I’ve done: Lust, Vanity and Pride, and Wrath. Left over? I’m going to have to check Wikipedia for that one – being the former four year old who got kicked out of Sunday School. And the one who is too interested in the gruesomeness of the deaths during Seven to pay attention to what they represented – all of the 73 times that I’ve seen it.
Okay, so. Gluttony, Greed, Sloth and Envy are left. And hey, I just learned that – duh – Vanity and Pride are the same damned thing. Where were ya all on that one? When I did those two, that are actually one, I thought I was playing catch up. So I guess I will tonight.
I mean, it’s already after 1am, Isobel was up for a few hours after bedtime with a (still going hardcore) fever and I’ve only made it through half of my first drink since May 14th (and the one before it was March 11th). I don’t know why I’m sharing this other than to highlight that my hemoglobin level of 93 might have made this half drink over a period of 3.5 hours have a stronger effect. I’m buzzed and so, if this post is more disjointed than usual, you now know why.
Let’s get over my pathetic light weightishness right away, kay?
So…I’ll keep it in the same family – Gluttony and Greed.
First of all, it would seem that Gluttony, to those who know me well, is a complete write off. I mean. You don’t hover between 80 and 110 pounds for most of the last 15 years via pigging out, right? Wrong, sort of. I would choose on most days to not eat versus to eat a normal sized amount – if I didn’t have a sponge of a girl toddler watching my every move, having her interpretation of normal taken from my plate. A normal sized amount is what the food guides say I should be eating, it’s what I see other people eating, it’s double what my daughter eats (for now). And it makes me feel like I’ve just inhaled a flat of crispy cremes, every time.
Gluttony is a dirty, disgusting feeling to someone with anorexia. It’s a measure of failure. It’s, ugh, the feeling that in an instant, you’ve labeled yourself as weak and stupid, selfish and sometimes even, inhuman. Gluttony is the opposite of everything an anorexic strives for. But sometimes…
We fall or we have to cover up our habits or we just need to eat a little bit to take the buzz out of our ears. And we go overboard because, did you know? Food tastes really fucking awesome, sometimes. And not having it often, you obsess about it and what it might taste like or feel like or how it will sleep in your belly. And then the shame sets in and maybe some sort of purging and well, we all watched the same afterschool specials.
My point is simply that in the usual sense, Gluttony and I are polar opposites. Except for in one case.
When I’m manic, I will drink. I don’t get drunk often and I think only twice ever when Isobel’s been solely my responsibility (is that a good or bad number? Twice in almost two years), but I will drink everyday just for the pure knowledge of knowing I’m doing something that gives me a (mini, but manageable and satisfying) high.
Being manic is about feeling the big stuff, until you get into psychotic territory (a place I’ve not experienced since 2004 and owe largely to blow and insomnia). You shop large and hard, want to jump on a plane, screw your brains out, snort anything near your nose, smoke a pack an hour, drink a bottle in the same time. You crave being a maniac, to put it simply.
But I’ve learned to feed the maniac ‘leetel teensy bites’. And then she stays at bay, content enough. So I drink every night when I’m manic. Maybe only one highball or two, maybe four. My tolerance is much higher, so I know only that I rarely end up drunk, but can’t tell you what it would take.
Greed.
Lately, of course depending on who you talk to, Greed isn’t a big issue for me. I want enough to pay our bills, keep us fed and clothed and housed and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less.
In actuality, I can’t remember ever being greedy – I used to get in trouble for giving away toys when I was a little kid – but I know that when I was younger, say 20, I wanted more. Money, coordinating linens and furniture, clothes, a coffee machine that would make me white mochas at home, the ‘03 black jetta, the rebuilt and furbished ‘67 cherry red mustang, a loft, a new bass, guitar and a baby grand.
I wanted lots of wonderfully shiny, modern things because they would prove that I wasn’t directly affected by my childhood of food banks, welfare, the Salvation Army and low income housing.
What’s changed? One, I watched my dad die, the definition of collector, leaving a three bedroom, two floor rented space full of stuff. And it took me a month to weed through it all to find a baby book and birthday cards and his acoustic guitar that I learned to play on. And I would never want to leave my child with that feeling of responsibility. Guilt really, at not treasuring all of that other crap that she didn’t take with her.
The second thing is this feeling that if I own less, I will have that lighter, controlled, clean feeling that is so closely associated with anorexia. Really, minimalism is like eating disorder porn – I get off on the feeling that the less I have, the more I will feel. I will have space to feel, I will be uncluttered and everything will be easily managed. It might not make a lot of sense to some, but I think others will think, “yes, exactly.”
So right now, I’m at a crossroads where I have the excuse to rid myself of everything, almost. To keep only what I need, and to want for nothing because I have the chance to appreciate what I do have. That, to me, is the direct opposite of Greed.
Then again, maybe it’s Greed’s snobby sister, hedonism.
Indirect aside (yet, funnily, kind of related): How do you solve a problem like Maria? You help send her to BlogHer.
At last tally, Maria has received $163.73 in donations (of the approximate $600 she might need) to put towards her trip to speak at the event that we all wish we’d been asked to. Keep on giving, cuz this girl has got to go. No matter what else is going on, don’t let it knock you down from that goal – we will send her to BlogHer, right? So, let her feel some of your anti-greed and chuck some more Paypal monies her way. Click on her monkey (you know you wanna).
