i just had to get get some groceries and i saw the doctor’s doppelganger. with a girl who was dressed all skater-girl cute like i used to when i could fit into my damn clothes. and i wanted to walk up to him and pretend it was the doctor and say “oh, so this is your other girlfriend” cuz we joke about that from time to time. but then i figured if i did then the girl, even if i explained why it was funny, would just be like, “who was the crazy whale?” and he would be like “no one that i know” and she would maybe not believe him and it may start a fight that would end up being the ultimate demise of their relationship and i just couldn’t take that risk. even though i would have laughed for a kajillion years over their faces at having a random pregnant girl walk up and accuse him of cheating on her. and yes, i do have that much power over stranger’s relationships, like that.
on a different shopping expedition, i was run INTO by this chick with her laundry basket. right in the stomach, with no apology. i just stood there looking at her with what i’m sure was my most incredulous face, ever. and she gave me a “who the fuck are you?” bitch face and i was like, “oh, you’re so excused” or something much wittier. and then she “well, if you weren’t so HUGE i’m sure you wouldn’t be in my way” and i snapped into gentle mommy mode and surprised her i think by saying “you know, i’m pregnant” and she said that wasn’t any excuse. and i said “well, i’m going to have a baby, and i’m going to lose the weight, but you’ll still be an insensitive cunt” and then tried to sashay away without waddling.
why do i have to move out of people’s way all of the time? i’m a mini-waddling humpback, for christsakes and carrying 4 bags of what are probably most literally the heaviest grocery bags in the world and also have a yoga bag filled with produce hanging off of my shoulder and then i have to scramble to the other side of the sidewalk so that you can stop to pick up your 2lb really a rat wannabe dog? nevermind manners – i can barely roll over in bed or get out of a comfie chair, nevermind scramble, so maybe you, strangers on the street, should move from my way. physicists througout the world would agree with me, i know it.
i have a friend who i don’t talk to too much cuz we live in separate worlds. she parties and has group sex and outweighs me by 50lbs (and alternately bitches and brags about all three of those characteristics) and i am lucky to not fall asleep before sex, barely remember partying and have a gained 22lbs in the last 20 weeks of pregnancy (yes, i also bitch and brag). she msned me a couple of days ago cuz she saw my latest tummy pic and said that i looked like i weighed 150lbs and that my tits look small. i guess that people really do only hurt the ones they love.
a former friend of a friend, who is guess had some jealous issues with me and taking up some of her friend’s time heard that i was pregnant a while back. she said “tell her to have fun with the 25 year commitment.”
maybe i’m just over sensitive about them, but that’s enough about assholes, for now.
on a funny note: my measurements used to be 34-23-34. as of today, they are 36-36-36. how sad is that?
