What’s that? Yup, I’m falling in love.
With who? Oh, myself, amongst others.
This happy, hippy, confident (okay, semi confident, like 70% of the time), opening my heart to the universe thing? It’s totally rocking. It’s opening up other things, like my eyes. And my arms. And oh god, even my soul.
I can walk down the street on most days now, and find 15 people I want to smile at. Paused in the lineup at Starbucks, I find myself squatting next to Isobel, giving her an eskimo kiss. Before they’ve even given me coffee. For lack of mountain tops and apron dresses, I am singing the Sound of Music, only internally.
And it’s amazing. It’s breathtaking. It’s really awesomely surreal. And it’s totally fucking with my blog writing.
Someone whose opinion I respect – in part due to her ability to let it out without prior self-consciousness – suggested that not everything I write need be moody and laced with normally taboo subjecture. That if I consistently did that, regardless of talent, word count or pentameter, people might come to read to rubber neck. I might become a tragedy on the side of the road – something people can not look away from, mourn for but a moment and then move on, not taking anything much away.
I turned this thought over and over. I doubted my ability to put words on screen that didn’t speak of abuse, lost babies, drugs and depression. Anger, hatred, self denial – these have been my companions for so long, how could I give up writing what I know, just because I was breaking up with them?
But still I tried.
I wrote a few posts that didn’t suck completely, in my opinion. They weren’t 100% goodness and light, but neither were they 90% sadness and deceit. It was good progress. Then a plateau hit.
After a week.
I just…don’t have the ability to be fall in love, write about it, and look at my blog the next day as anything other than fluffy and degrading to who I am. I can’t.
(Not that I, in particular, feel much pride when I look at the sadness and hurt I’ve littered on ye olde blogge, anyway.)
So, we will resume our dark, clouded weather henceforth. Because sunshine and light takes a lot of effort, and I’d like to reserve it for true action, not passive aggressiveness. You know?
