Where I Become THAT Single Parent
Posted on July 13, 2008
Filed Under losin' it |
I’ve always said I never want to shittalk JDawg to Isobel. And I don’t. Her visits with him, it’s all about “have fun with Daddy!”
I will occassionally let out some stuff about the situation or choices he is or has made while she is in the near vacinity and I figure I can get away with that for a little bit longer - not much, but a bit - until she puts together that his name=him. And once she does get it, I will no longer do any talking about him outside of the perfuntorily announced visit times or the positive. Where she can hear it.
But I reserve the right to shittalk him, to some (fair) extent on this blog.
So here’s the deal:
We split up again and I didn’t let him see her until after our first court appearance - almost three weeks. Then, he had her for a bit of park time on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and from 3 to bedtime on the weekends. This past week, we changed it based on his request for more “me time” and Isobel’s lack of routine. So he got to visit with her from 10 to 3 yesterday and today.
All in all, she comes home from the visits happy enough. She’s not really upset when he leaves and she’s happy to see me and relax. But issues exist from my perspective, which I want to share with you in the hopes that you’ll give me your opinion on what I should do (if anything) about today’s visit.
- Out of all of the visits they’ve had in the past five weeks, she’s come home without a soaked diaper twice. I give him diapers and wipes. She often says when she wants to change her bum and will announce when she is/has to poop. It doesn’t seem like a huge issue to me to change her, and given her proclivity for diaper rashes, it’s kind of a necessity.
- She’s never come home clean. She’s usually covered in dirt, has been eating it, her clothes are filthy and her shoes are wet.
- She’s usually unfed. Apparently, she will not eat. Except for all of the times he fed her McDonalds - then she would eat. I pack a kid’s backpack for her, filled with snacks and drinks every visit, and especially since I was told that it was unfair for him to have to spend money to feed her when he’s already paying so much in support. Kinda makes sense, regardless of how exasperating it is.
- She usually has come home with skinned knees and elbows and once had a wood chip stuck in the bottom of her foot. Kids fall, sure. But you know, cleaning the gravel and dirt out of her knee after it’s already been in there for two hours? A little frustrating.
- There’s some stuff that I don’t think is safe enough that he’s told me they do. Like him letting her go down a 10 foot high slide by herself while he waits at the bottom for her. She tends to walk off the edges of shit, so that’s something I wouldn’t chance, personally, and he told me once that she decided to jump off the side of it around the seven foot point - but he caught her, so I should stop worrying.
- After we appeared at court again, we took the elevator together. I had Isobel’s stroller and he was carrying her. Then he put her down and stopped paying attention and I was trapped in the corner by the stroller as I saw him not noticing that she was about to get her hand stuck in the door of the elevator. I said, “watch out!” but he wasn’t close enough apparently (she was three inches in front of him) and when the door opened to our floor, her hand and wrist went with it. I had to throw the stroller out of the way and grab her arm and pull it out while she screamed and people outside of the elevator stared at us in horror. As he gasped and talked about watching it in slow motion.
Then there was today, when he brought her back and said she had a burn. A sunburn, I figured. “What kind of burn, from what?” I asked.
“A cigarette, ” he shared. And went on to explain that he had tossed it on the ground and she’d jumped down from something (a bench, I’m guessing) and picked it up. “I burned my hand, too, getting her to drop it, if that makes you happier,” was how he ended the story. I asked where they were and how it had happened, trying to figure out if he was really that much of a moron that he wouldn’t put out a cigarette fully in a place where children play.
He yelled at me that it was an accident (which could have been a lack of accountability, or guilt and embarassment). And I gave him the look of death and told him that he was not going to yell at me about this. I asked him why he hadn’t cleaned it. He didn’t have the means, he said.
And hadn’t iced it either since he was no where near any ice. I asked again where they were and he told me. I pointed out that he could have gone to any of the surrounding by restaurants, concession stands and the ever-present Starbuckses. And he excused himself about it by saying that he didn’t want her to be late getting home.
So now, my baby’s finger is swollen and she won’t let me touch it. This is what it looked like when I took a picture earlier in the afternoon. See that poor little middle finger?
Now I know that I will automatically be looking for things he’s doing wrong. I know I will see a lack of parenting (but really, isn’t there one?) and consistency and safety. And sure, it could have happened with me, I suppose.
