On Obsession (not the parfum)
Posted on November 9, 2008
Filed Under Daily Maybe Photo, avoidance behaviour, confessions of a confessaholic |
So, a nice addition to my personal brand of crazy is OCD. That would be Obfreakingsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Yah, I know, everyone’s made some joke at some point, “Ha, I put away all of my laundry within seconds of ironing, I’m so OCD,” or the even more fun, “I cannot step on cracks in the sidewalk. I won’t. I think I’ve got OCD.” Dudes, you’re cool.
True OCD is a little more severe and it’s unwavering, for the most part.
I cannot have a cupboard door open. Not because I might bump into it, or it looks wrong. Because if a door is open, then something bad is going to happen. It’s an omen. And making sure all doors are shut is a proactive approach at defeating apocalypse.
My clothes have to be organized by type, then chromatically. Not cuz it looks nice, or makes it quicker to put together l’ensemble du jour. Because if it’s not, I cannot see individual pieces (okay, that’s the ADD, mostly) and subsequently cannot dress myself. More so, having an unorganized closet means that first moths will congregate, then large bugs to eat the moths, then rodents, to eat the larger bugs, then (I don’t know. I’ve never gotten further than that without cleaning up the damn closet) maybe dinosaurs?
Stairs must be counted. But only going down. If not, I could trip and then Isobel would trip and then she could die. If I count them going up, then I am basically guaranteeing that the next time we descend, she will trip and fall and die.
Dishes must be washed in a certain order, lest be not clean enough, leading to botulism and ecoli and our subsequent deaths.
Bathing can only be accomplished in a completely clean tub - if it’s not clean, we can’t bathe. If I don’t have time to adequately scrub the tub with Mr. Clean, an SOS pad and then Method tub and tile spray for an entire week, we’re not bathing for an entire week. I’m not sure exactly what it could lead to other than germs being all over us and eventually, some form of death, probably by flesh eating bacteria. The point is, it’s wrong.
Money cannot lie around. It must be counted and put away if it’s in my vision. I used to not be able to have conversations with people because there’d be a change jar - some old, clear jam jar in it’s past life - and I could see the money and need to pour it out. But it would be rude to pour out someone else’s change, so I’d just fixate on counting what I could see, then figuring out what percentage of actual change in the jar it was, and so arrive at a general idea - the whole time ignoring them talking to me. Then, that wouldn’t be good enough, so I’d ask if I could count it - offer to roll it all up for them, and even adding in my own change so that the remainder of unrolled coin was an even total. Not Odd and definitely Not a prime number.
There’s more. There’s so much more. More like how groceries must be ordered on the conveyor belt at the store (the person behind me might be a robber, and they might have a gun, and if my groceries are not closely clumped together and even, frick, symmetrical, I will be the first hostage) and then put into bags (I won’t understand what I’ve bought, if it’s not. And I will have a really hard time putting it away when I get home - wanting to throw it all out, instead), and how about that I cannot wash off makeup in the same day that I’ve applied it (my skin might fall off), and that I’ve had panic attacks in the store because I couldn’t choose a kind of soup because the flavours were not turned towards me (which meant they were facing away from me and that is just a whole different kind of crazy making.)?
But I think maybe it’s enough, for now, to give you an idea of the certain sort of desperation there is that goes into my form of mild OCD.
This was my view this afternoon during Isobel’s quiet/nap time:
I needed to tweeze my eyebrows. Every single damn blonde hair that was not meant to be part of them? They all had to come out. Every. Single. One. Normally, I wax for this very reason - it’s so time intensive to tweeze the extra blonde hairs you’ll find on a red head - but couldn’t afford it this time. So, two hours and 34 minutes later, I was done, and got off of the floor, officially. The result? I have fabulous eyebrows, now. And I’ve staved off being blinded, yet again. And now, I have to remove that cupboard door because it won’t just stay shut.
Tell me, what does your particular brand of OCD include?
