I was prepared to write a panic-driven, emotionally manic post. Because today, JDawg and I talked about ‘what we want’ in relation to visitation and custody and money. And he basically said he was going for the exact opposite of what I did.
And part of that was joint custody and guardianship and (at the beginning of the conversation) no spousal support. Meaning I would have to, if he was awarded that, go back to work full-time and put Isobel in daycare. I would likely get to see her an hour or two for five of the days of the week.
The thought of working – when I don’t know mentally, if I can handle that – and earning money to be away from my child…it makes me nauseas. Isobel is a great kid. She’s receptive, social, flexible (sometimes), resilient. But she also will kick if you try to change her diaper when she’s not ready. She’ll punch you in the face if you take something from her. She’ll scream and spit at you for simply giving her a choice between two things, when she wants a third. She will not sleep if she doesn’t want to; she will make you pay for it.
These things may seem like complaints. But they’re not – they’re observances of my daughter who like me, like her dad, seem perfectly normal and wonderful to the outside world. She’s on her best behaviour 99% of the time. That other percent brings to mind medical concerns of ADD and early-diagnosis of Bipolar. When she’s in her element, she’s totally lumpable – add her into a crowd. When she’s off her game, things are broken, 40 minute (plus) tantrums ensue, bruises are bestowed upon caregivers.
I was that child. I am still that child, sometimes. Her dad is still that child sometimes. We’ve given her the extremism gene and she’s mutated it to a new level. It might sound like the terrible twos, but there’s a slight difference.
A two year old will FTFO in the store cuz they can’t have what they asked for. They’ll drop and kick and maybe shriek and throw out a slap. She does that, too. Isobel then remembers that thing at that store and will bring it home in her little mind and ask for it three hours later, “go, walk?” at the door. And when I say that we’re not going for a walk and she cannot go get the thing (and sometimes, I’ll lie and say later or tomorrow, thinking it might slightly appease her), she will take the broom next to the door and run at me with it. When I take the broom from her, she will take a mug from my desk and throw it across the room. When I admonish her for throwing it because it’s dangerous, she will occassionally run at me with her hands outstretched and her teeth bared.
I have to catch her and try to soothe her while protecting myself from her fists, feet and head-butts. She will struggle to get out of my arms, even if it means turning herself upside-down and leaping to the floor, head first. If she gets free, she will turn over chairs, rip any paper she can get ahold of, throw everything on the ground that she can reach and then come back to me. For me to comfort her while she screeches herself into nearly hyperventilation-mode and pushes away from me. Sometimes, it’s round two of head, fist and feet weilding.
And that will go on for another half hour.
It’s not punishable – short of spanking or slapping hands, I’ve tried every form of time-out/bedtime threat. It’s not zenable – she knows what it means to slow down and breathe; she can’t. It’s not anything more than what it is – something we both have to deal with; her with her own form of mood control, me with a mouth guard and a lot more patience than I ever thought I’d have.
This? Happens a few times a week. Is not just the terrible twos. Has caused concerns in her pediatrician, mother and father. This is something I have accepted because I figure that the rest of her would be different, too, if this was.
But, this? Is not something I can see flying at a daycare. This is not something I can see her father dealing well with if he ends up with joint custody.
But then, I really should laugh. Because he brought her home today from their outing and you know what he said? “You’ve really got to work on the hitting with her, it’s getting out of hand.”
