edited: anyone think i am threatening zoë’s life? cuz someone threatened to call child services on me about my blog. i think it’s an expression of frustration, etc. any mom i’ve talked to seems to agree.
so zoë has been driving me up the wall lately – tantrums, screaming, whining, biting, hitting, kicking, food striking, bottle grabbing, scratching, not wanting a dirty diaper but making me hold her down to change it, NOT sleeping (big surprise), only doing what she wants to do and when there’s nothing she wants to do…doing something from this list. it’s been really really tough and anyone who knows me knows three things, really:
- unconditional love is not a natural thing for me and
- i was raised in such a conditional environment, i never want to be like that towards her or to react out of anger, even if it means acting my ass off and
- i react and then feel bad and especially in the case of her, i feel bad for even considering reacting.
so i’ve been losing my shit. i’ve cried at some point for the past four days, thinking i can’t do this. worse: sometimes, i don’t want to do this. even worse: sometimes i resent and hate her and want her to go away. i think that maybe having no real breaks in over a year (does a two hour period every few months count? what about just going to the neighbours or down the street and only when she’s sleeping?) is a primary factor. knowing that even when i have a break in the form of her dad visiting, it’s not really a break (and well, i have to see him), doesn’t help, either.
sometimes, i want my old self-destructive no one else to care for and certainly not myself life. i want to be able to sleeeeeeep. or indulge the days when i’d prefer a shotgun over a cup of coffee by just staying in bed. BUT NO, i have to not be selfish and put on happy airs and take her outside multiple times a day and spend money i don’t have on stuff i’d rather not HAVE to spend money on it – i’d prefer to waste it all, if it’s all getting spent.
it’s this guilt inspiring existential crisis and it was made worse for me tonight because i asked him to stay to talk to me about it cuz i needed some support. and it got spun so that he’d have to quit his job and take care of her because i wouldn’t and i would have to pay him child support and more. i lost it and told him to get out and not come on his next visit day cuz he wasn’t welcome. and he said he would cuz it was our agreement and then i said that he wasn’t living up to it.
i miss feeling clean, you know? everything’s so messy in life, now.
