I’m a lazy perfectionist.
I have grand plans and start with 150% – I scrub with toothbrushes, have a chromatically-organized closet and a schedule in place for cleaning – but then I get tired or uninterested and generally end up not finishing the task.
Worst yet, I have this image in my mind of how I will tackle something and cuz the picture is too pristine, so daunting, I never even start.
Possibly my hugest downfall is the fact that when I have a lot to do, especially in regards to work, I will let it pile up further. That’s usually when some new tv show will become my obsession and I’ll get exactly nothing, not even the bare minimum, accomplished because I just check out from overwhelmtion. Then I get further sucked down in the tide of too-much-to-do and have to scramble to meet deadlines, wash three loads of laundry cuz everything but our bathing suits is dirty or go on a mega grocery shop since I’ve eaten everything in our house that is Isobel-approved in my late-night avoidance binges.
It’s not working out. And do you know what it’s done to me?
Living in a constant state of panic, not getting things accomplished stress-free and needing to write-off the world every so often has taken something away. I don’t know how to relax when it’s acceptable to.
In the past few weeks I’ve written 12 articles for my ghost-writing gig, done eight months’ bookkeeping, a bagillion loads of laundry and completely (okay 93%) decluttered my house. I’ve caught up and I’ve surpassed my bare minimum. I even baked muffins, just cuz I had the time to.
Now, I sit here wondering what to do next.
I’m not avoiding doing anything, cuz everything’s done. I’m not cleaning out my feedreader cuz it’s already clean. Dinner is prepped for tomorrow, I took a bath very recently and I’ve already written another blog post. So I’m like, what now?
These are the times when I start some inane, not much point to it, will never finish it project. These moments are few and far between, since I’m usually working against the clock (and Isobel) to get something done, barking and foaming at the mouth.
Instead.
I just have to learn to be at peace with being at peace. And that, maybe, is another chip out of the mortor that being in control has built.
* This mantra is known as the redeeming mantra. It basically means, "I bow to Shiva," Shiva being the inner Self. The ultimate definition is to aspire to be on the path for becoming all that one can be – for spiritual attainment.**
** Yes, I have a mantra written on my fridge. As well as the serenity prayer and Ghandi’s, "Be the change you want to see in the world." But don’t worry, it’s only for purely selfish reasons.
