On Drawing the Line

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The morning after some 'light' Christmas Eve drinkingI did something today that I’ve never done before. When JDawg showed up for his visit after a night of obviously heavy drinking, I said he needed to leave.

I could smell him the moment he walked in the door and the non-discreet way that he popped some gum into his mouth didn’t help his case. Knowing that there is a clause to his visitation rights, he chose to spend the evening getting what my olfactory glands can only assume was smashed.

He didn’t seem drunk, but he didn’t seem sober either. Looking into his red-rimmed, blood-shot eyes, I could tell that it hadn’t been 12 hours. And when I asked if he’d been drinking late, because I could smell the booze, he admitted he had. But he wouldn’t tell me when he stopped drinking, just that it was late.

And when he started yelling at me, when I challenged why, yet again, he would put his visit with her as a second priority over a party with his sometimes on, sometimes off friends, I could tell that he wasn’t in a sober state of mind.

He said he wasn’t drunk; wasn’t even hungover. Kudos to him I suppose, since the amount of alcohol coming off of him was enough to potentially give me a contact high.

Since we signed our agreement and I had it filed with the court system of BC, I’ve never fulfilled my responsibility to cancel a visit if he was in less-than-sober form, for a multitude of reasons. It was easier to not fight and guilt-trip him over it; and some of those times when he had shown up (or still been here) inebriated, I was in love with him, or had had a few drinks with him the night before, or I just chalked it up to he has a problem and can’t control himself.

I am Zoeyjane’s co-dependance.

I took, for so many years, his drinking as a sign of me not being good enough and my problem with it, a sign of not being understanding enough. Hell, being told again and again, over and over that my love or lack thereof was a cause of it, really led me to the belief that I shouldn’t argue it. I still did, and often, but I felt that I had no right to, really, since I was both the cause of and solution to all of his life’s problems. Any negative reaction I threw his way, I felt nearly immediately guilty and selfish for  – because obviously I was just being insensitive and resentful, and he can’t control himself because he’s sick, right?

Wrong.

Today, after being yelled at and sternly spoken to and disrespected on almost every plain possible, I doled out a speech after telling him that I thought he should say good-bye to Isobel and leave.

Amazingly, he refrained from the usual insinuations that I was a slut who’d ruined his life, directly calling me a bitch or cunt, and critiquing what lack luster mothering I give. He did tell me about how I should get a real job so that I understand how hard he has to work his ass off, how I shouldn’t be allowed to drink either (because we all know how often I black out, or you know, have more than one drink in a given week’s time), and about how I control everything and always have and always will.

The speech I gave?

Highlighted, in bold-faced tones, with italics and exclamation points, that he was an adult, and had made a choice to go against the court-ordered agreement he’d signed that stated he would not drink for 12 hours prior to, or during, a visit. That his ignorance of that agreement was finished, regardless of how many times in the past I’d been the person sitting across from him at the brunch table with Isobel, when he’d asked if he could have a beer and I’d been emotionally powerless to say no.

That he had chosen to disregard these rules he’d helped make, knowing that it would put his visitation in jeopardy. That this was not the first time it had happened in her life, that I was not to blame for his choices and that I wasn’t going to play the game of ‘blame Zoeyjane’ anymore.

I reminded him, not sensitively but not insultingly, that his visitation had been stripped on more than one occasion in the past for calling ’sick’ multiple times when he was supposed to see her. That a parent doesn’t say one day how much he misses his kid, the next week that he’s owed a day off of visitation and the next, go drinking the night before.

And do you know what he did?

The parent of the year seethed for a few minutes, told his daughter that he loved her and then that he had to leave because he was getting very angry.

And do you know what his daughter did? She got sad and she said “sowwee, otay,” and she looked at the floor. Then he walked out the door, saying goodbye to her as he strutted away and he never corrected his major error.

I was left to explain to her that Daddy didn’t mean he was getting angry with her, that she didn’t need to apologize for anything. While she fucking cried. I had to say that because Daddy was supposed to do something and he hadn’t, that meant that he couldn’t play. Just like how if she wasn’t being nice, was doing something she knew she wasn’t supposed to, she wouldn’t be allowed to play, either. And that she’d see him soon, next weekend. I had to draw a parallel for her between her hitting a friend and him choosing for the zillionth time in her life to get drunk. Without explaining more than she needs to know, at two and a fucking half years old.

I had to make it all better for her, for him.

