so i guess first off, i would like to apologize to everyone whose been involved, via my own actions or others’ in this mess. if you don’t know what mess i’m talking about, then you probably aren’t a recipient of this apology. it’s true, i’ve been petty, immature and vindictive. though not in the most extreme ways possible, i have however interrupted others’ lives for my own drama. for this, i am truly sorry.
in actuality, i have not been living as i’d like – authentic, caring, consistent. i have been a whirlwind of reactions and both felt persecuted and the persecutor. for that, i am also sorry.
so i am also offering a sincere, official, for everyone to see, apology to corinna and adam. yes, i may be taking a backwards step by using their names on here, but i want them to both know that i am ashamed of the way that i have handled the situation – instead of being up front about my feelings with them on a personal level, i have chosen to air our dirty laundry on the internet, of all places.
that being said, i am prepared to drop the matter – emails, shit-talking and all – provided that the following takes place, because i am not solely to blame in the scenario.
i am so confident in the lack of possibility that either of them have seen or heard of me doing anything (specifically, anything that no one else is aware of) that would be construed as abusive towards zoë, that i am calling for a public announcement of just what it is that they saw me doing and when. i am prepared to read whatever it is that would cause such alarm as to require a call at 1am to the emergency line of child and family services, stating that zoë was “in need of protection” from me. especially in light of the fact that neither her or her husband were aware of my actions at the time of the threat (to call them) or when the actual call was placed. and that i hadn’t spoken with either of them for at least a three-day period beforehand.
it was stated to me that i “threaten her life. people read your blog.” from which i can only assume posts such as this one are being referred to, wherein i say the most horrible thing that a mother (never mind a single mother) is never supposed to say aloud (or on the internet): that sometimes i just wanted to run away or for zoë to go away. that i resented the tantrums and fits and that i was feeling like i couldn’t and sometimes didnt want to do it – be a mom. sorry about that folks, i know that’s an inside thought, not an outside one, but i am not a bottler and will never be. i would much rather put it out there for 95% of people to say, “oh my god, how can you feel that way about your own child?” and the other 5% to think ’she knows exactly what i’m going through and i’m not alone or a horrible person’.
cuz that’s life. being a parent is hard, your kids test you continually, and you are not allowed to take that out on them. there’s a difference between punishment (meaning, a consequence of doing something known as wrong or unsafe) and taking your shit out on your kids. can’t deal with it? then you get a time out, maybe at the same time that they do. and this, my friends, is a major contributing reason to why i have not quit smoking yet – it’s a breather, it allows me to collect my thoughts and re-gather my perspective. it’s only four minutes and it will likely kill me but at the same time…it lets me filter my frustration away from zoë.
and before anyone potentially jumps a gun to say that i choose smoking over taking care of her, am endangering her health, or am neglecting her because of it, know this: during my first weeks home with zoë alone, when i had post-partum depression and she had severe colic (some days crying 10 hours and sleeping less than six), i still would choose holding her or rubbing her back over smoking, until there was someone who could take over for me.
it was actually an issue in zoë’s first nine months, between fh and i – that i have always considered taking care of zoë to be my priority above all else. sleeping, eating, showering, peeing, smoking, cooking, cleaning, sex. everything was second seat.
so, corinna and adam, do not state that zoë needed protection from me because:
- i smoke.
- have relapsed in my anorexia (i am working on recovery right now, as you can see from my ed talk recovery journal).
- was in physical confrontations with fh (once in front of zoë that they know of – which is when i kicked him out the first time).
- fh smoked pot and drank heavily during most available moments (he was never allowed to smoke in her presence, nor would i have then or have now ever left her alone with him when he has been under the influence. oh and he doesn’t live here anymore for a reason).
- that i smoke pot (three times since she was born and only once during breastfeeding – after she’d reduced to once a day).
- that i drink heavily (heavily twice since her birth, again after she was breastfeeding once a day and after she’d weaned; one or two drinks frequently, now, based on financial availability and rarely in front of her).
- that zoë lives in poverty (i live in the west end, she has everything she needs and then some. she is chosen before me for wants and needs, always).
- i had postpartum depression and would spend entire days crying – so do about 10% of other moms after giving birth, and i was counselled both prior to having zoë and afterwards.
- i ignore her (not possible, even if i wanted to).
- that i let her cry in her crib at bedtime in the past (it’s called sleep training, and it worked, and it’s sanctioned by most pediatric associations as well was suggested by her doctor – yes, i’m aware that since i used the ferber book i’m going to hell, all of you attachment parents).
- i have a psychiatric history (i am likely one of the most self-educated, responsible people you will meet in regards to their mental illness and am proud to say that yesterday marked my official 4th month with no incident of depression at all. hypomania is another story).
- i have a history of drug and alcohol abuse – that’s why it’s called a history.
you are welcome to mention anything else you feel was/is seriously wrong as well as when you noticed this problem taking place. because i, for the life of me, have no idea what it is that you think you saw that would deserve protective custody.
there is a time limit on this, though.
on wednesday morning, i have an appointment to meet with a solicitor to sign an affidavit. this affidavit was requested by the director’s office (the complaint department) of child and family services, and it will be used to push forward action against the two of you. if you follow through, i will cancel the appointment. if not, i will proceed as planned.
that’s the problem with this branch of government: it takes them a day to check out a complaint that by mandate they have to investigate, but it will take up to a year for charges of a malicious claim to be filed – charges that can result in up to a $10,000 fine and six months time served.
the ball is in your court. and i’m sure that you will find some way to let me know that you have followed through, should you choose to do so.
