On the Not-So-Slaqueur Post

I woke up this morning, the third time, and the good little wiccan in me did a little squeal and thought, ’solstice!’. Then I thought, Holy Fucking Christ (yup, there went my remaining two readers)! It’s Christmas in three days (cuz you don’t count today)!

I guess I’ve got some seasonal-type stuff to take care of, right? Merriment to spread and all? Presents to wait for by the mailbox? Yah. We decorated some cookies the other night. Isobel on that sugar high was awesome.

No really, I’m good. I’ve just gotta make some meatballs and gravy and mash some potatoes. Maybe I could wrap the presents I bought for myself, too.

So, I figure, I might as well fast forward a bit (even though I know I’m behind. You’ll get those interview questions, and an update for funds raised, and know who [probably Lou, right, he's crazy great with the pushing] is in the lead for referrals) to the new year and my resolutions. There’s going to be a little bit everyday that I post from today to the 1st. Today is all about this:

The area I like to call non-existent. See those hips? Yeah, me neither. Any hint of an ass, there? Nope. Nada. I have these hip bones that jut forward most days of the month, and then they also stand out the sides, and between these two areas, where most women have developed muscle and fat which gives them an aura of uterusness, I have a fucking concave bit of nothingness.

Do you know how depressing it is to have Tara Reid’s waist-to-hip area? Thank god the twins are cool (seriously, the twins are money, Not Tara-like At All). And because of this lack of padding and excessive amounts of muscle atrophy I’ve experienced amongst the 21 years I’ve dieted, I have no butt, either.

Now, this is how I see me. And how my friends see me – those who have something considered a boo-tay. JDawg once compared it to a Victoria’s Secret runway model’s – I think he was drunk and/or high. The general lack of the topic suggests I’m more right, than not. Keeping this in mind, 2009 will be…

The year to get a great ass.

Did you know I used to teach yoga? That I did it for (counting fingers…hang on for a sec) 11 years before I got pregnant with Isobel and put on bedrest? Yeah, totally. But you know, I never had the butt of a yoga instructor. And my size 4 lululemon pants are impressively baggy – which doesn’t help my case. Most disturbing was that I once figured out who my celebrity ass twin was and a bunch of people agreed – Gwenyth Paltrow. See? I’m totally not bragging there, since that is nothing to brag about.

So there you have it. Resolution #1.

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