See, the problem with being kind of bipolar I am (even though it’s like the tiny cousin of bipolar disorder and not the full-blown scary kinds) and unmedicated is that I’ll go for these stretches without any problems, whatsoever. Case in point? This post’s title. That’s how long I went without one whole depressive day.
Unheard of, without meds.
But for the past five days, I’ve been aware of a cloud darkening my universe. The cloud sucks. The cloud knocks my daily tasks off their ass and causes me to sit in a vegetative state during all potentially productive times, watching Grey’s Anatomy. Then those freakin ninjas – well they know better than to bug me during cloudy days.
During the good days, what I call a manic period, I’m full of some form of energy (even if it’s just the energy to complain, it counts), I have a to do list and it gets done (as much as possible) and I go to bed real late and wake up real early. I also plan to get my PhD. Seriously.
During the normal days, when I’m more manic than not and not depressive at all, I do what needs to git dun and I sleep when it’s dun.
During days like this past few, I’m yawning at 10:30am after waking two hours before and sleeping eight hours before that. I’m all for over-caffeinating cuz I’m missing a buzz. Sex is both mandatorily craved and I am excused from it – I need the assurance I get from it, yet feel too unwanted to have it. I feel fat, hungry, stupid, selfish, a failure, paranoid, unlikable, clingy and self-obsessed. As if no one in their right mind would want anything to do with me because I’m just so fucking sadly annoying.
I know I’m annoyed at me.
So, yesterday I bought myself some instant hot chocolate and coffee, and also visited a coffee shop. Cuz I only have one more day to go til payday and I’ve still got $15 left. Score. Self-therapy.
