so, onto moving forward, self-help bullshit…
this life i’m living is ultimately exhausting and not cuz of how much cleaning or weeds watching i do, or how well (or not) z sleeps. but, because it’s like everything i do, it’s all about emergency or avoidance. and that, my friends, is emotionally draining cuz i’m always trying to keep my head above water, it seems. personally and professionally.
so my solution is to take this slacker sunday and vegetatively make plans. lists! decide what i want, my goals, etc. and map out ways to get there. make pretty schedules and menus and post them on my refrigerator. make my to do lists in 18pt font and stick ‘em up next to where i am most. the computer.
and also, i need to figure out how i can stop the same patterns and resentments from resurfacing in my personal life. like, seriously, how many times can/should i think the exact same negative thoughts? commit the same self-damaging acts? blame others, when ultimately, if i’m not putting the foot firmly down, i’ve got no blaming to do, other than self-blame.
so tonight will be a first step.
this, unlike most, is not a self-pitying post. it’s this stomped down hippy girl protesting and bitch slapping the manipulative, self-destructive consumer she’s become.
besides some recent relationship follies what has begotten this?
the fact that i went out the other night to find a shirt to wear for my bday buzzfest and tried on two and though they fit me, i just looked like some sad, skeleton with tits and it made me loathe my body for being too skinny. it also made me think to stock up on teeshirts. not tank tops.
and then i had this (unoriginal, had many a time) thought that you know, maybe, i should just suck it the fuck up and gain some fucking weight and oh i dunno, go to the fucking gym and have some pride in my body for something other than the men that have wanted it and it’s lack of adipose tissue.
