On Om Nama Shivaya*

Posted on September 22, 2008
Filed Under avoidance behaviour, confessions of a confessaholic, goalllllls! |

I’m a lazy perfectionist.

I have grand plans and start with 150% - I scrub with toothbrushes, have a chromatically-organized closet and a schedule in place for cleaning - but then I get tired or uninterested and generally end up not finishing the task.

Worst yet, I have this image in my mind of how I will tackle something and cuz the picture is too pristine, so daunting, I never even start.

Possibly my hugest downfall is the fact that when I have a lot to do, especially in regards to work, I will let it pile up further. That’s usually when some new tv show will become my obsession and I’ll get exactly nothing, not even the bare minimum, accomplished because I just check out from overwhelmtion. Then I get further sucked down in the tide of too-much-to-do and have to scramble to meet deadlines, wash three loads of laundry cuz everything but our bathing suits is dirty or go on a mega grocery shop since I’ve eaten everything in our house that is Isobel-approved in my late-night avoidance binges.

It’s not working out. And do you know what it’s done to me?

Living in a constant state of panic, not getting things accomplished stress-free and needing to write-off the world every so often has taken something away. I don’t know how to relax when it’s acceptable to.

In the past few weeks I’ve written 12 articles for my ghost-writing gig, done eight months’ bookkeeping, a bagillion loads of laundry and completely (okay 93%) decluttered my house. I’ve caught up and I’ve surpassed my bare minimum. I even baked muffins, just cuz I had the time to.

Now, I sit here wondering what to do next.

I’m not avoiding doing anything, cuz everything’s done. I’m not cleaning out my feedreader cuz it’s already clean. Dinner is prepped for tomorrow, I took a bath very recently and I’ve already written another blog post. So I’m like, what now?

These are the times when I start some inane, not much point to it, will never finish it project. These moments are few and far between, since I’m usually working against the clock (and Isobel) to get something done, barking and foaming at the mouth.

Instead.

I just have to learn to be at peace with being at peace. And that, maybe, is another chip out of the mortor that being in control has built.

* This mantra is known as the redeeming mantra. It basically means, "I bow to Shiva," Shiva being the inner Self. The ultimate definition is to aspire to be on the path for becoming all that one can be - for spiritual attainment.**

** Yes, I have a mantra written on my fridge. As well as the serenity prayer and Ghandi’s, "Be the change you want to see in the world." But don’t worry, it’s only for purely selfish reasons.

Probably just as moody:

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Comments

9 Responses to “On Om Nama Shivaya*”

  1. Maggie's Mind on September 22nd, 2008 9:52 pm

    I’d say to sit and relax with a white mocha, but that may be counter productive. I bet you’ll find your own balance as you keep aiming in the direction you are trying to go. I think even that can take practice.

    Visit Maggie’s Mind to read…Talkin’ Baseball

  2. Red Lotus Mama on September 22nd, 2008 10:08 pm

    I am so proud of you. Enjoy the peace. It is so rare a moment. Don’t start another project. Use the time to get some sleep, return phone calls, do your nails, surf the net, read a book. Just be. In that you will gain control of your sanity.

  3. the planet of janet on September 22nd, 2008 11:01 pm

    awesome. enjoy the peace of the moment.

    i wish you could whip me into shape like that.

    Visit the planet of janet to read…The karate kid

  4. Miss on September 22nd, 2008 11:08 pm

    I hope this helps you find peace.

    Visit Miss to read…Ocean Sized Love

  5. Ellie on September 23rd, 2008 6:44 am

    A lazy perfectionist. I love that.

    Visit Ellie to read…Nevada?

  6. lceel on September 23rd, 2008 6:51 am

    You could always walk down the street and go cougar the guy at Starbucks.

    Visit lceel to read…One More Postponement

  7. MomBabe on September 23rd, 2008 7:38 am

    Enjoy it.

    Visit MomBabe to read…About a tooth

  8. Jeremy on September 23rd, 2008 10:22 am

    “chromatically-organized closet”

    what does that even mean?

    Visit Jeremy to read…I wont crawl on my knees for you

  9. flickrlovr on September 23rd, 2008 10:12 pm

    Dammit, I want to be you right now. At least in the “I’m completely caught up freaking finally and now actually need to FIND something to do” sense. I am SO completely behind on everything: behind on homework, studying for tests, writing thank you notes from my birthday, cleaning my room (which has been in complete disarray for about 5 years now-like literally, it’s a mess-clothes cover the floor and pile up on desks, dressers have crap all over them)…I feel like I don’t get anything done, but am always trying to do stuff (all the while procrastinating, so I’m neither having fun and relaxing or getting shit done). It’s depressing. It’s overwhelming. It’s freaking me out and making me wake up rather panicky every single fucking morning. I hate it.

    I’m ready to be in your spot right about now. I need some inner peace. NOW.

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