Today, I reached a breaking point. I heard more gossip said about me, I was enraged at someone else’s health-related choices, Isobel was a terror during the witching hours. I felt helpless and so weighted down, I could barely breathe. It felt like a panic attack – one that’s lasted for about five months.
I vented a bit online to friends. They wanted to help, but it didn’t. I walked and tried to get Isobel to sleep, but she didn’t. I tried to throw myself into writing, but I was too distracted by Isobel wanting to use the potty at the coffee shop we were hanging at. I cooked (a frozen pizza) and Isobel didn’t want it – chose to eat yogurt for dinner, instead – and ate 3/4s of it, myself.
It seemed like nothing was working. So I called one of my best friends and I told her everything and I cried. Without apology, without feeling weak. Without feeling like I should be shoving all of the feelings back inside, I just let them fall from my eyes onto my shirt.
And I got something from that. I could breathe, again.
It didn’t feel quite so big and all-encompassing because I realized that I could really let it out and move onward to another path. And so, here I go, stalking another direction…
When I was preparing to move, I threw out a lot of stuff. But this renewed fleeing instinct has become so grandiose in the past week that I almost felt like packing four or five books, Isobel’s clothes and favourite toys, her crib and some dishes. Throwing my laptop in my bag, I’d just leave all the rest and take off. It felt like it was the only choice I had, about two hours ago. We had nowhere to go or a way to get there, though.
I’m calmer now – I still feel like fleeing but know that it’s not a realistic choice for everyone if I do – but I still feel like I could do away with a lot.
So I will.
I was musing over options in relation to the information I received today, wondering what I should or could do. And after letting it all out, I’ve decided to stick to my original plan to surround myself with happy, positive experiences and people. To not play the games, or listen to the talk. To value those I spend time with and to feel like they feel I’m important to their lives, too.
So I will.
I made a commitment to myself that I was going to change things about our life and how I handled myself, my parenting, our money and our living space. I was going to be more organized, not so manic about the cleaning, get a real routine back again, and focus on spending quality time with Isobel – instead of wasting away hours until bedtime with movies, walks to the coffee shop and snacks – but I’ve been so distracted with my own shit, I haven’t put much effort into changing anything.
So I will.
I’ve been running away from starting over. Repeating the same old patterns in a new environment. Getting angry, when I should be sad; temporarily kind of happy, when I should be overjoyed. Frustration and impotence have helped me to trap myself in a hold pattern that I need to break.
So I will.
