tonight, she’s having a tough time going to bed. not going to bed. going to sleep. and it seems that this only happens when mommy has something that has to be done asap for a client, that she’s committed to having done asap.
she’s lying in her crib pitifully crying, as if i’m going to regress backwards in time to when i used to rock her to sleep every night. it’s tough, me trying to be a hardass. and if she’s still awake in another half hour, i probably will rock her to sleep cuz it’s tougher not getting any billable time in when you aren’t sure when you’re going to have to go back into the scary wailing room.
and onto happier things. i’m not the only one is sads-ville. it’s nice to not be alone. maybe it’s the shifting weather, but every mom i know is all meh and not really into the extra effort mommyisms. and that’s cool. cuz we all need a break. we deserve it cuz we work fulltime – some of us at jobs, too – and we rarely have a sick day or vacation.
being a mommy is the hugest blessing while also being the heaviest burden. it’s really hard to not down-talk yourself on nearly everything and then the hot-button topics come up like how your kid(s) have eaten some form of fast food twice in the past week and that you were so absorbed in your own shit, like doing laundry, that it was just easiest to give them peanut butter sandwiches, turn on dora and do your own thing.
i have actually felt guilty for being constipated before. or for brushing my teeth when she just wanted me to carry her everywhere.
there’s a weird dicotomy cuz anyone and especially any mom will tell you that you need time for yourself but really, when do you have time for yourself and what does that time include?
i keep getting priorities mixed up. like, fancy nancy told me the other day that taking a shower does not count as taking time for myself. hmm, really? seems rather selfish when i could be working or cleaning or eating a meal with her, etc. so it’s vitally important that she lives in a safe, clean environment, meaning i must clean a lot; she must have said environment, ie an apartment, so i must work to pay a portion of the bills that my support doesn’t cover; she needs to be engaged and loved and encouraged, i’m actually pretty damn good at that, i think; and she needs discipline, at some points, an area i’m still grasping onto as future-tense. i have a hard time giving her timeouts, like even her doctor has suggested, when she’s chronologically so young. i mean, yes, she will totally kick me in the face on purpose…but she doesn’t really know what that means, right?
i guess i’m just a guilty person. but also so damn conflicted. stupid second guessing about everything.
oh and thanks jen, cuz i now totally heart bam.
