things are extremely messed up and hurtful, and threatening is abound. every day involves some new “if you…” it’s wonderful.
i admit it, i brought it on. i was so frustrated and impotent by my position as ring leader of the circus of our relationship, i stopped emotionally hitting below the belt and started physically hitting above it. and it was returned.
fists and open hands are not a good way to communicate but at least…well, at least it ended things where i never could do it and stick to it verbally. i get points for being able to give a man a black eye, right? that’s not pride, it’s sarcasm, so you know.
i’m not sleeping much. i’m eating very little. i’ve lost about five pounds in the five days since it happened. i’m okay with that, which means, i’m really not okay. life is sweet, full of surprises and temptations and regret and loneliness. paradox is my new middle name.
life is quite different, even though little has really changed. after him not seeing zoë for four days straight and her subsequent dismissal of food and sleeping, we made arrangements for him to see her everyday, like normal, like he was just coming home from work. and then to wean her off of the daily visits slowly. cold turkey is too hard when you’re not even one year old.
she’s gone into clingy land. which makes things harder because it seems i have less time than before. maybe he did do some stuff around here, after all. regular use of videos has been implemented. so far peter pan was a hit, allowing me to both fold and put away laundry and make her lunch.
she must be going through a mommy phase because even when he’s here, she wants me. i’m sure it will reverse and then he won’t be here and it will be pure joy.
