I guess the debate has been cleared up (thanks for all the advice, btw!). Isobel is going to be moving to a bed. After my do-ASAP work is done. Specifically to my old bed, that I was planning on giving to her dad. Why the sudden decision? Here’s how nap time went today:

• Stretch child out a bit late, running around doing errands and then eating snacks and reading books;
• Tuck her into her crib, blow kisses, wave, reassure, exit;
• Turn on the water, start loading dishes into the sink;
• Have half a smoke;
• Wash about half the dishes while Isobel is babbling to her kitties;
• Look at clock when she starts crying, cuz I’ve got shit to accomplish and that means I am strict about leaving her for X number of minutes before going back in, unless something indicates I should go in earlier (foreshadowing…). Finish washing dishes;
• After 3/4 of the usual time, she’s not winding down whatsoever. No breaks in the crying, even just to catch her air and gear back up, so that’s weird and then momtuition kicks in and my tummy drops;
• I go in calmly, not knowing if her leg will be stuck in the railing slats or if she’s playing me, to boycott naptime;
• I see her poised on the crib. On the rail. Straddling the rail. Stuck. Holding onto the headboard (footboard) for dear life.

© Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images

She took her nap in the stroller after that. Was a tad scared of the crib. Now is fast asleep in it, with two quilts, a duvet and about 4 pillows directly beside her on the floor. Just in case, you know?

I told him tonight that he can’t see her anymore until things change. Though he thinks it was the easiest thing for me to say or to do, it was really the hardest. To say it and mean it. I feel like a mean, horrible, spiteful, selfish human being - though logically, I know it’s for the greater good.

And I know it’s normal that I feel that.

And I’m happy that I feel that - that I still care if I hurt him, regardless of how much and the ways in which he’s hurt me.

Following through is going to be even harder than saying (and meaning) it. Worse, the following through might include avenues I didn’t want to head down, where things cannot be ignored and undone. I hate that road.