I remember being about three months pregnant and visiting my dad in the palliative ward. It was nearing Christmas, I know, because I’d found out he was there after he called me a few days after my birthday. I’d thought he’d forgotten, but he’d been in an opiate coma after falling down. We were talking in a stairwell, where he’d go to smoke, about how I was doing. I’d just come off of bedrest – three weeks of suicidal thoughts, the worst loneliness I’d ever felt, 20 hours a day vomiting, passing out, arrhythmia. It was definitely pretty awesome and I described how I was doing as so.
He questioned me, if I should be going through with this. Not just if it was the best thing for me – I had gone off of my meds and was basically jumping head and feet first back into a relationship that hadn’t worked before – but if it was right. Right that I bring a baby up, being who I am, with the faults and weaknesses I constantly have to battle against. And also right that I bestow my geneology upon another person. Or worse, that I pass down my genetic predispositions at the same time as JDawgs. Talk about stabbing someone in the back…
It’s a bit of a joke around here that Isobel will slap one or both of us one day and ask, “What were you thinking?”
That being said, here’s a bit of an “Isobel’s fuct up family 101.” Out of eleven people – two parents, four grandparents, two uncles and three aunts (we won’t even get into great grandparents or great aunts and uncles, cuz that’s when it gets really dire):
- All deceased members died of some form of cancer, or had cancer within their lifetime.
- Of those living, at least three have had a serious scare.
- All have been diagnosed (or are diagnosable) with some form of clinical depression, except for two.
- Been diagnosed with a personality disorder such as bipolar, schizophrenia, ADD, OCD and/or are self-injurers? six.
- All have been addicted to drugs and or alcohol or have a serious history with one or both of them, except for one.
That’s the tip of the iceberg, as short as I could state it.
It might seem ironic, but we’re all pretty intelligent people. I’m not bragging, I’m stating a fact. Jdawg and I are scored 152 and 169, respectively, on the IQ tests in school. My father and his own were rumoured to be in the highest bracket, above 180. I don’t think it’ll be assuming too much to think that Isobel’s going to end up with some brains.
But she’s got a lot of roadblocks in her way, in regards to societal views of success. This is something that’s been coming up in the blogosphere lately. You might have read about Tara R’s concerns for her son’s education or Lunanik’s lingering worries about her daughter being diagnosed with Autism in the future. Mine? Bipolar Disorder.
Being that 80% of childhood bipolar disorder sufferers come from a family with mood disorders AND OR (OR? AS IF.) alcoholism on both sides of the family, I’m scared about the signs I’ve seen in Isobel for almost 19 months. Let’s look at a checklist, just for poops and giggles, kay?
(Keep in mind, me and two sisters, my mom and my dad have all been diagnosed at some point with a form of bipolar. I know exactly what this list means. Manic doesn’t mean ate too much chocolate sugar high, it means, well…
thinking eight things at once while doing two other and your foots always tapping and you don’t even have time to pause for a comma nevermind to breathe yet you do have time to oh i dunno do a line of coke or a whole eightball because really you’re all about the HIGH and it just gets you feeling a little bit normal so then youre a bit bummed but its kinda okay cuz you really would do anything to just rest cuz you think at some point your brain and heart will decide who won the race to exploding first.)
+ Separation Anxiety
+ Rages & Explosive Temper Tantrums (lasting up to several hours)
+ Marked Irritability
+ Oppositional Behavior
+ Frequent Mood Swings
+ Distractibility
+ Hyperactivity
+ Impulsivity
+ Restlessness/ Fidgetiness
+ Silliness, Goofiness, Giddiness
* Racing Thoughts
+ Aggressive Behavior
* Grandiosity
+ Carbohydrate Cravings
+ Risk-Taking Behaviors
* Depressed Mood
+ Lethargy
* Low Self-Esteem
+ Difficulty Getting Up in the Morning
* Social Anxiety
+ Oversensitivity to Emotional or Environmental Triggers
* Bed-Wetting (especially in boys)
+ Night Terrors
* Rapid or Pressured Speech
+ Obsessional Behavior
* Excessive Daydreaming
* Compulsive Behavior
* Motor & Vocal Tics
* Learning Disabilities
+ Poor Short-Term Memory
* Lack of Organization
* Fascination with Gore or Morbid Topics
* Hypersexuality
* Manipulative Behavior
* Bossiness
* Lying
* Suicidal Thoughts
+ Destruction of Property
* Paranoia
* Hallucinations & Delusions
* Migraine Headaches
* Bingeing
+ Self-Mutilating Behaviors
* Cruelty to Animals
So, I put those little pluses next to the things that we’re currently dealing with. She could just be going through the terribly horrible gasp-inducing twos, sure. But you know, most of this, has been since about day 8. Our family doctor actually suggested when she was 13 months that she was going through the terrible twos already and because of her violent rages, to start giving her time outs. At 13 months. To stop her from hurting me or herself.
You know, yesterday, she walked off a slide. Off the edge, on purpose. (Onto a mat, otherwise I wouldn’t have studied her doing it with an eyebrow raised.) I currently have two bite marks and five bruises on my legs. I’ve been smacked at least 12 times today, in the face, and the longest freak out of the day was thankfully at bedtime, so the fact that it went on for about 85 minutes didn’t bother me as much as it would have first thing in the morning.
Sure, I’m bitching, but do you get why I have this feeling that something’s not quite right, here?
So, I’m looking into dietary changes that could have a positive effect on (both of our) moods. Gluten free, vegan, increased B6 and zinc…these are all interesting reading subjects. It’s amazing that celiac’s disease or gluten sensitivity can often be mistaken for colic (we had that for four months! She did. Mine lasted longer, apparently, and moved pretty much right into the twos. Hmm. Like she did. In-ter-est-ing.), mood disorders, post partum psychosis and more! Looks like I’ve got some more books to add to my covet list.
PS. I’m holding out on the hypersexuality. I don’t know how much a 19 month old should masturbate. Do you? All I know is, she doesn’t understand the concept of privacy yet, she’s totally a devoted fan and she’s not very good at it.
