last night i trudged my anxiety-ridden, don’t look at people and you won’t think they’re staring at you, ass to the video store and rented 3 movies. i also go subway and starbucks.
as a result of my trip, i decided that no matter my degree of scorn at the consumer-iness of the greater vancouver area, i am a willing participant and i need to stop. for reasons bigger than my dwindling funds. it’s just not psychologically healthy for me – i find obsessive vessels anywhere and starbucks is a main source.
back to the movies.
the doctor and i watched ‘i love your work’ which i got both because of it’s cast (giovanni ribisi and jason lee) and it’s underlying paranoia-based plot. it was a bit of a snoozefest, though it intended to be better. the doctor started to fall asleep. that was how lullaby-inspiring it was.
then we watched ‘the n word: divided we stand’. i’ll get back to that one cuz i’ve got a lot to say aboot it.
then we watched the newest version of ‘the amityville horror’. it may be my persistant fear of the dark, alone, but the movie scared me. and i don’t normally get scared by scary movies. i think that another main factor was the photography – shaking heads, sped up, makes my liver crawl.
i’ve been watching horror along the likes of clive barker since i was a wee one and to this day, gremlins remains the only one that has left any scars. it may have been the fact that i was 4 when i saw it – and the domestic dispute after the fact that left it’s mark. seeing your mom crying naked in a dark bathroom, with bruises on her back and eyes in the middle of the night will do that to a kid.
nonetheless, i was left with 2 years of recurring nightmares wherein gremlins were chasing me in a shopping cart, on a slanted oval skate-ramp and everytime that i went up the ramp, they got closer and everytime i went down the hill of the ramp, i almost, but not quite, got away. i always woke up before they got me. but it was always a close call.
the n word: this movie was less of an answer or a solution than a social commentary, filled with famous and unknown urban and non-urban youths and elders and focussed around the historical and current use of the word. it asked a lot of questions. it answered none. it brought to light a lot of suburbanite kids saying that they should be able to use it, since the word is so rampant in urban culture. it showed a lot of urban culture saying that they owned the word, due to historical occurance.
it profiled many, including saul williams. saul williams is a true spoken poet. one that i may never understand what he is truly saying, but that i will listen to, for beauty of voice, alone.
it decided something that i didn’t know i was questioning. what type of a mom am i gonna be? and it did this by emphasizing to me that the word may have many uses and variations and historical connotations, but that there is an easy way to avoid it all.
my constant view is that the wonderful thing about young children is their lack of guile and complete innocence. it’s one of the reasons that i’ve always wanted to be a mom – to get to be a part of something pure and wondrous and guileless. kids don’t see in black and white. they don’t say “my new friend, charlie, is asian.” there’s no such thing as policital correctness or it’s opposite, since there is no inherant definition of different. the really young ones barely see a difference between male and female.
we, as a society, teach them to separate people by colour, gender, whom they love or marry and what they worship. and while it’s right to teach right from wrong – hell, it’s a necessity – i’d like to allow for that lack of separation for as long as possible. i’d like to foster it.
so back to the synopsis of motherhood for me. i’m going to encourage my child, by changing myself. i’m not going to give into the societal standard of classification on any matter. there will be no more “my gay friend, brian” or “vancouver has a large asian population” or anything like that. why? because it will only encourage more division. and when you start dividing, issues arise surrounding what type of division is kosher. and i don’t wanna play that game.
i wanna help to inspire this sponge, this tabula rasa, that the doctor and i have created. not teach him or her to aspire to political correctness. i don’t think that the doctor or i will have any trouble teaching our little one that racism, gender-typing and gay-bashing are wrong – because we live our own lives to that affect. but i do think that to tip toe around the subjects, instead of pretending that they don’t exist, will be a far more calculated and less satisfying venture.
i’m sticking my head in the sand and hoping my child will be naive, as i’m choosing to be.
