You’d think, being a 28 year old single mother, largely unemployed and unemployable, a drop-out several times over, living alone and with no future plans of wedded bliss, I’d be bummed. I should be sitting here thinking ‘dammit, this is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I expected so much more.’
But I didn’t. So I’m not disappointed.
How fucked up is that? How should it have turned out?
If you’d asked me 20 years ago, I’d probably have said something morbid about being dead. Truth be told, I’ve come close more times than someone should’ve at my age, both self-inflicted and not. The miscarriage in the spring was the final nail in the way-too-soon-seeking coffin and it woke me up. I lost, in a two week period, all of my blood. I had four transfusions. Because I was growing a baby that really shouldn’t have been, with someone I really shouldn’t have been with.
If you’d asked me ten years ago, I’dve been married to the rock star ex. We’dve had two kids, a couple of dogs and plenty of tattoos (we both still have plenty of tattoos). Our home would have been custom built in a forested area, created from ideas we’d kicked around about building an entire log cabin with two floors and an open concept, around a floor to ceiling self-contained fireplace. There would be deer outside that we’d be able to see through the 20 foot high windows. And the basement would have been a soundproofed recording studio. And I would have been what? A chick waiting at home for her husband to come off of tour after tour. Lonely. A single parent in an isolated environment. But I would’ve had a sewing room.
If you’d asked me five years ago… okay six. I was working on my first baby incubation with JDawg (babyFAIL) and we would have gotten married soon. We would have bought a small, but good enough condo. Owned a shabby, but good enough car. Had a bazillion gaming consoles and books and movies and little furniture or dishes. Our life would have been entirely composed of doing just well enough to not feel like we sucked, too much.
If you asked me a year and a half ago, I’d have a few more goals than today because I was still stuck in a mind-frame that I’ve since let melt away. Until I got a degree, it meant I was always going to be a drop out. Until I had a successful romantic relationship, I would always be a crazy girlfriend. Until my daughter was far ahead of the curve, I was never going to be a good mother. Now, I believe that if I take it a day at a time, if I’m putting out there my thoughts and feelings, if I’m honest and true, then even the mis-timed, shitty, heart-wounding things will make me better.
So, if you asked me today what it is about my life that I would change, there’d be a few things. If you asked me how far away from where I’m supposed to be I am, there’d be some distance. But you won’t catch me ruing that space between where I am and where I could be.
Because, really, I’m still on my way there.