Except that I would never throw a smoke on the ground beside my daughter, especially without putting it out. And even if I left a lit smoke on the ground beside where my daughter could jump down and grab it, I would have stopped her from picking it up within the three seconds it would have taken her to do it, even if it meant knocking her on her ass in the other direction.
I have these fears that she will not be safe or taken care of while she’s with him. This is the major reason why she has never had an overnight visit with him. I used to think it was all owing to alcohol and weed, which is why we put the sobriety for 12 hours restriction on his visits.
But now I’m thinking that he’s just negligent.
And he wants overnight visits. Or did two weeks ago, anyways. And I’m still having a bit of a heart attack over that concept.
So, this is where I open the comments to you and ask what you would suggest I do, knowing that any action I take will be non-reversable in JDawg’s eyes.
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30 Responses to “Where I Become THAT Single Parent”
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I wish I had advice or words for you about this. Her poor little burn make me so sad.
Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..How Did I Get Here?
Write it down.
Keep taking photographs.
Tell your lawyer.
Keep a record and SPEAK UP.
Love on her as much as you normally do plus three. She already knows what a kick ass mom you are.
Sarah’s last blog post..Rock Lobster
Oh shiznit. I’m the WORST person to give advice, I think. I don’t know how the whole “law” thing goes (here or there), but if it were me, well…let’s just say he’d feel my wrath from miles away.
So, keep that in mind. lol.
I think it’s ridiculous that her diapers are soaked and she’s always hungry when she gets home (and dirty)…but ya know…that COULD be a doofy boy thing. I’m not making excuses for him. But, every once in a while…I could see it. Now, seeing as how you say it happens like every time (right?), I think I’d talk to him about it. Something to the effect of “Look, just like you have to fill a car up with gas and change blown tires…your DAUGHTER does need to eat. Frequently. She also needs her diaper changed. Even IF she didn’t TELL you, change it anyways about every couple of hours unless she TELLS you she pottied. Then, change it again. Even if you JUST put a fresh one on. Walking around with a soggy diaper on is NOT comfy. Next, if she falls, clean her up. It’s what parenting is. If you can’t handle that, just let me know.”
That’s what I’d say. I think. Insinuating that if he can’t be a daddy, then well, guess what. Maybe he needs supervised visits. Or…something.
And, the cigarette thing? That’s ridiculous. But, then again…I kind of scan everything everywhere we go and situations play out in my head before we even get to anything, so I choose what I do carefully (and what’s around her). Hubs? Not so much. IF he smoked, I could totally see that happening…except he’d have found some ice I think…at least a cold drink. Or called me.
That’s a really tough one…and I’m really mean when it comes to this kind of stuff…I wish I was more helpful!
Love ya darling!!
Ashley’s last blog post..In awe.
oh boy do i know how hard it is to keep quiet about the father around the kidlet… its SO tempting to vent!
honestly- it sounds to me like the dude needs parenting classes at the very least!!!
angel’s last blog post..Another One About Me… ‘Coz I Never Talk About Myself Dontchaknow…
Okay:
Keep records. Every time she comes home wet, document it (I have no doubt you already are.) Talk to your lawyer about that.
She IS a super picky eater. I’d at least give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. Unfortunately, you don’t really get to dicate what she eats when she’s not with you. This may be a battle not worth picking.
The skinned knees? Back to documenting it. It sucks that he’s not taking care of it, but at least he’s playing with her, you know?
Dads play differently. Period. The Donor plays games with the kids I never would. Just like the food, you can’t dictate that. That one, you have to let go.
The elevator? He’s an idiot.
The burn? You have to report that, too, I think. But you have to be ready for them to take his custody away over it. That is major enough, but combined with the diapers and the dirtiness, he’s just proven himself unfit.
It sucks, and I’m sorry, and it’ll all work out.
Mr Lady’s last blog post..An Open Letter to Mr Lady from Whatever the Hell It Is That Has Staged a Coup in Her Urinary Tract
Holy crap! WTF is he doing?! Negligent–yes, at the very least! I’m not at all familiar with the law in Canada, but I’m thinking you might want to look into what can be done about possibly letting him have supervised visits. There is no excuse for Isobel to be returned home dirty, hungry or injured all the time! No matter what else you may do, document EVERY single thing that happens, with as much info as you can. Write it all in a notebook, but keep those details in writing! Hugs to you and Isobel!
