Okay, so I lied. The day after writing that, I marched straight to my doctor’s office after playtime and asked a bunch of questions about the quitting smoking drug, Chantix. Specifically, I asked about rapid mood cycling, depression, suicidal urges and insomnia.
I explained that I’m a single mom, with my kid 24-7 and alone during most of that. I already don’t sleep enough, I already have been having some mood cycling (yay for bipolar’s little sister, Cyclothymia), and really, if the urge to slit my wrists comes about strongly, I can. not. be. the. only. person. here. with. her.
The doctor, someone I’ve seen multiple times in the past decade, someone who has been familiar enough with reading my file’s notes to recommend a proper cocktail for psychosis, someone who has even felt comfortable enough with my file to recommend me for an eating disorder program and then followed up, personally, to see if I’d gone into it (I didn’t). This doctor said she’d heard no such concerns. Nothing for me to worry about, besides a headache and some nausea.
She said this months after the FDA issued concerns, started consumer feedback studies. After people have been posting things like this and this. After people with no previous history of depression have committed suicide. And then yesterday, this was anounced, which I got wind of via Sarah. Which made today make a lot more sense.
See, I thought I was bummed cuz of more (new!) disappointment from Jdawg. But in hindsight, I see that I’ve been cycling through moods all day. This was my (inside my head) Superbowl Sunday (be prepared, be forewarned. This does not make me look good.):
8:45am – holy fuck, what a weird freaky dream. Wait, what was that about? Hmm, don’t remember. Oh I don’t want to get out of bed. Seriously, maybe I’ll just lay here until she wakes up, put on a movie and go back to sleep. Oh, of course, there she is. God, I cannot do this today.
8:55am – omg! that’s amazing! I don’t even want to smoke! This is sooo awesome, I’m going to quit before my planned date, I know it. I rule!
9:10am – okay, movie on. Kid has milk. Time to make a cup of coffee…well, let’s just check the blog feeds first. Oh, like 63? Scanning, commenting, scanning, starring, scanning, sharing.
9:25am – I can’t believe I read them all! I rock! This is the beginning of a really great day, I can totally tell! Now for that coffee!
9:50am – I do not want to move. Dammit, I have to get up to start the next episode of Little People. Why the hell do we care about learning the seasons, anyways? This is effing Vancouver, it’s all one freaking season. Oh, she’s going to wanna eat soon. What’s the least effort I can put out for breakfast?
10:05am – kid in high chair, check. Granola and yogurt, check. High chair in bathroom, check. Cleaning the bathtub is so fun! Oh, let’s just do it all, right now!
10:20am – for fuck sake’s Isobel, stop putting shit in your eye. Now we have to do another goddam eye wash. Fuck. I cannot deal with this shit. Why do I always have to deal with shit? Why can’t anyone else do anything for me. Fuck. And I just used all of this energy cleaning up this shithole and now, it’s going to have yogurt all over it and she’s going to kick me and hit me and I cannot hit or kick her back and I can’t even give her a time out for it cuz it’s like a reaction to pain.
10:25am – I am such a bad mother. She’d never need eye washes if I wasn’t so damn selfish. I should have been watching her. I should have been eating with her. God, what kind of eating disorder recovery is this, if I’m not even eating breakfast?
10:45am – I should write a post on my other blog about ways to get stuff done and include cleaning when your kid’s snacking! Oooh, what else could I say? It could be a top 10 list. It could be about single parents finding the time when there is none. Oh, I should write a different post about _____, too. Oh, and about _________.
I should just get rid of the other site. It’s not like it’s not garbage, that no one will read and I never update, anyways.
11:15am – we are walking! Without the stroller! It’s crisp, it’s gorgeous, she’s doing so well at holding my hand. God, my kid’s amazing. I love her so much. She’s so awesome. And smart! So smart. And funny. What an awesome day!
12:30pm – Is it naptime, yet? I cannot move off of this bed. Good thing there’s one in her room that I can just read on while she plays with all of her toys. Ugh, diaper change. Maybe she’ll protest and I can wait five more minutes cuz I’m ‘letting her assert herself.’ Yeah, that’s what we’ll do.
12:50pm – kid is sleeping! Right away! I am such a rock star at this. Now, let’s do some work!
