I am so rung through today. It was an emotionally exhausting one, as I’m sure y’all can picture, and on top of it, I woke up earlier than early, hacking. Cold sweats and a sexy voice have come to roost in me.
Everything and nothing got decided today. It’s a good thing, what has happened, partial support and reinstatement of visitation with specific rules, but at the same time, it’s all based on good faith and no written agreements or legal orders and right now, I’m not full of a lot of good faith. We have to go back in three weeks to say, yes, this works or no, this person didn’t do that and we have to attend a couple of counselling sessions and I don’t know. I feel like this is moving too slowly.
From a legal perspective, coming up with any agreement in under two weeks is pretty momentous, but from mine? It’s all just the same stuff, said by different people. I’m looking too much into the past, possibly, and seeing it not working out as promised.
The optimist is sleeping tonight, it seems.
But this has me pondering cycles and how to stop them. I’ve been really good at repeating them, to this point, and the main intention with the initiation of all of this stuff was to say, “enough. We’re not going to let our issues be the deciding factor of whether our daughter can sleep at night.”
And the decisions that were made today, the agreements – they’re the exact same ones as we agreed upon last August. So if cycles should repeat themselves, it will be up to me to end them. And I’m so bad at saying no to him, it will reach the point where I’ve not said it enough (or ever, really) and then I scream it.
So that onus is upon me. Today, I looked pretty and fresh-faced and doe-eyed and I felt like the ugliest gold digger in the world. That can’t happen. I can’t let myself feel like a leper because I’m doing the right thing, regardless of who it might upset or enrage.
We can’t have a depressed mommy, can we?
My task at hand? To re-read my favourite book. it’s a quick read – faster than book time with Isobel, sometimes. And it’s full of flippant, good-natured advice on embracing the inner bitch, goddess and riot girl in all of us.
So, to help y’all out, too, cuz I know some of you have ugly or fat or sweat-pants-designated days, I’m going to have a contest. Read on:
Win this book by…
Commenting, telling me what you’d tell your best girlfriend to do if she was having “one of those days” – cuz I know we all give great advice to other people, and rarely take our own. You’ve got until 11:59pm, PST on Friday to do so.
The best five answers (at midnight on Saturday morning) will go on to an anonymous vote this whole weekend. The winner will be announced on Monday, July 16th – the day after we’re all supposed to tell the dads in our lives that they rock. After all of the lying about that waiting on hand and knees purchasing shiny or electrical or powerized things, wouldn’t you like to reward yourself?
Make sure the email address you’re commenting with is legit, cuz I’ll be emailing the winner, who has gotta be willing to give up the address (and a real name) for where it’s going. Heck, you can give the address and name of your mother in law, if you want, just as long as it’s going to a real person.
I’m so ready for your wisdom. Fire, when ready.
