So here’s the deal.
During my first trimester with Isobel, I went through some wikkid depression. I’m talking nothing on post-partum, which also sucked balls. There were days when I literally though of taking a bus to downtown new west and throwing myself off the bridge to richmond. There were days when I didn’t get out of bed, even after my bed-rest was lifted. I slept 18 hours on some days, not out of tiredness, during that trimester.
And so today, I can see a bit of that cloud wafting by. Part of it’s the pregnancy, part of it’s the loneliness that comes with going to bed before your friends log onto msn, part of it is Isobel’s increasingly horrible attitude and how I’m just too tired to deal.
So I took a day off.
She was fed when she was hungry, was changed when wet, I was beside her at every moment and we went for walks, but for the most part, I ignored her. Let Blue’s Clues and Dora and Elmo keep her entertained when she was in the upright position. I read deliciously crappy VC Andrews books and ate when I wanted to. And just tried to not be so damn tired and pissed off when she was doing stuff she knows she’s not allowed to do.
And it totally helped me to calm down a bit. It didn’t seem quite so deliberate, the next time she tried to choke me with my own belt. But it didn’t help the whole mommy-guilt, four loads of laundry, not a clean sippy cup in the house situation. And there’s another problem, well, an underlying quirk about me:
If I don’t do something regularly, make it part of my daily routine, I will not keep doing it. This includes laundry, dishes, personal hygiene, going to sleep at a reasonable time, napping, peeing, blogging, reading and commenting, crocheting, taking out the garbage. My brain is such that if I am not supposed to do this very thing at this very moment, I won’t – I can always do it later. In fact, I’ll likely do nothing at all, or worse, do something that is a complete waste of time and that I will regret.
So once I closed the second book, I called vacation over. I gave Isobel a bath and put her down for a nap. Then it took a little while to motivate, but I did some dishes and finished some laundry and cooked myself some lunch and read my entire feed reader and now, you have this.
My return to daily blogging. Cuz, goddamn, I just can’t think of shit to say, if I’m not talking shit all the time.