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Wow! You really put it out there, don’t you? And you know a decent psychologist could probably fix all this with some simple cognitive behavioural therapy?
Anyway, we’re all of us somewhere on a spectrum from boring to wacko. I used to have to always put on my right sock first. Think that derived from my mum saying “best foot forward” when I was tiny. Be careful what you say to your kids people, it stays with them! And I can get “stuck” looking at patterns in tiles, or a wrinkle in a plaster ceiling. Not so much since I started on the anti-dep meds.
Good post as usual. xx
Visit spotrick to read…Library iCal application
I dont even know where to begin with my OCD. Or my boyfriend’s. I hope it doesn’t rub off on our kid.
By the way, I gave you a tweet of the day award. http://expensivemistakescheapthrills.co.za/meme/tweet-of-the-day/ - go see which tweet it was for!
Visit expensive mistakes cheap thrills to read…Tweet of The Day
Fascinating. My uncle had quite severe OCD and it could be scary.
I do the grocery thing and I also count syllables in words and divide them into two equal halves with the odd letter in the middle (if there is one). I think this is just a calming thing for me and it also entertains me when I’m bored. There’s a coupla others but I’ll save them for now! (:
Visit Eve Grey to read…I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly
If I started listing them I’d miss the time of day where I need to sit and watch what order the neighbour’s bedroom lights get switched on.
Visit Xbox4NappyRash to read…Notes from a post surgical desert
The place I live in and the people I live with have cured me of any OCD tendencies I might have had. Seriously. Of course, nature abhors a vacuum and there will be more rushing in to fill it, but let’s not get into that now.
Visit Assentia to read…Pet Peeves
wow, this is so outside my world. if only a sister version of mild ocd could visit me and get me to file my stacks of mail.
Let’s see, just getting dressed. My clothes have to be stacked in the order I put them on and I have to put them on in the same order. Not so hard at home, but playing hockey I am the same way. I also tap the posts a certain way before each period and I cannot have 2 skates on the ice when I skate over a line.
Just a taste…
Visit Hockeyman to read…Technology
Did you ever get to read my post on OCD? (It’s not on my blog anymore, but if you want to read it, I’ll send it to you.) Let’s just say that some of the bolded words in your post made me start twitching because I have a thing about words.
I often retrace my steps because I don’t want to go around something that is deemed negative without un-going around it. Does that make sense? I feel like there is a string attached to my back that can tangle around whatever it is that is bothering me.
I can’t think bad thoughts without absolutely HAVING to think up something good.
I chuckled at the bath thing. I won’t let my son take a bath unless I’ve used something antibacterial on the tub because I have a plantar wart on my foot and I’m afraid he’s going to get them on his ass. I’m glad he prefers showers now. I never go barefoot in my home for the same reason. I always have socks or shoes on because I don’t want my wart-y germs getting on the carpet. I wash my socks separately, lest the wart juice get on anything else. Like underwear.
Sometimes even numbers bother me, sometimes odd - it depends on the stage in my life.
There is so much more; I used to have to rinse my eyes, ears, mouth off after seeing, hearing, or saying a word that was part of my laundry list of negative words, but I don’t do that anymore, at least not usually.
It’s interesting, but I never realized what I had growing up (it started when I was eight), because you always hear the “typical” symptoms like excessive cleanliness, need for organization, germophobe and had no idea that my little habits/quirks were the same thing; but now that I’m older and my symptoms have run the gamut, I am finding myself falling into the more stereotypical category. I’m going BONKERS right now because my apartment is packed up and the boxes are making clutter.
I also obsessively THINK about things - as evidenced in my current tooth obsession.
This is getting too long, I may have to post something on my own blog.
Visit Natalie to read…Interpretation
after reading this, I’m pretty sure I don’t have OCD. At least not anymore.