Stacey @Real World Mom’s last blog post..Real World Mom is a College Girl
Ummm… start documenting everything. Sounds like he is doing everything in slow motion, like Britney Spears.
Write it down in detail. Just like this. Poor Isobel.
ohmommy’s last blog post..Their conspiracy to keep me from going to BlogHer…
“…since I was told that it was unfair for him to have to spend money to feed her when he’s already paying so much in support. Kinda makes sense, regardless of how exasperating it is.”
No the hell it doesn’t. It’s FOOD. It’s not like you’re saying that he needs to buy her a new wardrobe or something.
I’ve already told you what I think in the Plurks. Just be careful. Do exactly what you need to, not what you want to. It’s the only choice you have, to prevent bullshit in the future.
<3 I hope her finger feels better!
Maria’s last blog post..Catechization: Pre-K Vocabulary
Oh, hon, it’s sucks to have to become “that single parent”. I’m right there with you. My ex now has the kids on weekends & I’m learning that there is no structure, he’s not making our 7 year old bathe or brush his teeth, they can watch pretty much whatever they want (so happy to hear that my 14 yr old started to watch “Old School” unrated version & shut it off when she realized it wasn’t appropriate for her or her 10 & 7 yr old siblings). My girls told me that they need soap, shampoo, etc because there isn’t any in the bathroom they use.
Document everything. Period. I know daddy’s do things differently but some things are (or should be) a no-brainer for any caring parent.
Single parenting sucks at times, but it’s better than raising the kids with mom & dad in a crummy relationship in the home.
celticbuffy’s last blog post..If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Mother
I kept a journal of all the shitty things I had to say about my ex - this kept me from saying inappropriate things in front of the kids. It worked! Now, 35 years after our divorce, I’m thinking about writing a book from my journal entries.
Rightmyer Rants’s last blog post..Manic Monday
Gah! If it helps at all, it seems my son’s father gets more parent like the older he gets (*knocking on wood here*).
I think you have every right to be angry. He needs to be more on top of it with your daughter. Mr. Lady pretty much said it all. I do not think he should be given a free pass because he doesn’t know any better. You have a young child, he needs to take care of her properly.
When my son goes to his fathers he watches spongebob squarepants while his dad sleeps, eats nothing but crap, and never brushes his teeth. I’m pretty sure THAT kind of thing is normal, what is happening with your daughter is not. Good luck, I hope he gets his act together.
Natalie’s last blog post..Moisture. And Cupcakes!
That burn broke my heart!
I agree with everyone else, document, document, document.
I wish I had more for you.
Alison’s last blog post..What’s Good for the Goose
Poor little Isobel.. that is just shitty. And I hate to now sound like a copy cat, but document. Document each incident, triple copy it if you have to (just in case he finds one set-ya never know).
And then kick him in the nuts for burning your freaking baby.
Kim’s last blog post..Weekly Winners July 7-13 2008
KEEP RECORDS - dates, times, pictures, etc.
I’m sorry.
A Whole Lot of Nothing’s last blog post..Stank?
Hmmm, should I say it too?
D-O-C-U-M-E-N-T I-T.
Poor baby. sniff sniff.
How’s her hand today?
This is a tough situation, but I think you know in your heart what needs to be done. Your obligations are not to him, they are to Isobel. If you do not feel that she is perfectly safe when with him, it is your job to do whatever needs to be done to make sure that she is safe. You don’t want to look back after something horrific happens (like a cigarette burn isn’t horrific enough) and think, “if only I had…” Do you want to live with that kind of guilt the rest of your life? I think not.
I’m with everyone else on this matter: document, document, document. Take photos, keep records. Record in hard copy (like a journal or notebook dedicated to the task) so that you have something physical the lawyers (or anyone else who needs to) can see. Also keep records in another place (like your computer or something) so that nothing can get lost or stolen. (I hate to be the pessimist here, but if he found out about a hard copy journal, he might try to take it or destroy it.)
Document EVERYTHING. With each visit: what time he picked her up, what you provided for her, what his plan was for that day (if he shared it), what she wore, her reaction to leaving with him, etc. When he returns her home, document the time he brought her home, his condition at the time (ie. mood, because that is important to0), her reaction to being home, her condition when they arrive (ie. wet, dirty, etc.), what she says they did while they were out, etc.
