Deadly Sins - Wrath
Posted on May 27, 2008
Filed Under confessions of a confessaholic |
wrath [noun]
1. intense anger (usually on an epic scale)
2. belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong (personified as one of the deadly sins)
I knew Wrath would come about when it was supposed to. Pride and Vanity fell right out of my fingers (mouth) and Lust, we’re well acquainted - but Wrath, oh Wrath.
We tend to pretend the other doesn’t exist because even thought we’ve been codependent several times, we hate the other’s being. Which is ironic, when you really think of the fact that I’ve hurt lots of people and most of those hurts have been intentional, as a reciprocation for them hurting me. I’m that one who gets wounded and attempts to stab back twice as deeply.
That’s not to say that I don’t always apologize in some way, at some time (sometimes even a mere 30 seconds later) - but you can only be sorry so many times before you’re just an dickhead, right?
I’ve been one with furor over the years. Violence is second nature - hell, it was beaten into me - but hasn’t actually raised it’s fist that often. A few times with JDawg and only once with the Rockstar ex did I see red and lash out. They didn’t see me coming - with the RSE, I didn’t see me coming - and it meant a deep seated shock and lack of trust for both of them. Understandable. I wouldn’t trust some chick who just loses her shit after warning me to shut the fuck up (or something similar) and then backhands me with her engagement ring when I don’t. I would always wonder how securely that shit got put back together afterwards.
But physical violence? Even though I understand it so much better, it’s never been my preference. Nope, I have always preferred to take the high road and potentially drive someone to such self-loathing, they considered themself a waste of space in the universe. Yes. I. Am. That. Cruel.
Anyways, currently Wrath and I are not only giving each other the silent treatment, I’ve filed in Interim Restraining Order against it. I want Wrath nowhere near me. I want Wrath to be so non-relative to my life and choices that I’m repeating self-made mantras, “I will not feel guilty, this is the right thing, I am taking our lives in our hands.”
The meaning got lost in translation, there.
The point is that for every hour awake since Friday morning, I’ve had to check myself. I’ve had to ask, “what am I doing and why? Is it to get even? And what for, my wounded pride? Bank account? Lack of empty wine bottles cluttering my apartment?”
I’ve had to rethink and reassess and ask five other people their opinions because I know that they will tell me the truth about what I am thinking. Yes, that sounds weird, but I do know quite a few people very intimately - I feel as though when I’m pondering something and say it out loud, they can guess my next thought process because they’ve known me for so long/so well.
Worse is the thought that I could make a move and it’s vengeance-induced and someone would pat me on the back, assuming that I am merely continuing forward with trying to give Isobel the right thing. Life. Self-esteem. Childhood. Relationships with other people. Memories. Home. Stability. Love. Gratification. Honour. Respect. Humility. Generousity. Perspective. Innocence. Intimacy. Trust. Value.
And then sometimes, I don’t have to check myself because I read a list of all of the things I want for her out of this situation and the action I’m causing and don’t see once the following words: money, pride, prejudice, anger, regret, retribution, detachment, hopelessness.
So, though today was a harder day than yesterday, and tomorrow might even be harder (a cold is rearing it’s ugly head) and all of the days ahead of that might even be harder still - I might never again feel as positive as I did two days ago and I might spend the next however long it takes to find predictability to life again thinking, ‘what if?’ - I know I’m not full of Wrath.
Cuz if I was? That asshat would be crying right now and so would his mother.*
* hey, I never said I was over it or the things they said or did. In fact, if I was that mature, I’d likely never have anything to write about on ye olde blogge.
Probably just as moody:
- Deadly Sins - Pride and Vanity I promised to play catch up since writing my last Seven Deadly Sins post, so here I sit. Truth be...
- Still Missing a Few Sins I’ve done: Lust, Vanity and Pride, and Wrath. Left over? I’m going to have to check Wikipedia for that one...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Comments
11 Responses to “Deadly Sins - Wrath”
Leave a Reply
-
Get Closer
-
Flight
-
Drinks
“I’m that one who gets wounded and attempts to stab back twice as deeply.”
Word.
“That’s not to say that I don’t always apologize in some way, at some time.”
Word.
“I have always preferred to take the high road and potentially drive someone to such self-loathing, they considered themself a waste of space in the universe.”
Word.
Sorry for the lame copy and paste comment…..
Lets never fight, kay? The outcome would be nothing short of shiteous.
I never say your lust post. Off to check it out.
Huckdoll’s last blog post..You’ve Got a Mission
If we ever got into it one of us would be dead. I can tell. I’m just like you.
Maria’s last blog post..You’ll like this…
your last bit about making the asshat’s mother cry is pure fucking gold. I love it. (wrath is my personal weakness)
Thanks for keeping on writing.
Adriane’s last blog post..I’m losing my Boobies
Try not to waste your time and energy on these emotions, MIL and her son are not worth it! You have “bigger fish to fry”!! (smile)……
Please never get angry with me.
ohmommy’s last blog post..Mommy is having a heart attack…
Wrath is something I have struggled with my whole life. No-one wants to feel my wrath. While I’m in it I feels better to me thanbeing vulnerable but the guilt after, it feels worse every time.
Eve Grey’s last blog post..New socks. Two socks. Whose socks? Sue’s socks.
I haven’t been blogging. I’m back. I caught up. I’m sitting here not sure how to say all the things in my heart. I think I’ll make it simple. You are brave. You make me proud to be a woman. Your daughter will thank you one day. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love and hugs!
conversemomma’s last blog post..What Would You Trade For Happiness?
Wrath and revenge is something I know too well. Since becoming a mom I’ve tried my best to put it aside. But the thoughts and emotions still remain.
Hope things only get easier tomorrow and the day after…
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..Summer Cut (Make-over)
as someone prone to give into wrath myself, i will say two things that have helped me to let go of some of my vengeance.
neither of these are new or particularly pithy. but i find them to be very true.
first - living well is the best revenge.
nothing will kill the people that have wronged you like the thought of you moving on and being happier than you’ve ever been when they were in your life.
second - the universe works itself out.
it’s not always up to you to make those hurt that have hurt you. call it karma, call it whatever you want. but somehow, at some point in time, people always get what’s coming to them. good or bad.
vancityrockgirl’s last blog post..minus one organ.
That asshat would be crying right now and so would his mother.
classic!
love your work… posts that make me think.
angel’s last blog post..I Can’t Bloody Beeleeeev It!!!
[...] you want to read more of my sin posts, go here for Lust, Vanity, Wrath, Gluttony and Greed, and [...]