Hugs & kisses, luv
Visit vdog to read…It All Started Out So Innocently…
Spotrick: That’s my only problem with our medical system in Canada. If I was pro medication, I could be referred to a psychiatrist, but after years on and off the stuff, I can’t do it. Cognitive therapy is usually only offered by psychologists around here - and those aren’t covered. And I don’t have $250 to drop every two weeks.
Eve: is it weird that I just figured out how to do the syllable thing, wondering if I should start that too, for calming? When I was a little kid, syllables were a big thing - I would have to speak in a certain amount, depending on how many were in the comment or question I was replying to. It made conversations realllllly long, as I sat there calculating in my head.
Xbox: but are you waiting for a specific number, or just for the appropriate curtains to open, so you can save on normally porn-dedicated bandwidth?
Assentia: I want to live where you do.
deezee: Wow. See? If I had a stack of mail, it’d be like…invisible.
Hockeyman: Why hello, fellow whackjob! Pull up a chair, I’ll pour ya a Stella.
Natalie: I SO want to read your post. In fact, I’ll probably obsess over your comment, just wondering what more there is. Tell me especially about the words, please. Also, how are you with fast-frame camera work in movies? Like me, I have issues with House on Haunted Hill and Tool music videos. Makes my skin want to turn inside out, I swear. It’s like being possessed.
VDog: I’m happy for you. But don’t worry, you’re still part of club crazy
You asked for it. I just sent you the longest email, EVER.
Visit Natalie to read…Interpretation
certain tasks at work have to be written in green, and when complete they must be marked off in red.
if i have to draw lines between the printed text in order to seperate order numbers or something, the lines have to be in pencil and must not touch the top or bottom text.
all other meeting notes must be done in a blue pen.
there is nothing on my table apart from what i am busy with at that very moment.
i now have a dishwasher, but if i do them by hand- dishes are a thing for me too…
i first run hot-as-hell clean water and wash the glasses and then the coffee mugs. then its clean hot water and then i wash all the cutlery. then the rest of the crockery. then its clean water again for the pots. and they have to be completely spotlessly clean. if there’s something left on them i will wash it again.
Visit angel to read…And I’ve been tagged again!
I am exactly the same way with groceries. They go on the belt by packaging style, then where they’ll go in the fridge, etc. They go IN THE BUGGY the same way. It’s fucking obnoxious.
Visit Mr Lady to read…You Can Get Anything You Want
I have my quirks but no real and actual OCD. I’m totally impressed though with the whole jar of coins thing that you can do counting some parts and then doing the percentage thing. I bet you would win one of those count the stuff in the jar contests, no?
The volume must be played on even number on the tv. The right shoe must be put on first. The light, windowns, doors checked, and rechecked, and checked again, sometimes in the middle of the fucking night. The constant worry that my children will die if I don’t do things a certain way, have things in a certain order. This is the gift my father gave to me. It can be exhausting, but I use meditation and set aside specific times of the day when I will worry. I’m more powerful than my fear. I tell myself this every single day.
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angel: I used to have a coloured ink thing, too, when I lived a corporate life - certain colours were to do, others were waiting for input, etc. then as something was checked off the to do list, it would have to change colour, so I would have to rewrite the to do list all over again. I went through a lot long post its.
Mr Lady: do you FTFO if someone tries to help you? I do. Cuz then it’s just WRONG.
Maggie: I so wish. Especially if they were giving the change away for the prize. That’d be hours of fun.
Converse: Welcome to club crazy. We’ve got lawn bowling in half an hour, powerful one.
I don’t have OCD (I’m pretty sure), but I do tend to drive myself nuts. Like, if someone isn’t here when they said they would be but usually are? They must have had car trouble, so I call them. No answer, it goes straight to voice mail? Oh shit, they probably had a wreck and the phone is laying on the pavement. They don’t call me in an hour of being late? I’m ready to call every sheriff in the city to see if an accident with their car has been reported.
