i know that y’all left comments saying my anxiety is normal – trust me, this is not. i’ve officially entered PPD. i spend time everyday wanting to either kill myself or run away or take a nap with her and smile at her as someone else takes care of her. i cry a lot and easily. i pick fights with dr. daddy in part cuz i can’t scream at her and i can at him. i want to wear clothes for longer than a walk’s duration. i want to sleep for as long as i feel like it. i want to type with both hands.
she’s feeding every hour now. a growth spurt is coming and it’s her way of upping my milk production – i’m an overlactator; it doesn’t need upping. my nipples hate her.
there are good moments. but that’s it – they’re moments, not hours or days or anything.
i’m holding out against going back on meds for two reasons: the combo that worked the best for mood regulation will be passed on in breastmilk, so i’d have to put her on formula (which we can’t afford and medication – meds are about $180/month); the combo makes me groggy and sometimes zombified – not good for taking care of a newborn.
i think the main problem is the change in role. i’ve gone from fairly successful office wench, making good money, working too much, having a daily routine to this: i’m zoë’s mom. that’s it. that’s all i do. it’s pretty lonely.
