my dad called me last night. i had called him on the weekend, wanting to have coffee on saturday, but he’d never called back. now i know why.
at some point last week, he fell down. and couldn’t get up. he was having paramoid delusions and the shakes, big time and had to call an ambulance for himself. he’s been in the hospital since.
he had to talk himself out of thinking, cuz he thought that the doctor’s, who he needed to ask for help (he is not someone who EVER asks for help), were nazis or something and that they were going to try to kill him.
the nazis did a cat scan and within 2 minutes found 6 tumours in his brain. 6. on both sides, but mainly the left, near the areas that control motor skills and reality, basically. the docs think that he’s on his way to having seizures.
so now, they’re looking for a care facility for him and it seems likelier that he will not be here for the baby’s birth. and they won’t let him out of the hospital until he has someone who can watch him – baby sit him, as he called it.
i still can’t come to grips with whether springing him from medical care is right. on one hand, he wants out. he wants his life, as much as he can have it. but on the other, what if something happened to him and i wasn’t there? i would blame myself forever, whether he’d want me to or not.
what’s more important? his wishes. or that i know someone has some control over the situation. and let’s backtrack and remember a year ago, when he said that if things got too bad, he wouldn’t stick around to find out how much worse they could get. and is that my decision to make or only his? either way i’ll miss him more than anything, ever and things will never be the same. again.
so, yesterday’s events may be a blessing in disguise, or something, because i’m likely bound for the hospital and my dad’s bedside.
i’m off to depress myself more, with medical facts on brain cancer.
