How do I know that the ice covering my heart – something I’ve advertised and had accusatorily thrown in my face – isn’t really invincible?
When I walked down the street this morning, crying because someone that doesn’t even associate with me was hurting. When someone made a choice that caused upheaval in every way possible and then took back that decision.
Why or how or who or when or why? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that for some time, people have been hurt and it was okay. And then for sometime no one was hurt because everyone was living lies. And that was okay. And now, hurt all around.
And really, none of it was okay.
If there’s any message I can impart. If there’s anything I can live and have people watch and say, “Yes, I want that,” it’s this. Go with your heart and don’t hurt people in the act of doing it. People will hurt yes, but there’s a difference between acting on feelings and calculating deception.
If you cannot go to bed at night and lie there, feeling good about the things you’ve done, then you’re doing it wrong. If you haven’t been able to feel innocent in quite some time, then the narrative you’re speaking is false. If you’re aware that your actions will cause hurt and you continuing acting on them, adding to the bulk of the karmic deficit, then things will be broken that might not ever be mended again.
And if you bring spectators into it, some will turn away from the villain of the moment; others will turn away, but still cry silently while pushing a stroller down the street.
I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’ve used, acted, manipulated, felt nothing for but refused to let go of. But when I was done, I was done, there was no sticking around, regardless of the extenuating circumstances. And because of that, I’m actually pure in one area only – fidelity. It is absolute, always. Until it’s over and then hey, it might have only been 12 hours before I stepped away from the relationship into a bed.
I am different, I know this. I know some people cannot leave point A without knowing which direction point B is in. Security, safety, acceptance, company. We all crave it, need it. But dragging other people along half way to point A, then seeing the turn off and pushing them out of the car? So inhumane.
I’d like to think that people don’t just hurt others without telling them cuz it’s easier than actually telling them – but I am not naive. And so, I end this with less than a touch of class:
Fuck your spineless antics in the past because now the present is fucked up for everyone. Don’t say you’re going to do something and then not. Don’t lie to save yourself. Don’t make excuses why it’s easier to wait. Don’t wait. Don’t not try. Don’t expend energy where you shouldn’t, when the true answer lies within yourself. Fix your fucking self before you promise to make anyone else happy. Try being 100% honest with every single person for an entire day about everything about you.
And don’t come crawling around here, before you do.
Make progress, not karmic deficit.
