Been around here long? If so, you know I’ve got some…issues to deal with. New(ish)? Lemme lay it out: I’m quitting smoking, recovering from a 20 year eating disorder, a single mom, best friends with my ex (most of the time – enemies the rest), I work from home, I’m a lesser form of bipolar, and have ADD and OCD. Oh and my kid? Spirited Evil Just like me as a kid – except thinner. Yeah, I came by the eating disorder relatively honestly.
Moving on.
A few months ago, when I decided enough was enough, I started posting about my progress in recovery on the eating disorder website I used to write for.
I started off, recovering I mean, very nervously and convinced the world might implode and I would explode and be requiring home-made clothing soon. That I wouldn’t be able to do it and would quit very shortly, going back to my steady stream of eight cups of coffee and some Mr Noodles late at night. But no, I kicked ass – or so I thought.
The past couple of days have really brought logic back to my vision – just because I went from eating under 800 calories per day to over 2,500 doesn’t mean I’m making progress. I jumped into the holiday binging and I haven’t stopped – and it only recently began to budge the scale or change the way my clothes fit.
Which I felt good about for like, three days. Cuz really, finally moving into a size 0 does not make me fat, whatsoever. Unless, maybe I was 4′2″ and just starting kindergarten. But no, I’m over 5′6″ and it was over 23 years ago that I was suspended from kindergarten for having a bad attitude.
But then, the bloat kicked in and I still kept eating – binge eating. Every night after Isobel went to bed. Until I ran out of the food of the moment or just.couldn’t.take.one. (okay.five.) more.bites. I thought that I was allowing myself to do that meant I was doing everything right, more positively.
Tonight I see this: I’ve got to learn to find Switzerland. To not go from one pole to another. This is a lifelong challenge, sure, cuz of the old noggin chemistry issues, but I should be trying. And trying harder, everyday.
So there’s me, slightly more naked (mostly figuratively) and less glib than usual. Thus endeth the epiphany party.
* Just cuz I feel like this post is missing something a little light and more usual from me: off I go to finish watching the new Ryan Reynolds movie where he will be half clothed at times and I will consider the potential of marrying him. Or using him, for his mind.
