may be objecting a little!! I eat healthily, drinks loads of water & exercise. Any words of wisdom please?
  • Al_Pal
    Oh, honey! *hugs*
    I'm lucky -- I never smoked more than a few here and there. I wish you luck with your path, whatever route it may take.
  • Whatever, dude. All the cool kids are quitting and you know it!

    <abbr>Visit Colleen - Mommy Always Wins to read...Is this a sickness?</abbr>
  • I never got around to taking up smoking (tried a couple times but it irritated my asthma too bad to make it worth it) but I could compare this to my Dr. Pepper habit. I must have it! I must have several bottles in the house at all times! (In fact I'm drinking one right now!) Everyone tells me it makes me gain wait and that the amount of sugar and caffeine in it is going to kill me just as fast as smoking can. But I CAN'T give it up! Diana and Jimmy said the whole household was going to give up drinking pop, and I replied, "Except for me! I'm not giving up my Dr. Pepper!" ::sigh::

    <abbr>Visit Nicki to read...Be Kind... Our President Wants You Too!</abbr>
  • I had 26 years with the cigarette addiction. 22 with Alcohol. In the end when your truly ready you'll kick the habit. I do hope it's before any major damage is done. My dr. likes to grind it in my head if I had quit as much as 2 years earlier, I might of stopped the onset of the Emphysema...

    The Alcohol..I needed to drown. I was successful in that. If I were to ever drink again it would truly be the end of me. Honestly 43 is a little too young to end my story yet. (Hugs)Indigo

    <abbr>Visit Indigo to read...Do I Get A Disclaimer?</abbr>
  • Oh how I miss smoking on the deck of my beach house reading novel after novel. It really was a favorite pass time of mine. Health got the best of my habit and I quit in 2000. I had been smoking for 8 years by then. I am so happy I did quit, but there are days when I do crave it. Good for you for cutting back. You will quit when you are really ready.
  • I'm with you. As per the usual lately no?

    <abbr>Visit Miss to read...Weekly Winners [Jan11/Jan17]</abbr>
  • My husband quit smoking once and for all on the day Bush got inaugurated. So maybe tomorrow is your day.

    <abbr>Visit the mama bird diaries to read...a trip to the mall</abbr>
  • What the hell would I do during time outs?
    i'm impressed you have time outs, lol. i thought you had 1000 plates spinning at all times.

    And what if I gained a bunch of weight?
    realistically, you might gain a couple pounds... but that's only if you replace cigarettes with food. unhealthy food. so don't. replace it with something better. a keep your hands busy hobby like knitting... playing with your kid... exercise... or teeth whitening. or if food is your choice... carrot sticks and gum should keep you out of trouble.

    And really, the major one: I wouldn’t be a cool kid, anymore.
    well that one's true. although vancity is making it such a nightmare to be a smoker these days, the tide is turning on smoking = cool. smoking now = social pariah.
    (and that's why i love vegas. you can still smoke almost everywhere)

    <abbr>Visit vancityrockgirl to read...tgif</abbr>
  • Aw, don't worry. The cool kids don't smoke anymore. They've moved on to heroin!
    My mother finally quit after about 112 years (or something like that) and while she was a major BITCH at first, she's finally mellowed out and started saying she feels better, breaths better, and isn't killing her animals with second hand smoke anymore.
    But there IS that love factor.....
    Good luck - either way you go.

    <abbr>Visit Jesse to read...No Job = Full Panic Mode</abbr>
  • I loved smoking, too, from age 12 to 35. If I'm honest, I still do, but I just haven't done it for a year and a half. I'm loving it from afar, I guess.

    I take deep breaths during my own time outs, and it's so fulfilling. I gained about 20 pounds when I quit smoking, ate a little better to lose 10 of those and call it good because it's sexier than smoking (and I could afford a 10 pound gain). Thankfully, smoking stopped looking cool to me a few years ago when I realized that I was actually embarrassed when people knew I smoked instead of wearing it proudly like some kind of badge to alternately draw people in or push them away as I did for the first 20 years I smoked.

    Wherever you go from here, I wish you the best. I'm here if my experience is helpful or will be quiet if it's the opposite of that.

    <abbr>Visit Maggie's Mind to read...Not My Valentine</abbr>
  • I think you'd look way *cooler* with other things in hand...but that's just me. :) *hugs and love* for no matter what you decide to do!

    <abbr>Visit Ashley to read...Paparazzi Love…Or something</abbr>
  • They didn't send you the memo?

    The cool kids don't smoke anymore and the boys like girls wit' a little junk in da trunk!
  • I started smoking when I was 12. I used to sneak my Dad's Camels and Mikey, the kid that lived down the alley, used to have Kents all the time. I smoked for 25 years. Finally, at age 37, and after having tried several times to quit, I did quit. I have now been quit for as long as I smoked. So yeah. I'm old. And I'm fatter - although I don't think I can blame that on not smoking. But I'm alive. And I'm still cool - even though I don't smoke.

    <abbr>Visit lceel to read...</abbr>
  • I only smoke when I am on fire.

    I had an intense relationship with the booze, but it got messy, and now we are just casual friends.

    <abbr>Visit SingleParentDad to read...Part Time Everything</abbr>
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