Today is my first single Valentines Day since I was 14. 13 years of having some boy to piss me off and not meet the bar, or want to set a bar I wasn’t interested in trying to meet.
Me, I’m not comfortable with romance. I’m an in and out, hanging out, punching shoulders and sipping beers while watching horror movies kind of girl. You’re lucky if I hug you or cuddle cuz really? I don’t like to be touched much. Not unless it’s in that way, anyways, or by a really very super special person to me. It takes a lot to be that person. Actually, with some, it takes very little – it’s an instinct.
I’m what some consider still attached to JDawg in this thing that we have. This friendship that can dissolve into hatred so quickly, only to become once again trust and secret-sharing. I’ve been emotionally pushing him away for the last two years or so, for reasons that could be considered appropriate and also, selfish. I’ve been protecting myself from the inevitable end of our romantic relationship and because I did this, I’m just fine about it. He is not always and occasionally it is his reason du jour to look for the bottom of a wine bottle. Sad, but shit happens.
But being that he is usually one of my best friends and I usually do feel some form of love for him, I’m a titch nostalgic today. Helps that I’ve not smoked since 1am last night and am thinking about anything that doesn’t involve tobacco. Let me exercise some random sweetness, in my own way.
Here’s what’s great about JDawg and Zoeyjane:
- no one has ever made my blood boil like him. boiling blood doesn’t always mean anger.
- we have really really really good sexual chemistry. even when it’s bad, it’s still very very good.
- we know each other inside and out.
- though he usually hates me calling bullshit on him and talking down to him, he knows it’s what i’ll do because ultimately, i just want him to be happy. and sometimes, he thanks me for it.
- he will tell me that i just need to relax a million times, see my eyes flash every single time and will continue saying it, because I Do Need To Relax.
- He thinks I’m the best cook, the best housewife, the best business person. Though he doesn’t often seem to respect me much, if I think about it, he wouldn’t ask for my help and opinion as often as he does, if he didn’t.
- We made Isobel.
- We are polar opposites in most ways, but in some that don’t matter, we’re next door neighbours – suggestions for music, books, movies, work, etc. are generally met with interest.
- Did I mention the sex?
- We’re almost the exact same height. For some reason, I’ve just always liked that.
- Though it’s been a rare occurrence since, while my dad was dying, he spent four nights sleeping on a chair with me, sober and potless because I refused to leave the hospice. Even though I told him to go home.
- The day my dad died was the last time we said I love you – May 8, 2006.
- The first time he told me he was in love with me was November 10, 2001. 11 days after our first date. I said thank you and that was it.
- I whispered it back later, when he wasn’t listening.
- He heard me, cuz he’d been hoping to hear it.
- Now, we silently agree on what’s too much to say and do and don’t push it further than that.
There’s more. I know there is. But I’m tobaccoless for the first time in years and Isobel’s declared nap time over.
