Rethinking Unthinking
Posted on July 2, 2008
Filed Under avoidance behaviour, confessions of a confessaholic, living in the past |
As part of the court-mandate, I had to attend a seminar this evening about parenting after separation. It covered the fun stuff like access, custody, guardianship, support payments, how to communicate around and with children, etc. And it also covered the actual emotional issues parents face when separating - not just the courtroom drama or he said/she saids, but the actual meat and bones of the loss of the relationship.
Listening to the speaker engage us about the stages of grief over a relationship ending…it was eye opening. Not because I wasn’t familiar with the stages - I have read mucho the self-help books and have half a psych degree, after all - but cuz it really didn’t much occur to me that JDawg might not be feeling the same thing as me.
Relief.
It made some of his behaviour and outbursts and drunken admissions of the last year make more sense. Cuz obviously, in hind sight, he was a guy who was not just sad that he wasn’t living with his kiddo. He was probably sad that we weren’t together anymore, too.
And of course, he had said that at points in the last year, in random ways that I didn’t hear properly or acknowledge as much more than petty depressive babble, “well, you know, we did break up, after a six year relationship.”
Why didn’t I hear that as anything more important or sincere?
So tonight, without any undue guilt, I am thinking the following:
JDawg,
I’m sorry that I was so wrapped up in my day-to-day life that I didn’t see that yours had changed. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize that us separating for you, wasn’t 100% better. I’m sorry that I never let you mourn it and that I made it so obvious that I wasn’t.
Mostly, I’m sorry that I forgot that you don’t have the ability to shut off things that hurt without a bottle or a rollie. Like I do.
Maybe things would have gone better this last time if I hadn’t written you off immediately last July, and had actually given feelings a chance to remanifest, instead of staying cool and aloof and uninvolved.
Or maybe…Well, there’s a lot of maybes. Maybe I’ll end up saying this to you, even if it costs me something to do so.
Me.
Probably just as moody:
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16 Responses to “Rethinking Unthinking”
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Huckdoll’s last blog post..Disconnected to Connect
I am with Huck. Say it.
Kelley’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday on Thursday. With words…
ooo… i gotta go the other way on this one.
first off, men and women think so differently… and what might make you feel better to hear as a woman, will not translate the same way to a man.
and secondly, at the end of the day, his feelings are his to deal with, and he has to learn a constructive way to do that. you can’t help him with that, he needs to find it on his own.
stirring the pot for him emotionally doesn’t help to accomplish healing for him IMO.
i think it’s great that YOU realize those things about what he’s feeling… but i think that when you start creating a new emotional bond with him over past behavior, you open the door up to rekindle this relationship again.
all it takes is one emotional night when you say those things to him…
and i’d suggest that given the history, it’s best not to go there again.
especially right now when you’re just starting to reach a level of success with the separation.
maybe several years down the line when your youngster is grown… but right now i think your best course is to hang on to the strength you’ve built up so well.
but that’s just my opinion. obviously you know what’s best for yourself deep down.
vancityrockgirl’s last blog post..should his name still be “rock”?
Hard to say and even harder to say to him.
A Whole Lot of Nothing’s last blog post..Body Dysmorphic Disorder?
I don’t know why, but your letter just brought tears to my eyes…
Jill’s last blog post..The FURminator
Oh sweetie. Such a touching letter. If you feel you need to get it off your chest, do it. No regrets… *hugs*
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..A Peek Inside The Hemispheres…Cue The Violins
Saying it to him could bring so much to both of you… sounds like you need to say it as much as he might need to hear it.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Distorted Images
It is always hard to remember, when the other person is being an asshole and doing harmful and dangerous things, that he actually has feelings. I think he’ll like that letter if you give it to him…
Nicki’s last blog post..Happy (Almost) 4th of July!)
I think you should keep this to yourself, at least for now. Maybe in the future, when you are both in a better place, you can have this conversation.
*hug*
Miss’s last blog post..Cluster*bleep*
GMA absolutely, positively agrees with vancityrock girl. It would not be a wise thing to do, especially now that you are starting to get it together.
Please do not do this.
I wrote a letter once (ok, it was a sonnet) to someone I loved dearly, but the relationship just kept falling apart, over and over. It ends… “I think apologies now come to late to save us. Still, I sent you flowers on your birthday. Sorry, force of habit”
He is a habit. And apologies will not change anything. Live your life, be happy. Don’t go back.
K8spade’s last blog post..Settle Down There, Tonto
Internal knowledge is great, and I’m glad that those classes are helping.
My futile suggestion is to ONLY tell him if it doesn’t matter how he reacts. Badly, awesome, with annoyance, with a bottle…. no matter what he does. Basically if his emotions don’t suck you and your emotions into a tailspin, then and ONLY THEN should you tell him face to face.
Proud of you and your breakthrough. =)
Mrs. Kitty’s last blog post..Teen TV Addict Birth Control
Yeah, I dont know if telling him that NOW is such a great idea. I mean, I get that it get sit off your chest, and out in the open, but its not the right time.
Sometimes just writing the things you wish you had said are enough… and I agree with K8spade… hes a habit you need to fully curb now.
coral’s last blog post..Oy, Canada.
I don’t think you should tell him that now either. Not ever actually, but at least not now…
Maria’s last blog post..Suck it Up: Real Men Don’t Cry
The greatest thing about this is that You have acknowledged his feelings to yourself. You’ve been enlightened and that is a huge step for your progress.
Selfish though it may be all that matters is how you are doing, what you are doing for yourself at this time.
.Ophelia.’s last blog post..wait…they dont love you like I love you (seven deadly sins)
There are days when I want to call ThEx and tell him that I’m sorry for not being all that he wanted and for him having to take care of me for so long … but then I think about what that could “cost” me and I refuse to do it. I’m big on the write-a-letter-and-then-rip-it-up-and-throw-it-away therapy.
Sarah’s last blog post..Gesundheit