As part of the court-mandate, I had to attend a seminar this evening about parenting after separation. It covered the fun stuff like access, custody, guardianship, support payments, how to communicate around and with children, etc. And it also covered the actual emotional issues parents face when separating – not just the courtroom drama or he said/she saids, but the actual meat and bones of the loss of the relationship.
Listening to the speaker engage us about the stages of grief over a relationship ending…it was eye opening. Not because I wasn’t familiar with the stages – I have read mucho the self-help books and have half a psych degree, after all – but cuz it really didn’t much occur to me that JDawg might not be feeling the same thing as me.
Relief.
It made some of his behaviour and outbursts and drunken admissions of the last year make more sense. Cuz obviously, in hind sight, he was a guy who was not just sad that he wasn’t living with his kiddo. He was probably sad that we weren’t together anymore, too.
And of course, he had said that at points in the last year, in random ways that I didn’t hear properly or acknowledge as much more than petty depressive babble, “well, you know, we did break up, after a six year relationship.”
Why didn’t I hear that as anything more important or sincere?
So tonight, without any undue guilt, I am thinking the following:
JDawg,
I’m sorry that I was so wrapped up in my day-to-day life that I didn’t see that yours had changed. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize that us separating for you, wasn’t 100% better. I’m sorry that I never let you mourn it and that I made it so obvious that I wasn’t.
Mostly, I’m sorry that I forgot that you don’t have the ability to shut off things that hurt without a bottle or a rollie. Like I do.
Maybe things would have gone better this last time if I hadn’t written you off immediately last July, and had actually given feelings a chance to remanifest, instead of staying cool and aloof and uninvolved.
Or maybe…Well, there’s a lot of maybes. Maybe I’ll end up saying this to you, even if it costs me something to do so.
Me.