Share what has happened thus far with your lawyer, and see what they recommend. They are here to provide you with advice and guidance. They know the law, and what will be required of you if you need to have intervention in his visits. Perhaps he needs some parenting classes? Maybe supervised visits until he better understands what’s required of a parent. I definitely would not be allowing overnight visits until you feel 100% that she will be safe.
((hugs)) This is hard. You can do it.
Latte Mommy’s last blog post..From the Mouths of Babes
I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. Is he some kind of idiot? My God… he acts like its so inconvenient to be with his daughter and then when he is, this happens… I’m sorry. Her little finger broke my heart.
Miss’s last blog post..Things that need to be said
I think some of the stuff you mentioned is purely a male thing. Diapers probably rank low on most guy-radar.
BUT—the cigarette and safety things are inexcusable. Yes, my hubby is a little more relaxed with our kids than I am, but not with things that can BURN.
I would be VERY nervous about letting him have her for an overnight at this stage, until he proves that he can be more safety-conscious.
I hope her little hand heals quickly!
houndrat’s last blog post..Meme Minded (or, I just made a huge ass of myself in the Blogosphere)
Aww poor little chicken.
Hrmm, I do agree, start making documentation of EVERY incident where her care has been neglected. Like the excessively wet or dirty diapers, or the woods. But bare in mind that guys do parent differently. And youre a REALLY good and attentive mom, so hes obviously not going to do it the same way you do. Dirt? Doesnt bother Dads. Wet diapers? Dont bug em either. Scraped knees? Kids gotta learn, in their eyes.
So I say try to relax a little and let the little things go.
If you can?
Im sorry. It WILL get better !!
coral’s last blog post..I cant get no satisfaction.
err, i meant -wounds- not woods.
coral’s last blog post..I cant get no satisfaction.
Just like everybody else said. Document.
I also agree with Maria. It does NOT make sense that he can’t pay for food for his own DAUGHTER. I mean wtf?!?!
This makes me want to cry and punch him repeatedly all at the same time for you.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
Mrs. Kitty’s last blog post..Get some friends….
I don’t see how anyone could be comfortable with a person like that spending alone time with their child. As other people have said, document it, and tell your lawyer. Your daughter’s well being is more important than his feelings.
Poor little burned hand!
Jenn’s last blog post..Wall-E Wanted
Your wonderful friends have said it all, you will handle this the right way as you have done everything else so far!
Oh man - that really sucks. I don’t really have anything new to add but I have to agree with everyone else who says document everything and love her like crazy.
And also? You are a good mommy.
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..Of plane crashes and anniversaries
So much awesome advice. No way to really add. I’ll just reiterate . . . Isobel comes first. Period. Do right by her and you can NEVER, EVER be wrong.
LaskiGal’s last blog post..PhotoStory Friday: What lies ahead
Oh poor Isobel!!!Breaks my heart. You’ve had some great advice here.
Men in general are just not a vigilant as moms; but he’s being so stupidly irresponsible, there’s no excuse for it. Hopefully he’ll grow up if he ever makes her his absolute number one priority.
In the meantime, I agree with the others, talk to your lawyer and avoid longer visits/overnights as long as this type of behaviour continues.
I’ve seen some nasty splits, but the kids have always been older. Isobel is particularly vulnerable because she is just a baby.
You know it in your gut. You’re an awesome mom. Be strong.
Karen MEG’s last blog post..Happy Birthday to the Mui*
Sarah and Mr Lady are right. Write everything down. Take photos. Talk to a lawyer. He may very well lose visitation rights. But that’s better than the other possibility: she comes home with a broken ankle, or worse. She’s your first priority, I know that from your writing. You’re a great mom. Protect her, ok?
K8spade’s last blog post..Dear Asshole Who Drives With the Gas and Brake Simultaneously,
Definitely keep some sort of record of her visits… the photos are good too. Don’t worry about his feelings, this is about her, not him.
Sounds like he just LACKS COMMON SENSE!
Nicki’s last blog post..I’ve Got Nothin!
I would try to keep him as far from her as possible.
Even if he’s “just negligent”, negligence is a full-on form of child abuse.