First order of business.
What the hell is that? I mean, um, there’s a technically seven weeks old baby in there and I’m all looking four or five months along. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Here’s the naked tummy shot.
Now, I can acknowledge that I have eaten more, but (except for root beer), it’s been healthier. I’m thinking my plans of short shorts and tight tanks and a cute little belly are going out the effing window.
So let’s get down to brass tacks. Mr Lady talked me down, but I’m still feeling the sting of mortification moment 2008. This is how good I looked today:
No makeup, horrendous circles, pimples, pastey, unshowered (if you can guess the correct number of days, you’ll win a prize), hair in a ponytail with about 87 bobbypins in it, in need of an eyebrow wax and thank effing gawd i wasn’t wearing capris cuz I still haven’t shaved my legs (since my birthday party. In December. I’m blonde. Deal.)
And I was at the grocery store. Isobel looked something like well, a kid who’d just been given a cupcake and gone to town. Cuz that’s what she was – but also hasn’t bathed in a while. Let’s just say, she’s surface clean-ish, but good luck combing her mullet.
And we’re at the deli section. And I look up and. I. see.
The only ex of mine that I don’t regularly talk to. The forbidden ex. The beautiful, good, smart, accomplished boy that I corrupted with coworker sex. We dated for about a month in 2004, after JDawg and I broke up, the first time. It was hot because I knew I wasn’t anything he would have, but what he wanted. I was skinny, with choppy red hair and smokey eyes and a bit of a powder habit and I smoked cheap american marlboros and had still fairly new tits that were paraded around in kid’s teeshirts. I drank, I yelled, I french inhaled and I swallowed. He did none of these things. He was a student, going for his second degree, working nearly full-time, from a smaller town on the island and had a succession of good-girl exes who all got married after him. He was pretty awesome, for how short it was. Maybe that was the source of the awesome, knowing that sleep overs never lasted longer than that month, that I could go back to being the falling-apart me, instead of the I-rock-attitude me.
Except for that one time about two months after we split, when we hung out for a bit and uh. Yeah. I do that. And that was also awesome. Too awesome, in fact – it concerned me, so I lied to him and I cried a little and I went to leave and told him I loved him. Ahem.
Well, it worked. He didn’t want me anymore, did he?
So when I saw him today, I didn’t even think “oh fuck” before I waved. Cuz I’m friendly. And then, like, three minutes of uncomfortable deli line-up waiting time later, he comes over to chat and catch up and damn, it’s like no time has passed.
Except that I have a coming up on two year old in the stroller ahead of me and a -31 week old in my belly, I am not drunk, and I don’t think he wants to fuck me. How do I deal with that? And he asks if she’s my daughter and I. Held. Back. and didn’t retort something about kidnapping her and introduce them to each other and Isobel says hi and he’s kind impressed and he’s got this sweet “aw, your kid is cute” face on and we chat a bit about what he’s been up to and how I’m having another baby and he cracks about how they can be addictive (uhuh. On the ball there. Again, I held back. WTF is WRONG with me?!). And I explain the situation and he’s all, well, um, I hope you’re happy and I look at him like, “do you even know me?” and he’s all, “really. I do.”
And holy, by then his girlfriend came over and I tried to be all friendly and smiley and ask her if she works downtown, too and gripe together about rental prices and all she can do is nod and shake her head and give me the stink eye. And I’m in my own head going, “WTF? Do you know what you look like? Cuz I know what I look like and you have nothing to be anything with me about, other than PURE. GLOAT. that you were an upgrade.” And I ended up being so uncomfie with her lack of liking me – WHY do girls always dislike me? – that I said something awesome about having to buy some organic juice and told her it was nice to meet her.
Sigh.
But it does occur that maybe while they were waiting for their paninis to be made and I was waiting for my chow mein to be weighed and he was thinking about coming over to say hi, he let it slip how he knew me and exactly where I let him put his penis.
PS. the boy, is a blonder version of this boy. Does this song make your ears bleed?
