You know what I do almost every day now? Not eat anything until around dinnertime, subsisting on a couple of cups of white (or not) mocha, English breakfast tea and a few stolen bites of Isobel’s snacks.
Then dinner comes and if I’ve the energy and she’s the lack of it, I cook and I eat a normal amount. Then I eat what she’s refused to.
Then, sometime between her bedtime and whenever I stumble into bed (generally between 1 and 3am), I habitually inhale an entire box of crackers with at least a cup of hummus. Or four servings of broccoli, with half a cup of ranch dip. Or whatever leftovers are now living in the fridge from dinner.
It’s not intentional – I mean, it’s not as if I’m willingly starving myself during the day and then at night, being so famished I can’t stop the gorging. What it is is a constant level of distraction. I’m too distracted to eat during the day, and then when things are peaceful at night, I’m too distracted not to. I’m, as with most things, completely avoiding the fine balance between healthy and self-destructive.
And when you’ve had a torrid (damn, I love that word) history with eating disorders, like I have had, it’s really just more of the same. Being not totally cured, being able to look in a mirror and know that my thighs don’t touch, so therefore they’re not fat, but still seeing evidence…I’m nearly always avoiding relapse. So starving during the day is accidental, right now. And binging at night is unintentional – thankfully. But it doesn’t take much.
My last relapse, you know how it happened? Like this, but then I got the flu. And my six-pack abs came back and I was unable to say no to that dirty little whore that is protruding hip and collar bones. How much weight did I lose? Maybe only 10 pounds less than I weigh now. So not that much, right? Except when you consider that I’m already at least 10-15 pounds underweight.
My body runs at peak performance when I feed it regularly. Well, everyone’s does, I suppose – that was kind of like, the most redundant statement, ever – but more specifically, when I eat a high protein, low wheat/dairy diet, filled with poultry, beef and vegetables. If I can stick to eating every three hours, if it’s quality foods, my blood sugar stays balanced. So I don’t dip and get crazy tired. Or eat a bite of chocolate and skyrocket. My headaches are fewer and more tolerable, and I’m not cold, with shaking hands all of the time.
And I can wake up each morning happy to be awake. I can look outside and see puddles to splash in, not more rain to trudge through. I can look at a bank balance and see potential, not shortcomings. Even more externally rewarding – I gain weight in the form of muscle mass, filling in the hipbones and maintaining the willowy waif look that I get off on.
Enter resolution #2: Go back to the hippy-athlete diet.
So that I feel healthier, happier, saner and hotter. So that I can model for Isobel the right food choices in a healthy way. So that I can stop feeling guilty, fat and frumpy. So I have energy to get a great ass and do the other how-ever-many-resolutions-I-get-around-to-making. For some fucking inner peace, already.
[Update: So far, only a few more dollars have been raised in ad revenue since the last update. Like, $6, really. I'm all 'huh?' but then I figured out that there isn't a lot of high-rolling ads this month, getting a lot of impressions. Dammit, eh? Once again, the first three leaders are Lou, Jeremy and Vancityrockgirl, with new 4th and 5th placers, Lotus and Solo Mother. Thanks everyone for helping out, but don't stop now! There's still 9 days left!]
