I have this newish neighbour. She’s loud – she lives under me and I can hear every word of her conversations, every step she takes, every door she opens and closes. She’s especially loud when she’s getting some – now I know that she’s into a bit of S & M. And there’s never been the same guy there, twice in a two month period, but that’s not my place to judge. She smokes a lot of pot, which comes into my windows.
She’s a wonderful neighbour to have underneath an almost two-year old light sleeper.
Two weeks ago or so, Isobel was woken by a bunch of her and her friends being rowdy. I was in there, rocking and soothing for about 35 minutes straight when I called a time out for myself because my patience was wearing thin – and sometimes, Isobel needs to not have me there to get back to sleep. I was gone for four minutes during which I had a third of a smoke and her friend decided to poke his head out the window because of Isobel’s crying.
He yelled.
Ass: Hey, do you need a babysitter?
Me: Can you try to keep it down, please?
Ass: Is that your baby crying? And you’re smoking? What kind of a mother are you?
Me: She’s crying because she was woken up by your guys’ thumping on the floor. Keep it down.
Ass: Do you need someone to take care of her for you? I should call the cops. That’s not right – your baby’s crying and you’re smoking. Go take care of your baby. Fuck you.
Needless to say, as soon as I got Isobel back to sleep, I went down and made a formal complaint about the noise and his behaviour.
Tonight, Isobel woke up for a two minute period, after being asleep for an hour – after protesting bedtime for two and a half hours and not taking a nap. In those two minutes, besides saying, “Oh, fuck,” I was going to give her time to go back to sleep on her own, which is when I decided to smoke. Which is when the neighbour popped her head out the window.
Wannabe Bad-Ass Neighbour (WBAN): Hey, your kid’s crying again. Do you think you could do something about that?
Me: Sure, I will. I’m just letting her try to go back to sleep herself, first.
WBAN: Well, you’re her mother, isn’t it your job to make her sleep?
Me: (laughs loudly and heartily) Oh, honey. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
WBAN: Well, maybe I have more of an idea than you do. Obviously.
Me: Kay, dude. You get to give me tips on how to be a mother when I can give you tips on being a whore, okay?
WBAN: (to friends inside her apartment) OMG, that skinny chick upstairs is so touchy. And her kid is so fucking annoying. That’s why I’ll never have any.
Me:(loudly, out the window) And the world thanks you for that.
See? I’m nice and reserved and Isobel absolutely did not get her attitude from me, at all.