1-2:40pm – working working working. Finish two client’s stuff, email about what work I’ll do tonight for them. Update household budget. Frown (but it will all work out – I can do it!). Read blogs, comment. I am a freaking well-oiled machine!
3:30pm – I wish we’d never learned ring around the rosie. Movie & snack time.
3:40pm – Well, since I’m out here, I suppose that I could do some dishes. She’s pretty sidetracked with Dora and puppy power, so why not?
4pm – Dishes are done! hey, let’s reorganize the cupboards! Oh, wait, I should clean off these appliances before I move them over there. I should really never tell anyone that I cleaned my kettle with a toothbrush, if I don’t wanna be made fun of. But god, it looks gorgeous!
4:30pm – I should buy a new kettle. Like and old school, on the stove kind. The kind that even whistles! That’s so cool! Oh wait, I have like $20 so I shouldn’t spend anything. But, I’m finishing all of my work tonight, even if it means I stay up until 4am again like I did last night (that was really weird, why wasn’t I tired? I’d been up since 7. hmm.) and then I’ll invoice my clients and have a couple hundred dollars by Tuesday. I should go buy one tonight!
5:30pm – Let’s make dinner. I’m so effing bored. What will take no time and energy?
5:40pm – Hmm. How to make this more interesting…let’s add some peas. Ooh, I’ll make some garlic toast out of those cheese bagels. Then I can spread some cottage cheese on them and add cucumber slices! Yeah!
6pm – Isobel, you need to eat dinner otherwise you’ll be cranky all of the rest of the night and won’t wanna eat a snack before bed and then will wake up a bunch during the night and I Can NOT Handle you waking up all night. I have to work. I have to do IT ALL. You cannnnnot! wake! up!
6:30pm – Hey, Isobel! Let’s go for a walk!
6:45pm – Aw, I love that guy. He’s so nice. And he gives me free coffee so often. Ooh, maybe he digs me! Aw, I kinda dig him. Cept for that metrosexual thing. He’s just so nice. I’ve never had that so nice thing before.
7pm – Fuck men are god damn asses. Ok, just Jdawg. Seriously, who spends their entire weekend drinking when they’ve just been told to consider how to stop that before they can see their daughter again, and says they’ll call yesterday and doesn’t even remember. Fuck him. Fuck this. We’re moving. This is bullshit. He can’t even fight to see his own damn daughter. What a waste of a person. He’s a complete ass.
7:20pm – Maybe I should call him? I hope he’s ok. I was really hard on him. I know how he feels about his drinking. I should stop bringing it up. I should just accept it. I need to stop telling him words that he hears as he’s not good enough.
7:30pm – Is it bedtime yet? She is driving me absolutely mental. Seriously, let’s move on from the ring around the rosie. It’s about the fucking plague or smallpox or something. GOD.
7:55pm – she’s asleep. Already. I rock at this!
Um, so yeah. Besides the overall I hate everything and apparently everyone, see some mood cycling? See depression, rage? See how little I smoked?
So, here’s the deal. This could get worse if I stay on this medication. This could also get worse (temporarily) if I go off it. But, almost everything I read written by real people, showed that it was a wonder drug as far as quitting was concerned.
So, do I quit tomorrow? Do I stay on until I quit smoking and then taper off (say, by a month in), never reaching the usual therapeutic dose (2 mg) or time frame (3 months) and having to stay closely communicative with everyone close to me who’s familiar with my psych background and Isobel? Do I do the recommended thing and seek additional medication for any side effects?
I want to quit smoking. I want the money. I want the time. I want to maybe not get lung cancer – my dad did die of it at 49, I’m kind of a shoe-in. Hell, I want to not get glared at on the street and not feel like a heinous bitch anytime I light up and Isobel is walking without a stroller. I want to be rational about it and with life how it is and Isobel and Jdawg who they are, the usual quitting methods are just not going to work.
I also don’t want to freak the hell out with my daughter watching me. She deserves better than that.
I also want to threaten to sue the clinic that prescribed the drug to me. In light of all of the information available, my history and the questions I asked (and their incorrect answers), I think that they would consider settling, out of court. I think they’d pay me not to sue them. Because, the simple fact is this: if something had or does happen, that doctor would be responsible.
What would you do?
