YESTERDAY:
- was the 2 week marker.
- i had a dream before waking up where my friends from high school planned a surprise birthday party for me and the whole dream, almost, i knew that it would suck (whatever it was, it was a dream-surprise-party after all) because my dad wouldn’t be there but when we got to the party he was sitting at a table and jumped up and said “surprise! pretty funny joke, eh?”
- i woke up from that dream and it took me a half hour of waiting to call him to tell him about my wacky dream so it wasn’t too early before i remembered that i couldn’t.
- i cleaned and went grocery shopping and to be productive so that i would stop being in my own head.
- i watched i am sam with the doctor and even though it usually makes me cry a lot when it got to the part where they take his daughter away after the custody trial it made me cry for a new reason and when i looked at the clock i saw that it was 5:05pm and it spooked me.
- i stopped watching the movie to take a shower and then i laid on the bed until the doctor came in and talked to me and told me that i didn’t have to feel better and i didn’t have to try to pretend to be normal and that what i was feeling would never really go away and that it was okay.
- we found 3 movies, lost highway, office space and bruce almighty for $12 at the video store.
- we watched bruce almighty and i laughed without feeling guilty and lost highway and i went back to sleep without crying anymore.
TODAY:
- the doctor is sick but went to work anyways
- i had planned to go to my dad’s house to clean up some stuff but don’t feel like i can.
- i feel like a slacker and a bad mom because all i will likely do is sit around and maybe read but more likely sleep and smoke and eat unhealthy food if i can force myself to eat and continue delaying my gestational diabetes screening test which was supposed to be done 3 weeks ago.
- my library books are due back and i have never not finished reading library books this close to their due date before.
- i will try to accept that i am only one person and not try to make everything better by cleaning and planning and fixing things.
- i will try to figure out how i can find some peace without the expense of my soul or life.
- i will think about how two of my best friends will be back in town next month.
- i will try to cherish this face…
