it’s been a difficult week. and by difficult i mean that i’ve faced internal tantrums that couldn’t come to the surface and worked diligently overtime – when i don’t have to anymore. i shouldn’t care what they think of me. i don’t even know if i’m going back there after the fall, but i do. this people pleasing monster in me won’t let me not, for long.one of the books that i’m going to write is going to be called “whatever you want me to be” and it’s going to be all about how there are so many different personalities that i throw on, depending on the date, the occassion and the company, that there is in fact, no real me. and that they basically all have evolved because i needed to feel better about me – you know, the me that doesn’t exist? i guess.
i miss being drunk. mostly so that drunkenness didn’t annoy me. i think it’s mostly jealousy. cuz i can’t go there right now; guilt, because i would like to, anyways. and don’t really care that much, sometimes, about what the personal and lifestyle repercussions would/could be.
i think that i miss being high the most. not just from a good line or six, or a day of manic pinner smoking, or 9 minutes of sweating from every pore sex. but from life. i miss my manic, cleaning-organizing-planning, then-everything-will-be-ok moods, cuz it’s been a long time since i’ve really truly experienced more than downness.
down is not fun.
down is how you lose the little friends that you have, and your life, the way that your almost think that you want it, and your future, the way that you think that you want it, RIGHT NOW.
maybe i should have started the tits. but i didn’t. but the fact that i put them away, instead of throwing them in the trash might say something about whether i’m seriously regretting it, or just waxing self-important philosphy.
i dunno. it’s blurry right now.
lots is.
and the baby is moving now. and it’s not a wonderous thing. it’s WIERD and UNCOMFORTABLE and ANNOYING. much like the rest of the pregnancy has been to date. why do women ever do this a second time? adoption is a much easier channel, i think, for next time. if there is one.
