On taking away what really isn’t mine
Posted on September 30, 2008
Filed Under daily drama, nonfact, worst.mummy.in.history. |
Look at the clock.
I’ve been lying here for 45 minutes trying to stop the wheels from spinning, the panic from setting in. The images from cascading.
Her saying as I’m tucking her in, "I want to go to F’s house, Mama." And I smile and say, "In the morning, Love."
Her standing on the back of the double stroller, hair blowing in the breeze and the biggest grin plastered on her face. Her running from my arms into hers, giving a hug and kiss just because she is who she is.
I can’t take that away. This makes her so happy. And I’ve already taken away too much, it seems, in her 26 months on this planet.
Look at the bank account. Look through the history. Write some numbers down, add, subtract, check dates. Look at already overdue bill and tack it onto next month’s. Adjust spreadsheet, as needed. Maybe if I just…
No. If I just, then we might not have enough to eat for a week.
Go back to bed. Know nothing has changed and feel heartbroken for her, knowing that soon she’ll ask to go and I’ll say that she can’t because we can’t afford it. Picture her face then. Picture how someone else has been taken away, someone she loves. So that I can have coffee and cigarettes and Real Simple Magazine.
Fuck. I am so selfish. Turn over, look at the clock with that mantra repeating.
20 Minutes. Turn over again. 30 minutes, fluff blanket. 50 minutes, lightbulb.
Roll all loose change. That buys and extra couple of days of groceries. Which changes…nothing. Go to bed, dreading the talk with F, knowing that there’s little way I can say what needs to be said.
"Isobel’s not coming here anymore because I can’t afford to pay you until the middle of the month." Know I’ll cry as I say it. Feel like a selfish failure of a parent.
Sleep in, as usual. Latelatelate. Must run with Dora backpack, laptop and stroller for her last morning with F. Bust out the news with, "I have a problem…"
She says it’s okay. If I can do the full month, mid-month, that’s fine. She loves Isobel, it’s okay.
Then I wake up, though I already was awake, and walk to the coffeeshop, smiling the entire way, while Isobel gets to ride on the back of the stroller, her hair blowing in the breeze and a smile plastered across her face.
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11 Responses to “On taking away what really isn’t mine”
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Flight
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Drinks
Whew! The last sentence is beautiful with imagery and makes it feel like being there.
Visit Maggie’s Mind to read…Shaken, Smoothed, Poured Over Espresso
Hooray for the good guys.
Visit Mr Lady to read…I Should Have Named Her Buffy
It’s all in the timing.
Top post, nice post.
Visit SingleParentDad to read…They Are All Doomed
You had me on the edge with this one. My heart was breaking.
Visit Alison-Mountain Momma to read…My Greatest Risk
I wish there was a way to help you. I really do. You are NOT a bad Mum. It’s the circumstances you find yourself in that suck - that doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad mother. And I realize that your circumstances may be the result of your own choices - that still doesn’t make you a bad mother. The one thing in the world that you are NOT - is a bad mother.
Visit lceel to read…The End of the End’s Beginning - The Kid - Part 11
Lou is right. You are doing everything you possibly can to be the best mom to Isobel.
Visit Tara R. to read…The spirit cries never!
So she gets to stay with F? Whew. And you are not a bad mom. Your a mom with a few financial handcuffs. Big Hugs.
Visit Mrs. Kitty to read…Anger Management
Nice people really do exist :o)
Money is tight everywhere right now. I really hope some doors open for you.
Visit .Ophelia Mourne. to read…trip down memory lane
I’m glad it worked out…it’s so good for the both of you.
Visit Huckdoll to read…I Rock The Party
i too have had many many people bless me in mine and damien’s life together. i dunno what i woulda done without those sweet strangers.
Visit angel to read…Mwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaa…
Nice people rule.
Visit Kim to read…JIC WINNER!!! Who Won the Peanuts DVD?? Find out!