today was day one of quitting smoking. i think i made it about six hours before i folded and bought a pack, hauling zoë to the corner store half an hour before bedtime in her pjs, shoes and a coat; keys in back and exact change in the front pockets.
ah resolve, it can be beaten so well by impulsivity.
i’ve managed to only have one and a half of those smokes i bought. and tomorrow is a new day, so we’ll see what it brings, shall we?
at least i went as far as to announce the plan to a few people – saying it out loud or via text messaging, at least, makes me feel like a dink if i don’t go through with it.
so, for inspiration and fun, here’s a list of my reasons for (at some point in the future) quitting smoking – in order of importance:
- money: at current smoking rates, i’ll save $8 every two days; $28 every week, $120 a month and about $1,465 a year. now what could i use that for? oh yeah, food.
- zoë: i don’t want to teach her via being a bad example, that it’s okay to throw away your life, money and sometimes, relationships because of an addiction and a lack of coping ability. i want to show her the right things to do and be, and that’ll only happen when i’m doing the right things. other influences in her life, ahem, might not be as concerned about it, but i can only change me, right?
- daddy: my dad died of complications arising from lung cancer. you’dve thought that would have been good enough for me. but no, i smoked more while he was dying and afterwards.
- vanity: i’m getting crows’ feet in part from the way i squint when taking a drag. also from never wearing sunglasses, but anyways. i’ve already dry, sensitive, thin skin and bad teeth so why add to the mess. cuz one day, i’ll have porcelain veneers and i don’t want the rest of the package to look like a walmart jogging suit with a prada purse.
- health: sad to see it at #5? well, honestly, i’ve not the expectation to live to a ripe, old age. heart issues, eating disorder, stressful lifestyle, inadequate sun protection, family history of most major cancers, etc. doesn’t paint a rosy picture. and i’m moderately ok with that, as long as i can enjoy and feel good about the time i do have. make the most of it and so on, you know. blah blah insert inspirational monologue here.
- weight: yes, it is a factor. maybe it won’t be quite so easy for me to drop the pounds. so maybe it won’t be so easy to use weight lose as another unhealthy coping mechanism.
- time: do you know how many times i’ve prepared zoë for a walk, gotten snacks and toys together and her clothes and diaper changed and brought her down to the storage room where our strollers are kept and strapped her in and ten minutes has gone by – then i’ve discovered that i’ve left my smokes upstairs? then i have to practically reverse the process, unstrapping her and walking up another 3 flights of stairs. waste of time, man.
- guilt: there is a certain amount of guilt for thinking when zoë is at the height of a temper tantrum and i’m not coddling it, but i’m not ignoring her either, that i’d like to leave her to stomp in her one spot and cry and smack the floor and all of the other wonderful tantrum things she does, to have a smoke. it would just be a few feet away. but really? it’s like, wrong, right, to let her freak out and turn my back (partway) to stick my head out of the window as far as i can?
- pride: i’ve never not done something i meant to, well. this shouldn’t be the first thing.
- coolness: i started smoking before any of my “peers” (read: kids my age) were doing it. i was called on it in 6th grade by classmates who thought the smell of cigarette smoke was a good reason to make fun of me – i wasn’t fat anymore, i guess they needed something new. two years later those same kids would be thinking about lighting up, cuz it was cool. but i was so far ahead of their coolness, it was unrecognized. now, i’m a 26.5 year old mommy, pushing a stroller with one hand while keeping her smoke-holding arm way out to the side and behind her and exhaling backwards. how cool must that look?
