when we got to spend an extra few days in the hospital after zoë’s birth, every nurse that came in asked me how i was feeling. it was news on the ward that i had been on antidepressants and that i was a prime candidate for post partum depression – so people kept asking me if i was doing okay. and telling me to sleep more. and asking about my supports.
what they didn’t tell me is that i might go through a period of euphoria after she was born, which lasted for about 2 weeks. this was comparable to a manic cycle. this meant that i was super mommy and could feed, clean, read, organize and plan on a 24 hour clock with little to no sleep and it would only hit me occassionally just how fucking tired i was cuz the rest of the time i was flyin’.
they also didn’t tell me that afterwards, instead of dipping into a depressive cycle, like i would have if i had not been pregnant (i have a milder form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia, amongst other things), i might just enter extreme anxietyville. this is where i have taken up residence. this is where i spend my time, wondering, second-guessing, diagnosing and assessing everything that may eventually lead to my daughter’s demise. funny enough, it’s not her psychological development i’m most concerned with; i’m worried about:
- if she rolls out of my arms in the middle of the night and lands on the bed in her tummy (a 5″ fall) will she be paralyzed?
- if i give her a soother, just one more time, will she never go back to the breast again?
- because she goes through mega feeding points during the day, intermixed with her every hour and a half ones, will i run out of milk and be left with a starving baby?
- if she misses one of those hour and a half feedings, will my milk supply decrease so that i can’t feed her at all?
- if she eats for 15 minutes, instead of the standard 20-35, at night time will that decrease my milk supply?
- if i don’t eat the perfect amount at the perfect time and drink the perfect amount of water and take prenatal vitamins and lose weight too fast, will that decrease it?
- if it doesn’t decrease (i’m an overlactator), will she continue to get lazier in her latch and therefore potentially kill my nipples for life?
- will i ever be able to wear clothes again for a normal period of time (longer than an hour)?
- will she ever stop crying?
- if she’s not crying, why not?
- if she’s slept for longer than 25 minutes, soundlessly, is she breathing (i check her to see if she’s breathing about 10 times a day)?
- if i change her diaper too often/not often enough, will she always have butt rashes?
- if i’m eating above her head while she’s feeding, and a crumb of something gets on her and then accidentally into her mouth, will it kill her?
- will she choke on spit up in her sleep?
- will she choke on her blanket/sleeper/arm?
it’s more exhausting being anxious than being a mom to a newborn.