So today, I drew a line with JDawg – no longer would I be afraid of his reaction or his unwillingness to like me because of my willingness to hold him accountable for actions he’s not willing to take responsibility for.

And today, I realized what I really am afraid of: having to ever again or always explain to my daughter that her father’s problem is not her own.

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  • I can't imagine being in your shoes on this one, and my heart breaks for Isobel, but it sounds like you've taken a big positive step forward and are also very good at explaining to someone so little things I'm sorry you have to explain at all. That is the part over which you have some control, and I admire how you handled it.

    <abbr>Visit Maggie's Mind to read...Weekly Winners Sunday 1/11/09</abbr>
  • Oh. Fuck.

    But dude, you handled that brilliantly. BRILLIANTLY.

    <abbr>Visit Mr Lady to read...You Will Be Assimilated. Resistance is Futile.</abbr>
  • Vic
    You are amazing! Whatever it is you do to celebrate, you should go and do it, because that was a major step.
  • lorrie
    that is so much pain. the look that must have been on her face, and then you have to do that. to comfort her when you want to scream. have to say nice things about him .so.fucking.wrong.
    streamlined pain.
    i havent read your history but i know how hard that is. you deserve major majorness for doing that. keep going.
  • I found you from Playgroups blog. LOUD APPLAUSE, and thought I don't know you ((((hugs))).. I now have a 12 year old son who has (through many many years of talking) understands his dad loves him. He just still needs some work!

    <abbr>Visit SabrinaT to read...An Award!!</abbr>
  • Newish reader.

    GOOD FOR YOU!! You did the right thing and handled it amazingly. I know that wasn't easy to do. I know. It's not fair that you are left to clean up his mess. Know that it is HIS mess though and you protected your daughter and took a step forward in showing her that there are consequences for actions.

    <abbr>Visit Ashlie- MommyCosm to read...Closing in on HER...</abbr>
  • I am so proud of you. You handled that SO well. Now, if I could just get my hands on JDawg .....

    <abbr>Visit lceel to read...Questions and Answers</abbr>
  • I think you said and did everything you needed to and handled it with the utmost class. I am very proud of you.

    <abbr>Visit OHmommy to read...Because. I need more things to do.</abbr>
  • That would be difficult to handle, I wouldn't have had as much class!

    <abbr>Visit doublebanker to read...01/12/09 - 1.21 gigawatts</abbr>
  • This is all so very sad. I've been through my own version - though very different. I'm so glad you focused in on soothing your girl. Sounds like you did an excellent job. It does get easier.

    <abbr>Visit deezee to read...Life vs. the Living</abbr>
  • I think that you are handling this very well, given the circumstance. It's always hard to deal with someone elses shortcomings and irresponsible choices, especially when they effect you and your child.

    You're doing fabulous. xo

    <abbr>Visit Miss to read...Someone asked me 5 Questions</abbr>
  • That was a HUGE huge step and you did awesomely - I just wish little miss didn't have to think for a second it was her fault...

    <abbr>Visit Ashley to read...Caring Corners Mrs Goodbee Talking Dollhouse</abbr>
  • You did the right thing honey. What's most important is Isobel's safety and well-being. She may not fully understand now, but she will.

    <abbr>Visit Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas to read...Flash Me Baby!</abbr>
  • shit situation my dear.
    but you're doing the right thing.

    <abbr>Visit vancityrockgirl to read...love thy neighbour?</abbr>
  • You're a tough cookie. And you did the right thing.

    But my heart broke a little for your babygirl misunderstanding. It's so hard to see itty bitty kids get their feelings hurt like that.

    *hugs you both*

    <abbr>Visit Maria to read...weekly winners - jan 3-10</abbr>
  • Oh, that poor baby girl of yours. It just breaks my heart. But, I'm really glad that you stood up to him. I don't understand people who drink, and so I really don't understand people who put alcohol in front of their children.

    <abbr>Visit conversemomma to read...Feminist or Fraud?</abbr>
  • Kim
    WTF with him? I can't. I am proud of you ZJ. My heart breaks that you have to be in this at all..but I am super proud of you.

    <abbr>Visit Kim to read...Weekly Winners</abbr>
  • Oh, your poor baby! :( I'm so glad she has a mama to explain that it wasn't her fault.
  • well-done, darlin'. absolutely well-done.

    the one who loses the most is jdawg.

    <abbr>Visit the planet of janet to read...There's no crying in cheerleading. Oh, wait. Yes there is...</abbr>
  • pam
    You are a really good mum.
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