I did it. I finished the client’s work by 3pm this afternoon.
Now, at 12am, it’s honesty time. (I know, when isn’t it honesty time?)
I am totally not floating anymore. The past few months I’d been sailing by, coasting along, insert other cliche about being a lazy ass who only does what is absolutely needed, but I think the coasting is over. I’ve gotta admit it, I am sucking the big one, lately.
I haven’t done dishes since Saturday. Instead of doing them, we’ve been eating out.
I haven’t been sleeping more than a few hours a night, except for last night. Last night I slept about eight hours and woke up feeling great, until about 11am. When I started nodding, again.
Laundry? Yeah, I did that sometime last week, too. I think it was around the time when I showered last, which was…
Saturday. Yeah, I put it on the internet, for everyone to read and judge. I’m incidentally still wearing remains from my makeup on Saturday, too.
I’ve been feeling pretty crappy, mentally and otherwise. I’ve been feeling sick lately. Not a cold, but nauseas and dizzy.
In hindsight, this is my normal depressive time and in foresight, I’m getting to be too old, with too much on the line to continue to not manage my bipolar disorder. I was easily diagnosable, from my perspective, in early adolescence if not at a younger age. But I only started meds at 19, and have been on and off so many times, it’s basically been for nought.
The last time was pretty much when I found out I was pregnant and I was on the right drugs for once. I thought she, and all of her first trimester symptoms, were a side effect of the lithium-seroquel-effexor-clonazepam combo I was on. Yeah, it sounds like a heavy combo cuz it was.
So, barring something blocking the way, I’m thinking that come the 24th, I’ll be back on some meds. Obviously, I can’t and won’t go as heavy or sedating as I used to have. But maybe just some lithium would help me, like, get out of this damn chair and washing the dishes.
Just for this one, tiny moment, she was still and happy at the same time.
