Today is better than yesterday. Today, Isobel woke at 6am and went back to sleep for three hours with little cajoling needed. Today, I went to bed at 4am and woke up every 45 minutes or so cuz of the messed up dreams. Today I was a little manic this morning and a little without patience this early afternoon – but moods are cycling every few hours, instead of nearly 15 minute intervals like some points of yesterday.
Today I found out that it’s JDawg’s first day of attempted total sobriety – he texted me to get me to call him so that I could be the first one he told. Today, I seem to be back to best friend and closest confidant status. Today, I’m not the enemy.
Today is going to be ok.
Today, I’m worshipping this song:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7PTgi_5MR0&rel=1]
And mourning what could have been, maybe, sort of. I’m questioning why the word love is coming back into my head, when I’ve force myself to feel nothing towards him for the past year and a half other than rage, fear, concern, lust and amusement. Why those stupid four letters that complicate everything and make messy what is already condemnable?
It saddens me that I’m only capable of loving him when he’s being the person who he could be.