Of course, turns out they just couldn’t get a signal and needed to run by the grocery first and didn’t bother to call…
Visit Ashley to read…6 Toes and all
Ohhh, how I understand the grocery conveyor belt. Woe be to John when he tries to beat me to the arranging of the groceries on the belt… he does it ALL WRONG… there be danger in this act and my limbs twitch if I try to allow it. I stop not at ripping a man’s fingers off to make my point. He no longer attempts this foul trick.
Ash: See, that’s why I love you. You’re ultimately concerned with whether someone’s okay, not that they’re just an asshole.
Lotus: Isobel’s dad - all of the things I mentioned - will do stuff on purpose to fuck with me. Then giggle like a little girl. Bah. Trade?
I truly cannot sleep in a bedroom with the closet door open… bogeyman dotcha know? My son does have OCD. It’s been getting worse as he gets older and has on occasion been bad enough that he’s missed school. I can emphasize with anyone with a true case of OfCD. It can be a bitch.
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The only thing I can think of is in the shower I have to wash all my parts in the same order or else I forget something. And that would suck.
BTW - I’m rescinding any invitation we ever extended to you to visit. You might cross the line to insane being in our messy house.
Visit A Whole Lot of Nothing to read…You’re All Meh and Feelings and Shiz
Yea I dont do this. I cant say that I do this in any aspect of my life. But I know other parts of me are insane. For sure.
looking at mirrors (faceon/directly) in the dark are a no-no. huge huge huge no-no. i can peak from under my covers in short second intervals. I MUST SLEEP WITH COVERS AT ALL TIMES.
closet door must be closed before going to bed.
bedroom door must be closed before going to bed unless you are catsitting b/c then the cat must be able to come and go and that is ok.
at my bro’s house in wpg (which is where i grew up) i can come up the basement stairs without turning to look over my shoulder b/c someone or something is surely going to follow me up the stairs…
Honestly? I’m so medicated that I *for the most part* don’t have to deal with this anymore. But I’m really annoyed that I’m NOT annoyed because why my children are still alive when my floor has not been scrubbed by hand with a toothbrush is beyond me. No seriously. I’m annoyed with myself but medicated enough to not care that I’m annoyed. I almost want to stop taking my pills so that my house will get sterilized. How sad is that?
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Van-Nasty: Also welcome to the crazy party. Pull up a stool, here’s the beer bong. Long time no see!
MomBabe: I get that. I so do. I remember being on really heavy meds and being so pissed that I didn’t need to clean anything with a toothbrush anymore, it made the entire rest of my life seem off. And going a few weeks at a time without mopping was a travesty before, whereas then, fine. FINE? WTH is FINE about that? Ahem. If the meds are helping though, damn, they’re helping.
Oh my god.. I seriously thought I was the only one out there (yes I am that under a rock) that I was the only one that organized the grocery check out.. My husband goes insane when he see me do this..
or how everything in my cabinets has to be organized..
or all the stuff in the fridge has to have label out..
I could go on and on and on..
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Kim: alright, you get a VIP card for the crazy party. It’s kicking up right now. Or whenever the voices let us get rowdy. Welcome.
I’ve mellowed out a lot over the past 10 years with Homer, but clutter still drives me crazy and I’m with you on the cupboard thing.
I think my ADD is so bad that it squashes the OCD tendancies. All these things you mention? They surface (plus a hundred like them) from time to time but I’m quickly distracted by something else before it can consume me.
Well, that was before I started taking meds for the ADD. Now that the ADD is a little more controlled this NEED for order is closer to the surface. The cupboards, the groceries, the loose change, the eyebrows (like checking them twice a day), wanting to sort Homer’s tools in the garage, washing the dishes in a certain order, eating vegtable soup in a certain order, sorting my son’s 1000s of legos by shape and then color (drives him NUTS)…
And now I’m tweaked out by all these comments because apparently the world is full of people like this and it scares me to think that this si more common that I realized.